How to Rein In Boyfriend: Don’t Whip the Scamp

What should you do if you find a matchbook from Scores or the VIP Club in your guy’s jacket pocket?

1. Don’t go on a confrontational, pussy-whipping rampage: Be glad he has a normal libido.

2. Don’t panic: It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s going to stop bringing home the bacon–and start bringing home the clap.

3. Accompany him. Next time you are in Los Angeles hit the Spearmint Rhino or Bob’s Classy Lady. I have no idea if they are any good but the names are fantastic.

4. Buy yourself a set of pasties and a G-string–they are, according to the Supreme Court, the accessories du jour! Hit the Seventh Avenue Pleasure Chest before the rush starts: G-strings, $21 to $30–black leather, faux leopard, tux front etc.–pasties (always with tassels), $18 to $25–sequined, satin, leather with silver rings and marabou. Don’t forget the adhesive, $5.

5. Rent Paul Verhoeven’s Showgirls and teach yourself a few snappy routines–use the door frame!

Are you a messy eater ? Do you continually ruin your trendy clothes? H & M might just be the store for you–the clothes are so cheap that you can dispose of them like paper towels.

Hennes & Mauritz, the Swedish-based clothing retailer known for grooviness at rock-bottom prices, has just opened its first U.S. store at Fifth Avenue and 51st Street. Fifteen minutes after it had opened, 2,000 crazed people were already clutching armfuls of kooky, kicky sportswear–Marks & Spencer meets Sodom and Glockamorrah!

Three floors of staggering value! For $50 you can get three outfits and the quality is not bad at all. I personally inspected the $9, Bangladesh-made, handkerchief top featured in the ubiquitous ads and found it to be both nifty and well constructed.

The men’s clothing is just as spiffy: hip, Helmut Lang-ish men’s jackets, a total bargain at $89; matching pants, $39.

Ladies, you would be out of your mind to leave the house this season without an ostrich purse. If you cannot afford Prada or J.P. Tod’s, then ransack every thrift shop within screeching distance, or steal one from an aging relative. If you’re feeling crafty you can make your own: Call or visit the JC Ostrich Ranch, Highway 174, Danielsville, GA 30633; (706) 789-2915. Check out their fascinating Web site at http://www.jcranch.com. Start with an evening clutch bag at $95.

Went to the Whitney Biennial and confirmed my general feeling that Modern Art, though often quite retarded, can also be very entertaining.

There are lots of wacky installations, but the big news is that skill would appear to be making a comeback. Salomón Huerta, John Currin, Lisa Yuskavage can all do things that require training, and I for one could not be happier. The bad news: Hans Haacke’s Sanitation piece seemed a bit South Park- ish. Is he saying that Mayor Giuliani is on a par with Hitler or is he just throwing a childish stink bomb and retreating to the safety of the inert, codified, elitist Art World?

If you are at the Whitney Biennial and you are knocked up, and you don’t go across the street to check out the new Liz Lange Maternity boutique, then you are probably on crack and should never have become pregnant in the first place.

Liz’s latest maternity innovation: 70’s hot pants in dark stretch-denim for $175. The concept is as follows: You’re pregnant, most of your body is growing in all kinds of unexpected places, but your legs aren’t–so show them off. Warning: Do not wear the hot pants with a tube-top–you will look as if you work at Scores. A nonchalantly knotted man’s shirt will give the right mixture of maternal integrity and insouciance.