Dear vastly influential Manhattanite:
Have you found the past few months of life in America somewhat unsettling?
Do you sometimes feel as if you are growing out of touch?
Do you find yourself disagreeing with the nightly opinion polls on any number of subjects-Microsoft’s antitrust problems, morality in government, day trading in the stock market, adultery, perjury, Bob Dole’s believability as a Viagra spokesperson, Amazon.com’s stock price, or even whether Pluto should retain its status as a full-fledged planet …
… And do you now suddenly find yourself having a full-blown crisis of confidence, wondering: “Hey! Wait a minute! Do I have my finger on the pulse of America anymore? Am I still vital? Are my opinions still important? Are my instincts still valid?”
Or, perhaps even worse, did you find yourself at a Park Avenue dinner table, saying something to the effect of, “Hillary for Senate? She doesn’t live here, she’s never run for office, her knowledge of New York comes from flying over the Long Island Expressway on her way out to the Hamptons …”
Only to be cut off, in mid-rant, by someone who politely informs you that, “It’s not that I think you’re an idiot, John, but haven’t you seen the latest polls? 87% of likely New York voters say they’ll vote for Hillary over Rudy. So as far as I’m concerned, the election’s over. Finished. A foregone conclusion. You’re wrong, you’re irrelevant, your opinions are invalid. Can we have dessert now, please?”
Devastating? You bet. But with our new service, you need never find yourself on the wrong side of any issue, ever again:
Introducing Insta-Poll.com: Know Where to Stand, Before You Actually Stand There.
If the recent impeachment proceedings have taught America anything, it’s that we’re no longer so much a nation of laws, as much as we are a nation governed by polls.
And as fully 96% of the savvy, street-smart New Yorkers we polled attested, there’s only one thing more important to a savvy, street-smart New Yorker than having the right address, the right apartment, the right clothes, the right car, the right preschool, the right hairdresser, or even the right summer house on the right street, in the right Hampton:
And that, of course, is being right. All the time. About everything. Right about elections. Right about issues. Right about the candidates. Right about restaurants, art exhibitions and Tina Brown. Right about which movies to say you’ve seen, which books to pretend you’ve read and which TV shows to claim you watch.
Which is where Insta-Poll.com comes in. Each morning, via fax or e-mail, you’ll receive the latest polls on all facets of American life-so you’ll know exactly how to calibrate your stance, and never suffer the embarrassment of an unpopular opinion, from who-wore-what to the Grammy awards, to the pluses and minuses of NATO troop insertions in Kosovo.
For example, based on our highly scientific surveys of at least three people, you’ll realize:
67% of Americans believe Juanita Broaddrick’s rape allegations, but still don’t care. So why should you?
69.7% of Americans admire Bill Gates. So let’s stop the antitrust action.
And, of perhaps equal importance: 51.3% of Americans prefer red over white; 57.2% prefer George over Brill’s Content ; 72.4% prefer Pilates over spinning; 82.6% of Hollywood hopes Mike Ovitz will fail, but 97.8% expect him to succeed. And although 66% of the American public thinks that Ally McBeal would make a better senator than Trent Lott, 82.1% believe that if she were teamed with Jesse Ventura in a steel-cage tag-team death-match national election, she’d lose by nine points to the pairing of Al Gore and George Clooney-so long as they promise to appoint Hillary to the United Nations, and put Bill in charge of the Red Cross, or development at Miramax.
At Insta-Poll.com, We Take the Thought Out of Thinking.
According to our privately commissioned survey, just about now you’re saying: “What do I need this for? I value my opinions. I’m not a politician. I don’t need you to tell me what to think.”
Perhaps. But given your position, and stature, do you really have the time, or the inclination, to read all 39 sections of The New York Times every morning, just to come up with something as fleeting as an opinion? In this poll-driven world, can you afford to not have your own Dick Morris? Moreover, do you really think you can get by anymore, sitting back in your chair at the Four Seasons, and issuing the usual grand pronouncements?
With a simple subscription to Insta-Poll.com, we guarantee you’ll sleep easier at night. And instead of counting sheep, you’ll see how much more pleasant life can be when you actually become one.
Why Take Chances? Always Be Right.
Now that the polls have decided George W. Bush beats Al Gore, you can save your money, skip the fund-raising dinners, and just spend your evenings watching Jerry Springer reruns until the next election.
Instead of getting all hot and bothered about Calvin Klein’s latest lurid advertising campaign (and his now-perfunctory, disingenuous apology for it), you can just sit back, safe with the realization that everyone is in on the joke at this point.
And before you get all riled up about Rudy Giuliani’s possibly unconstitutional D.W.I. car-seizure law, perhaps you’d best know that over 59% of registered voters in New York think Rudy should have the right to seize anything from airplanes to co-ops to baseball teams just because somebody “pisses him off.”
A Special Discount for Iconoclasts.
At Insta-Poll.com, we recognize our obligation to disenfranchised members of society. Thus, we offer a 15% discount to all contrarians, Republicans, George Will, and any die-hard unreconstructed 1960’s Upper West Side or Greenwich Village liberals. (Proof of draft-dodging, or Vietnam service record required. In no way is this to imply that we recognize the value, or the validity of your opinions, in the new, mainstream-only, poll-driven premillennium America.)
Have the Courage of Everyone Else’s Convictions.
Years ago, Bob Dylan might have been right when he sang “You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.”
But today, you do need a pollster-just to see if the wind is worth paying any attention to at all.
Sign up today.
99.3% of our subscribers report they feel better, just knowing that-personal feelings, morality issues, and religious beliefs aside-they once again have their finger on the pulse of America.
Remember: Our polls have a 3% margin for error.
But as a New Yorker, you don’t.
To subscribe, visit our Web site at http://www.Insta-Poll.com. And remember to look for our I.P.O. in the next few weeks. Three out of four day traders highly recommend it.