The Eight Day Week

Wednesday 30th

Last gawsp of the 90’s? For a while there, it seemed like one couldn’t go into a nightclub without the men whipping out their cigars and a solitary lady (with a great show of false, flirtatious bravado ) following suit. It was a time of stinky breath , heightened oral cancer and high dry-cleaning bills …. Then came Bill and Monica , and we thought we’d seen the last of this filthy, pretentious habit . But no, not yet: Tonight, Smoke magazine celebrates its sixth anniversary and latest cover babe, Gena Lee Nolin , at a party featuring tapas, prizes and spasmodic coughing. “We’re kind of the younger, hipper Cigar Aficionado ,” claimed editor in chief Alyson Boxman Levine , a raspy-voiced 35. “They’re kind of like ‘How to buy your own island,’ and we’re kind of like ‘How to pick your own fantasy-football league.’ A lot of magazines are, you know, going under , so we just wanted to show that we’re alive and doing well.” Yes, nothing lights up a stogie like a bit of Schadenfreude …. Meanwhile, why is everyone so afraid to just state the truth: Talk magazine stank , no one read it and it would have flopped even in a booming economy. There!

[Club Macanudo, 26 East 63rd Street, 7 p.m., 391-2060, ext. 102.]

Thursday 31st

Ding Duong! Question for the unattached males of Manhattan : Is the idea of 50 women in their 30’s gyrating vigorously in the West Village thrilling, or a wee bit scary? …Get out your cami-soles and floaty little skirts , girlfriends, for the “50 Fabulous Females” Dance Party (no relation to Cosmopolitan ‘s “Fun Fearless Female”), held at Diane von Furstenberg’s studio and benefiting the AIDS charity Love Heals. What it will cost you to wave your hands in the air along with former Manhattan File editor Cristina Greeven Cuomo, frisky Cubist-faced clotheshorse Anh Duong, newly affianced New York Times Style reporter Alex Kuczynski, ageless actress Susan Sarandon and blond publicist Lara Shriftman: $125- cheap ! Lizzie Grubman watch in effect ….

[389 West 12th Street, 8 p.m., 529-7935.]

Fifty unshaven men? Alas for those game “fabulous females,” it’s a sad truth that many of the city’s aforementioned unattached men are to be found, unshaven and possibly unwashed, in the dank cellars of comedy clubs , trying to make that big transition from computer consulting to … showbiz ! Tonight, Brooklyn-based “comedy collective” Modern Humorist , a hotbed of Harvard men who can’t quite crack the six-feet mark, presents an evening of comic sketches and stand-up routines. Among the performers: Keebler elf–like Todd Barry, the elegantly mournful David Rakoff, Hamptons Comedy Festival alum Seth Herzog and one lone babe, Colleen Werthmann . “We haven’t slept with any of the performers. That was our only criteria,” said MH co-founder John Aboud. Bring Carrot Top ….

[Knitting Factory, 74 Leonard Street, 7:30 and 9 p.m., 219-3006.]

Friday 1st

Muffie, may I? We feel the dull prick of Fashion Week nipping at our loins, and it don’t feel good, honey, it don’t feel good …. Today at Saks Fifth Avenue, home of the $150 mitten , Saks prez Christina Johnson, along with socialites Emilia Fanjul Jr. and Muffie Potter Aston, throw a lunch for designer Albert Kriemler , a Swiss fellow who makes smart little suits. Whom you’ll clink glasses of ice water with: Ce Ce Cord (mama to the pillow-lipped, narrow-hipped Elisabeth ), morning-anchor-woman-turned-songstress Deborah Norville and lighthearted party animal Kalliope Karella . (Ain’t it great to still be rich?) And speaking of Fashion Week, clothes are looking like hell , have you noticed? It seems that this spring, everyone is supposed to look like a peasant -perhaps a reaction to the midriff-baring slut look? Sure, pregnant women will look nice , but how many non-pregnant gals do you know who look good in a peasant blouse?

[611 Fifth Avenue, third floor, noon, by invitation only, 940-4232.]

You remember Slacker , the 1991 movie about social outcasts which a) helped make Austin, Tex., an outpost of disaffected Ivy Leaguers; b) prompted a spate of slick, pseudo-subversive movies about “slackers” like Reality Bites ; and c) put us into a deep snooze every time we’ve rented it? Well, tonight comes Slackers (no relation), about a trio of scheming college roommates who lock horns with an ambitious nerd; starlet James King (see photo), a former model trying to be the next Reese Witherspoon , plays the brainy co-ed on whom everyone has a big crush. “I wanted to call it Shut Your Pie Hole , but the studio won every battle that we had,” said director Dewey Nicks . “I actually had a contest with everyone on the crew; I put up a thousand dollars of my own money and said, ‘Name the movie and if the studio goes for it, I’ll give you a thousand bucks.’ We tried every avenue, we came up with all sorts of things, and the bottom line is that in the lexicon of today’s youth, the word ‘slacker’ rings every bell in the entire world.” Meanwhile, have you noticed that every movie theater in the city is packed these days, every seat filled, even though all the “Oscar buzz” movies are actually very mediocre films which everyone has subconsciously agreed to gush over?

[777-FILM.]

Saturday 2nd

Boatload of boots: The great boot scam of fall 2001 -wherein designers tried to convince us that those lace-up granny things were chic, when it turned out what we really needed was footwear that would allow us to run like mad if necessary-officially ends today with Ferragamo’s V.I.P. private sale. Clomp-clomp-clomp !

[Parsons School of Design, 560 Seventh Avenue, auditorium, second floor, 2 p.m., supposedly by invitation only.]

Sunday 3rd

People in Glass houses? Composer Philip Glass turns 65 and premieres a piece called Passages , which we don’t think is based on the Gail Sheehy book …. If that doesn’t ring your chimes, fear not, it’s a big “personal development” day at the 92nd Street Y: At 10 a.m.- yawn !-there’s a seminar, “Mothers and Daughters: The Most Powerful of Relationships” -and if you cut out early, you can also hit a workshop at the Y, “Alternative Careers: Matching Your Personality with the Right Job,” led by consultant Shoya Zichy , who says the entire population can be broken down into Gold Guardians , Blue Change Agents , Red Pragmatists and Green Humanists. “I get a lot of lawyers who come in to see me, and they hate practicing law. They loved law school, but they’re not confrontational, and you can’t be a good lawyer if you’re not confrontational,” said Ms. Zichy. What about a non-confrontational reporter? “That’s a problem. Maybe you could perhaps write e-books or pamphlets.”

[Philip Glass, Carnegie Hall, 57th Street and Seventh Avenue, 3 p.m., 247-7800; 1395 Lexington Avenue, Mothers and Daughters, 10 a.m., Alternative Careers, 1 p.m., 415-5500.]

Monday 4th

Is it just us, or is yoga the Barry Manilow of exercises -light, relaxing, with its often loony followers ardently arguing that it really is “a way of life” ? Tonight, as Mr. Manilow performs at amFAR’s Seasons of Hope gala, hosted by Matthew Broderick and Nathan Lane ($1,000 gets you readings from Vanity Fair ‘s Dominick Dunne, The New Yorker ‘s crazy Francophile Adam Gopnik, and playwrights John Guare and Tony Kushner-and worth every centime ), celebrity yogi Rodney Yee celebrates his new book, Yoga: The Poetry of the Body , at his powerful client Donna Karan’s flagship store. “It’s like, ‘No, this is not one more thing to put on your plate to perfect – it’s a way to spend time with yourself, a way to listen to yourself, a way to spend a little time every day slowing down and digesting,'” said Mr. Yee, a former ballet dancer from Piedmont, Calif. “I’m in love with poetry; I’ve read it in my yoga classes for decades . Right now I’m reading a lot of Czeslaw Milosz , a lot of Pablo Neruda , a lot of Jane Kenyon .” How did he feel about being named the “stud-muffin guru” by Time magazine? “That wasn’t through my eyes or words or a student’s eyes or words; they probably saw me on a video and conjured up that caption,” said Mr. Yee.

[amFAR gala, Cipriani, 110 East 42nd Street, 6:30 p.m., 806-1753; Rodney Yee, Donna Karan New York, 819 Madison Avenue, 7 p.m., by invitation only, 727-2220.]

Tuesday 5th

Is she a good Witchel, or a bad Witchel? New York Times Style reporter Alex Witchel reads from her first novel, Me Times Three , a madcap fable about an editor whose fiancé turns out to have two other fiancées, which seems to draw from Ms. Witchel’s pre- Times , pre–Frank Rich time at Elle magazine and has received happy blurbs from Sarah Jessica Parker , Wendy Wasserstein and-the money shot- Joan Didion. Bonus dirty excerpt! “The awful paradox is that for as many assholes as a woman can sleep with in a lifetime -an infinite amount, apparently-the ones who want to sleep with you, who grab you and hold you as a woman, who respond to you without thinking -even if they’re not capable of thinking-well, that’s also the way women need to be loved.” Shouldn’t that be “infinite number” of assholes?

[Corner Bookstore, 1313 Madison Avenue, 7 p.m., 831-3554.]

We don’t know if fat is back or skinny is in , but we can tell you one thing: Tacky is eternal. The Elle Décor “Dining by Design” benefit for Design Industries Foundation Fighting AIDS (DIFFA) ends tonight with a big gala, followed by a champagne-soaked after-party with jugglers, hula hoopsters, pole dancers and , for real entertainment, the quintuple junior-socialite whammy of the Hilton sisters , Lulu de Kwiatkowski, Nadja Swarovski and Maggie Rizer …. Meanwhile, Anna Nicole Smith , Carre Otis and Mia Tyler work the runway of the Lane Bryant lingerie fashion show , the heavyweight version of the mind-bogglingly ludicrous Victoria’s Secret event. Incongruous special entertainment: KISS!

[DIFFA benefit, Hammerstein Ballroom, 311 West 34th Street, 6:30 p.m., Bubble Blast 9:30 p.m., by invitation only, 727-3100; Lane Bryant and Kiss, Roseland Ballroom, 239 West 52nd Street, 6:30 p.m. cocktails, show to follow, by invitation only, 822-8171.]

Wednesday 6th

De Niro schmatte ! Well, it looks as if Hollywood has snapped back nicely from Sept. 11, doesn’t it , with that positive parade of the froufrou at the Golden Globes-all those Aussies, Sarah Jessica Parker in what looked like a big black bib , and don’t even get us started on Sela Ward …. Thank goodness some stars still have dignity, like Robert De Niro , who had the foresight-or the lunacy?-to save, like, everything he’s ever worn in a movie and hand the whole pile to the American Museum of the Moving Image in Astoria. Today, more than two dozen of the 3,000-odd items donated by Mr. De Niro go on display. Our big-cheese editor has already entered a sealed bid for everything Mr. De Niro wore in The King of Comedy .

[36th Street at 35th Avenue, Astoria, take the R, G or spanking new V train to Steinway Street, noon, 718-784-0077.]