The Monica Diaries

Continued excerpts from several hundred loose pages, wrapped in brown paper and tied with string, which were dumped on The Observer’s front stoop and labeled, “The atached (sic) is my story, the story of white house intirn (sic) in my own words, not that bitch Linda. ML.”

April 13, 1997, 12:15 A.M.

dear diary,

so tonight i’m like over at the WH cause Babba is away saving like orphans in Boznia and i’m sitting in the O.O. with socks whose all purring and the Big Creepo comes in and he’s got vern with him and they’re both giving me big smiles and the Creepo puts on some music some shit with horns in it and he goes sit down here between us monica on the long leather couch and the Creep goes you know i and vernon are very close and then he goes you know monica i believe you have so much potenshul i really do and i’m like thanks mr. president which i call him sometimes sort of like a joke but sort of not and they are both smiling like huge cats and then the Creep says hey Monica do you like ole Vern here and I’m like of course i like him and the Creep says no i mean do you like him and i’m like what do you mean like him and i can smell liquor and a ton of garlic on the Creep’s breath and like vern says i dont think monica likes me very much and the Creep says of course she likes you Vern and then Vern says well how much does she like me chief and the Creep has his arm around me and he’s looking right into my face and he says well monica dont you think Vern here is a smart man and i’m like of course he’s smart and Creep justs sits there sort of giggling and vern is giggling and i’m thinking well isn’t this a lovely thing and then the Creep is like, well maybe you and Vern should have a date some night and i just look at him i want to smash his face at this moment and i’m like oh shit because as i’ve told you the Big Creep has this fantasy about sharing me and i’m always like no way but he always whines like a baby saying it’s my biggest fantasy and the others wouldn’t do it because they didn’t have the love but we have the love don’t you see, where there’s love everything between two adults is Ok and i’m like, well, buster, i’m just barely an adult and he says well, you are over 21 so in the eyes of the country … so i’m sitting there between them i’m thinking of what L. said to do when Creep goes too far which is to say Remember your bible mister but now i just want to get out of there because they are both in my face and i decide that I have to be me for me like L. told me so i stand up and its dumb but my legs are shake-y and i say well you boys have your fun so i just walk out real quick dont even say bye to betty and fuck them i will get my own cab and of course when i get home there’s this message from Fuckface on my machine and he’s like god please forgive me i had some drinks and he says he and vernon had a very honest talk and could i come back over we will all order pizza and explore my feelings and i almost go back but my stomach feels pretty sick so i call him and say everything’s cool but i need some sleep and i’m like maybe i am just an intirn but we have a hard job too it isnt only the president who has a hard one and he says it is hard work but we must be strong for the country and i feel kind of wuzy

May 3, 1997, 11:15 P.M.

dear diary,

all i had today was like a piece of toast (no butter) but i get home and there’s mom at the blender and she says Mar-gaaaa-rita! and i’m like oh great here we go another night of drinking what is basically just sugar and mom talking about the fat singer again and how it was a pure love and i have to like nod and pretend to be down with it because mom calls these our quality times of mother daughter connection so what can I do but say salt or no salt ? which makes mom crack up… to be honest i like these times, sort of, anyway we are drinking the drinks (no salt) and i have chosen to ignore the fact that she has her big feet crammed into my loafers and she starts asking me when was the last time i saw the Big He and did he give me any more presents and im tipsy so i say oh right like im so sure i want another stupid broach but right when i say it i feel bad and i decide i will wear the broach the next time i see him … and mom is laying on the sofa lifting her head to sip her drink and she says well monica looks like one of us has bagged a lion and i think she means me and she starts that loud laugh then says look, i’m proud of you sweetie its not every mother who can say her daughter has fucked the president and i’m like mom! but she smiles and says i did a tenor but thats nothing compared to the leader of the free world and i’m like thanks a lot then she starts in with the stuff about my dad being a total waste of life which is frankly not exactly my favorite topic of conversation and luckily she falls asleep so i get up and call L. who i have come to realize is like my second mom and she’s in the tub but can talk on her cordless and so i pour my guts about how i try not to be stupid and think Creep will ever leave Babba but i cant help wanting it and she says well stranger things have happened and this makes me feel good because even if he doesnt love me its still nice to think someone else thinks he could love me but sometimes i have no idea if i love him , its like the biggest question in my life right now, sometimes i’m looking at him and he’s there all blotchy after he does it and i’m like oh you parasite and i wonder sometimes if L. is so caring because lets face it she’s not very pretty and maybe people with physical problems are much nicer because when you get right down to it she is much nicer than nancy or tracey but i still think she needs a boyfreind and i’m thinking maybe this guy in our building whose always walking this tiny chiwawa but when i mention him to L. she just laughs and says, kid, you don’t know the half of it and i have no idea what she means and i hear the water like all sloshing around and she asks me to tell her again the part about when the Big He made me walk around his office totally naked while he was on the phone and she asks well didnt he want you to do anything to him and i’m like no just walk around but as ive told her before there are things he wont do because its adultary and she’s like yeah well what about the BJs and i say well you have me there and we both laugh and i tell her she is like sooooooo nice to listen to my dumb problems and she’s like oh you dont know the half of it and then we hang up and I wake up mom….

June 6, 1997, 12:17 A.M.

dear diary,

well Creep and I had a big fight tonight but i have to tell about saturday to put the perspectave in, saturday was my “date” with Jim that i had been blowing off for like two months but he pirsisted and Creep hadn’t called so I said OK to Jim so there we are at ChiChis and it does not appear as if the young gentleman has spent like hours picking out his wardrobe and we get carded which means i am drinking ginger-ale while he talks about his dream of being a senator or some crap like that and i’m sick from looking at shaving cream on his ear and the movie is Jurassic Park The Lost World which sucks and he says can i see you again and i say OK and this is why the Big Creep and I had the fight!!! i’m at WH tonite and i’m thinking this is nicer than dates because the Big Creep actually has a real job but after Fuckface comes i’m lying in his lap and i’m thinking of what i read in People that the WH has this private screening room and they can get any movie in the world so i look up and i’m like hey let’s go watch a movie in that screening room and creep smiles and says we cant, end of story and i’m like well cant you just have betty clear out the place it might be fun to do something, besides, you know , and he stands up which sort of dumps me on the floor and he’s buckling his pants and says i have to make some calls and i’m like yeah, right, why dont you call your wife and he laughs and hugs me which i do not get at all but on the way home i decide when Jim calls i will tell him he’s too young …

To Be Continued.

The Monica Diaries