The Eight Day Week

Wednesday 23rd

Wilhelmina or won’tchemina? This was supposed to be the day on which Vagina Monologue -ist Eve Ensler discussed the “current state of activism among younger women” (i.e., midriff-bearing, knitting circles and cage-dancing ), but it was canceled because of a scheduling conflict-so you’re stuck with the party for the winners of the 2001 Latina Magazine Model Search! Hey, it’s been awhile since we told you about a really mindless event with models -and January can get a bit “serious,” with its biting winds and new political administrations, so stop your whining…. Your hosts: precociously sultry celebrity hostess Jamie-Lynn Sigler , who plays Meadow on an HBO television program called The Sopranos , and the Wilhelmina Model Agency.

[Saci Club, 135 West 41st Street, 7 p.m., by invitation only, 473-0700, ext. 377.]

Thursday 24th

Twombly or not Twombly, that is the question! If the Impressionists and their dainty little pointillist fleurs make you want to cut off your ear, try the Outsider Art Fair, which begins tonight with a gala preview benefiting the American Folk Art Museum (lots of braless ladies in their 40’s with salt-and-pepper hair and bangles). The “art brut” ( raw art) will include works by a British artist who started painting at the age of 39 after a mystical experience in a churchyard, and a Romanian-born artist who swam across the Danube River to escape Communism and later became obsessed with painting flying saucers. “They’re artists outside the mainstream,” said fair organizer Caroline Kerrigan, with touching understatement. “There’s a certain directness about it. A lot of these artists are removed from the art world-they are creating out of a need-but it’s funny because you can’t always tell. Some of the works you’ll see at the fair will look like Cy Twombly!”

[Puck Building, Houston and Lafayette streets, 5:30 p.m., 977-7170, ext. 303.]

For heaven’s Sykes! Tomorrow is Robert Burns Day, when all your friends who are one-eighth Scottish-a fact you know only because they’re, well, a wee bit parsimonious- serve shortbread and recite glum, unintelligible poetry to celebrate the birthday of the 18th-century Scottish bard. In other Scottish news , did you know that the Scotland Tourism Board lost all claim to dignity and gave Madonna her own tartan over the holidays? Tonight, button up your kilts and join model Kirsty Hume , her scruffy husband Donovan Leitch , magazine editor Lucy Sykes and her fiancé, Euan Rellie (who we assume is Scottish), at the launch party for http://www.ancestralscotland.com (run by the aforementioned tourist board). It’s a genealogy Web site that will help North Americans of Scottish descent trace their roots. A publicist promised bagpipers and Scottish finger foods, by which we hope they don’t mean haggis .

[Cellar Bar, Bryant Park Hotel, 40 West 40th Street, 6:30 p.m., 243-0976.]

Friday 25th

Guggen heimlich maneuver: Rip off your kilts and wiggle into your floor-length ball gowns and elbow-length gloves for the Viennese Opera Ball at the sparkly-chandeliered Waldorf …. Bring extra No-Doz and face-blotting papers, it’s going to be a looong night : dinner (probably something veal in a horrible creamy sauce) , dancing to Peter Duchin and his orchestra-and then, since it’s the 125th anniversary of the ball, they’re going to have a ” Tanz Bar” going till the obscene hour of 4 in the morning (which we think is the time, statistically, when most suicides are committed). What it benefits : the shared collections of the Kunsthistorisches Museum in Vienna, the State Hermitage Museum in St. Petersburg and our very own Guggenheim …. What it will cost you: that popular new post–Sept. 11 denomination, $750 !

[301 Park Avenue, reception at 8 p.m., dinner, dancing and "Tanz Bar" to follow, 819-0158.]

Saturday 26th

World Trade Centersploitation watch: It’s not just the people selling $5 FDNY and NYPD ski caps down at Ground Zero-how about the 350 antique dealers hitting Piers 88 and 90 today, their vans overflowing with “vintage patriotic items” : a $35,000 early electrical flag; red, white and blue quilts; and old copies of Irving Berlin’s “God Bless America”-“would look fabulous framed!” suggests a press release.

[Piers 88 and 90, 12th Avenue between 48th and 55th streets, 9 a.m., 255-0020.]

Sunday 27th

Hippie ex-boyfriend watch: Central Queens-the new Brooklyn -is positively thrumming with former flower children and their unwashed offspring as folk singer and living legend Pete Seeger (“If I Had a Hammer,” “Turn, Turn, Turn,” “Where Have All the Flowers Gone,” etc.) sings at an afternoon benefit for people affected by terrorism in New York and Israel.

[Forest Hills Jewish Center, 106-06 Queens Boulevard, Forest Hills, 4 p.m., call 718-268-5011 for directions, 'cause we can't help you.]

Monday 28th

If you’re going bonkers- and who in their right mind is not ? -the Mid-Manhattan Institute for Psychoanalysis , which sounds like the Learning Annex with shrinks, is starting several six-week-long courses today with titles like “Couples: Surviving Reality” and “Parenting Your Child Through Troubled Times.” Meanwhile, performance artist Lisa Levy -who’s sold “Studio 54 Reject” T-shirts and put cement cow turds under the ceramic ruminants in the cow parade (what a wacky prankster!)-is offering 13-minute therapy sessions for audience members at her show, Psychotherapy Live ! “I sort of had the idea for awhile, and then last year I decided that I just had to do it,” said Ms. Levy, an advertising art director by day who said she’s in her late 30’s. “So I rented a theater by myself and came home and told my boyfriend, and he was like, ‘ What ? Are you out of your mind?'” Men. “I’d been in all kinds of psychotherapy over the years-individual, group, couple-and I’m fairly cynical about it, because I think there are a lot of psychotherapists who just go by the book. Psychotherapy done properly is a very intuitive art. But it’s an overrated profession …. I believe in medication; that’s the only thing that worked for me.” These dark winter months can be a good time to rethink one’s dosage.

[M.M.I. courses, locations and times vary, 799-8558 to register; Psychotherapy Live! , HERE, 145 Sixth Avenue, 7 p.m., 647-0202.]

Two Pauls! Downtown, Paul McCartney’s fiancée, Heather Mills , is getting a party thrown for her by Vogue to celebrate her new ad campaign-her first since a ’93 accident took her left leg-with INC International Concepts (un- Vogue -ishly sold at Macy’s, but whatever, right? It’s a recession !). Location: in the space that used to house Moomba and is currently unnamed-how chic ! What they’ll want everyone to be thinking about: Ms. Mills’ pet cause, Adopt-A-Minefield. What everyone will actually be thinking about: Is Paul’s fashion-designer daughter Stella going to hire her new stepmum-to-be to walk the catwalk, or is she going to bitterly resent her? Uptown, gamine author Pamela Paul -who freelances for The Economist -celebrates her new book, The Starter Marriage and the Future of Matrimony , wherein she explores why as many as 25 percent of first marriages in America (including her own) fail within two years.

[Heather Mills party, 133 Seventh Avenue South, 6:30 p.m., by invitation only, 242-9353; Pamela Paul party, in somebody's fancy Park Avenue apartment, 6 p.m., by invitation only, 545-3625.]

Thought you’d escaped Eve Ensler (see Jan. 23, above)? … Think again ! It’s Amnesty International’s Media Spotlight Awards , hosted by New York’s very own frisky former first lady, Donna Hanover (who we hear has pitched a tent behind Gracie Mansion), and co-chaired by the always glam, if slightly loopy Bianca Jagger …. The inevitable sketches from The Vagina Monologues will be performed by the inevitable, but cute and surging, Marisa Tomei …. Also, actress Salma Hayek will honor the memory of the late Mexican human-rights activist Digna Ochoa, and Ted Koppel and Maria Shriver will both receive awards for journalistic excellence, which means there will be enough thick, shiny helmet hair in the place to weave yourself a new living-room carpet.

[Chelsea Piers, Pier 60, 6:30 p.m., cocktails, dinner and ceremony to follow, 573-6933.]

Tuesday 29th

If you’re like us, you totally spaced on (i.e., weren’t invited to ) that big Prada store-opening party a few weeks back, and then shamefully dragged your Precious there one Sunday afternoon (he said, “Where are all the clothes? ” ), got dizzy looking at the weird Rem Koolhaas architecture and then maxed out your credit card at the Woodbury Common Prada outlet …. Well, here’s a consolation prize: It’s the grand opening of the Baker Furniture store in Tribeca, designed by Bill Sofield. O.K., he’s no Rem Koolhaas (is that even a real name?), but he designed the Yves Saint Laurent and Gucci stores for Tom Ford, and a whole bunch of Ralph Lauren stores. Whom you might sink into a sofa with: our sensitive new Mayor, Michael Bloomberg ; Observer alum Candace Bushnell ; the one-two punch of writer Fran Lebowitz and photographer Annie Leibovitz ; lovably nasty actor Nathan Lane; and hockey player Wayne Gretzky …. Meanwhile, a bit farther uptown, Washington Post investing columnist James K. Glassman celebrates his new book, The Secret Code of the Superior Investor , with some buttoned-down types, although maybe you shouldn’t be listening to the fellow who co-wrote a book titled Dow 36,000 back in giddy 1999 ….

[Baker Tribeca store opening, 129 Hudson Street, 6:30 p.m., by invitation only, 957-3005; James K. Glassman party, the Carriage House, 149 East 38th Street, 6 p.m., by invitation only, 202-467-5535.]

Wednesday 30th

Married to Marimekko? Finally, an Oscar-campaign event that appears to have nothing to do with the hot-breathers at Miramax : A festival of Nordic contenders for Best Foreign Language Film begins today at Scandinavia House with the Norwegian film Elling . It’s a jolly, Odd Couple –esque fable about two fellows ( shy, fussy, neurotic Elling and big, hulking, sex-obsessed Kjell-Bjarne ) who hit it off in a psycho ward-but can they share an apartment? Look for many scenes of Elling spitting out his toothpaste when he discovers one of naughty Kjell-Bjarne’s dates in the shower ….

[58 Park Avenue, 6:30 p.m., 879-9779.]