NYT Seeks SWM: This Times , It’s Personals!

For the first time in its history, The New York Times will publish personal advertisements. We prime the pump for the breakthrough section, set to premiere April 22.

Men Seeking Women

DON’T BE A CASSANDRA.

SWM financial genius seeking loving, independently wealthy SF. You feed my parrot, put my Leo memorabilia on eBay, enjoy a man who is strong enough to be feminine; I’ll do taxes, keep dough safe, have plenty of passports on hand for those last-minute impulse trips.

STERN TASKMASTER!

Sensitive shock jock, JWM, 40-ish, recently D, lots to offer despite minuscule member. Seeking F(s) willing to go topless on radio and who’s never heard of Imus. Fave book: The New Our Bodies, Ourselves. Fave movie: Bikini Carwash. Lesbian a +.

I CAN’T GIVE NAMEs, BUT CALL ME UCCIONE UNIOR!

Publishing scion with frisky hands seeks hot-tub tryst with foxy, intelligent writer-or hell, writers! Let me Spin you with my rare and unreleased Moby! If you’re litigious, please turn the page.

ME SO HORNBY!

Brooklyn SWM and trendy lit type, 32, seeks Zadie-like princess for afternoons whiled away in Cobble Hill Bookcourt, mashing lips (don’t mind my Brit choppers!) and racing for Cosi chicken sandwiches after reading dirty bits from Rick Moody and Matthew Klam. No Celestine Prophets or Helen Fielding freakos, please. Send top 10 desert-island picks and two writing samples.

STAGGERING HEARTBREAKER WITH UNBELIEVABLE …

razor wit, relocated to Bay Area but seeking occasional Manhattan muse to admire me. SWM, 30, millions in the bank, but I don’t care. Really, I don’t. Let’s e-mail back and forth first, work each other up. No S&M’ers-or S&S’ers, either. Points for having read me. Pre-nup will follow.

HUNTER COLLEGE

Soc. Prof., DWM, 53, seeks F companion to talk lit, lambaste hack job Garry Wills did on Dana Milbank book in Times Sunday Book Review compared to his recent New York Review of Books review of Godfrey Hodgson’s life of Moynihan. Discuss relative merits of Emile Durkheim over Max Weber. Possible marriage, divorce, lifelong guilt.

BARKIN’ UP A NEW TREE.

Handsome Gaelic DWM seeks buck-up. Lost me wife to chrome-domed Warbucks, lost me sitcom, too; now spend afternoons watching me Usual Suspects on DVD and combing me thick black hair. You: hot. Come have a pint of me Guinness.

PORTNOY’S NOT COMPLAINING!

60-something DJM, writer, seeks buxom shiksa goddess under 30 for long discussions about self, constipation. Just looking for fun, but possible tragic romance. Must agree that: Bellow is overrated; Updike is goofy-looking. Let me show you that I can still prick, even if the Bloom is off the rose.

I’M THE NEW CHEVY CHASE!

Me: SWM, SNL jokester, 26 y.o., killer Tom Green impersonation. Occasional “Weekend Update” score. You: SWF, interest in meeting Horatio Sanz … Tim Meadows level of commitment.

YOU CAN’T RUSHDIE LOVE!

Ctrl Pk W. DM, 53, well-versed novelist and big literary-dinner mystery guest. Millions want my body. Currently cooking with a foreign model but open to offers. No Shiites. Will you be this Moor’s next sigh?

CLARITIN LOVER.

SJM, 38, allergic to peanuts, dust mites, scented toilet paper, cats, dogs, ferrets, cigarette smoke, grass, ragweed, most airborne spores, milk, fleshy fruits, diesel fuel, shellfish, penicillin … Seeks F with same allergies for fun, cautious frolicking. No freaks, perfume-wearers.

FULL FRIDGE, EMPTY BEACH HOUSE.

Wound-licking almost DWM, 43, with Ben & Jerry’s gut and drafty place in Amagansett, seeking F interior decorator–personal trainer who’s not afraid of my house like the cuckoo ex. You: read my unpublished Times Op-ed rants, watch all my brothers’ movies on DVD. No G.O.P.-unless you’re really hot.

Women Seeking Men

YOU’RE ON THE LIST!

SWF, attractive publicist of indeterminate age, seeks financially secure WM, age 25-85, for film premieres, love and a bite to eat afterwards. What? IS IT TOO MUCH FOR ME TO ASK TO GET A HOT MEAL AND A CLOTH NAPKIN AFTER A THREE-HOUR-LONG MOVIE? Must enjoy: shouting, side-by-side Botox treatments, Hamptons screenings and hurling chairs at journalists.

TAKE LIBERTIES.

Lusty, funny-as-heck columnist, 40-ish, tired of saggy-assed movie actors, seeks fellow wag to commiz over W.’s foibles. “How dumb is W? Don’t misunderestimate him!” I got tons of ‘em! Must swear to have never seen that movie where Catherine Zeta-Jones slithers around in tights.

TAKE MY WORD, GIRLS, SHAKESPEARE’S NO LOVER!

SWF,28.Open-minded Oscar-winning Spence girl seeks very successful bad boy, 25-35, for guided tour of the wild side, where she can shake her skinny butt with the dark Bohemian elements of society, like dangerous public-school grads. Over brunch you tell me I would have killed as Erin Brockovich. Send headshots, references, medical records, filmography. Car service, publicity staff, Kiehl’s products included. No guys w/ gigantic teeth, drug problems or other Affleck-tions.

MIND IF I TAKE NOTES?

SWF, 36, ed. asst. at maj. mag., have sent 19 separate manuscripts for consideration in “Lives” section of Times Magazine. Seek interesting life experience with SWM. So far, no one cares about my Uncle Mel, my inverted nipple, my lazy eye, my job as a bike messenger, my ex-boyfriend Les, my night in a lesbian bar, my night as a stripper, my adult acne, my ex-boyfriend Sam, my first pair of leather pants, my week of going without a shower. Will you?

ALAN TRUSCOTT IS MY GOD!

DJF, 73. I bid two hearts. Please don’t pass! Let’s shoot the moon together. You + I = Marty Fleisher + Eric Rodwell at the Cavendish Pairs in Vegas last May. I also play “new style” mahjong. Must be able to drive at night. No “queens,” please.

I GET LATE-NIGHT

ROOM SERVICE!

SWF, 103 (surgically 45), widowed rich-as-God hotelier, seeks clean man, 25-45, who enjoys finer things-carrying small dogs, ritual humiliation of busboys, hanging with Imelda Marcos, wrapping your head in a towel and playing “the randy sheik.” No more cast members of Naked Boys Singing pls.

GET SANSKRIT?

Well, let’s get together and try and deconstruct Robin Finn’s “Public Lives” profiles. Rakish linguistics prof, DWF, 66, seeks like-minded translator for long weekends drinking tall glasses of chocolate milk and unraveling code (and whatever else needs unraveling!) No kids or kinky types.

TIMESMEN MAKE ME HOT.

SWF, 29, freelance Brooklyn writer, seeks hairy, flabby editor-type to whip my prose into shape. You: Clyde Haberman sensible, Rick Bragg HOT!, with a ready satchel of Neil Straussian knee-slappers and a Brantley-esque talent for arriving at the mot juste. MUST get home delivery 7 days a week, agree with A.O. Scott all the time, disagree with Elvis Mitchell half the time. No druggies, sports section readers.

Men Seeking Men

EAT MY SHORTZ!

GWM cruciverbalist seeks same w/ big vocab (in a way) for possible ecdysiasm. You: primrose hair, phthalocyanine eyes. Me: 9-across. Sundays, we pour mimosas and do the acrostic. Send pix.

JUST CALL IT MAGNIFICENT OBSESSION!

30-ishGWM,copyeditor turned musical genius, seeks GWM for doomed love affair, martinis, clove cigarettes. I enjoy watching: building demolitions, films of Douglas Sirk, anything by Rodgers and Hart. You enjoy watching: short men “doing” Nancy Walker imitations.

IMAGINE ANDREW SULLIVAN … IN ASTORIA!

Me: SWGM, had enuf of “the boys,” out of clst, Wall St, ready for lazy Sundays w. Fashion of Times, Home Design of Times, Home Entertaining of Times. U: SGAM, NOT lkg for sugar daddy, respctble, CLEAN (a must!).

Women Seeking Women

HOWELL REIGNS!

GWF, 27, I know I’m not the only one who read Thomas R. Skrowlnick of Grand Rapids, MI’s letter on attaching more conditions to U.S. aid to Egypt. If you = GBF, 20-something, and thought Skrowlnick’s proposal for improving relations with Hosni Mubarak was indecent, I have an “indecent proposal” for you! Discreet.

Variations

SISTERS, NO BLISTERS:

Blondes, 18, 20, with worldwide hotel privileges, seek twin brothers 20-30 to take them seriously. World sees: wild heiresses with madcap tendencies, baring chests, nethers in glossies, puking in plant pots. You see: girls who are related and just want to live! Our fave books: anything by Brontë or Collins sisters. Fave movies: Sisters, Parent Trap II, Full House, anything with twins. Fave activity: rainy-day harpsichord restoration. No famous actors, musicians.

MIRA … MEET MAX!

Want to be an English Patient? Are you a Talented Ms. Ripley? JMWN/SM’s, two husky film buffs, seek directors, writers from N.Y.U., Columbia Film School, clerks at Kim’s Video, for lively movie chats. We bring: downtown screening room, fresh sushi … meet Tom Stoppard! You bring: ideas for movies with Oscar potential, story ideas for monthly glossy mag. We own it. Really! (50 bucks to first 100 respondents.)

Announcements

DESPERATELY SEEKING BIG SHE.

When: Knicks-Lakers game 4/1. You, patriot, with simple blue jeans, big hair, excellent chestal, looking for new ways to honor America. Me, distinguished silver-haired, blue-eyed statesman in tan gabardine suit standing with Warren Beatty and fella with earpiece, nacho cheese on chin. We reached for the same napkin. I bit my lip, you squealed. Meet for long hugs/DreamWorks flicks?

ANNIVERSARY HAIKU FOR E.B.

In our Sea of Love

You made me feel skinny in

Those jeans you bought me

RON

DESPERATELY SEEKING THAT WOMAN, II …

4/1 Lakers/Knicks game. Me: dapper, unjustly castigated handsome American in gabardine suit, standing next to Steven Spielberg, waiting at microwave pizza vending mach. You: Knicks girl in Spandex shorts, half-time, running past you knocked my Coke to the floor. “Pardon me,” you giggled, as though you’d made a joke. Gone! Dinner after next home game with me and Kevin Spacey?

– Additional reporting by John Kearney and Jason Gay.