The Eight Day Week

Wednesday 13th

But of Kors! Well, what can we say: After all the post–Sept. 11 promises to be “subdued” and “respectful,” Fashion Week has gone ahead and swallowed the city like a great big billowing peasant blouse …. Designers Michael Kors ( Ralph Lauren crossed with Isaac Mizrahi ), Oscar de la Renta (rich, ruffles and some question about when he acquired the “de la”) and Anna Sui (bohemian, “kooky”) all exhibit their fall offerings today …. If you’re like us , you kind of like reading about this stuff in magazines on the StairMaster , but the thought of elbowing your way past the ghouls into an actual show makes you want to collapse onto a recliner-where you’ll probably happen upon your beloved mate, alarmingly mesmerized by one of HBO’s queasy, profoundly unsexy “documentary” sex programs -but tonight you can have it both ways as actors Susan Sarandon (ageless babe ! but what has she been in lately?) and Alan Cumming (bouncy wee fellow) auction off some “designer” La-Z-Boy chairs in Chelsea to benefit Bailey House, which provides shelter for homeless people with AIDS.

[All fashion shows are by invitation only: Michael Kors, the Gallery, Bryant Park, Fifth Avenue and 41st Street; 11 a.m., fax 221-1952; Oscar de la Renta, the Theater, Bryant Park, 1 p.m., fax 382-1181; Anna Sui, the Theater, Bryant Park, 7 p.m., fax 590-5101; La-Z-Boy auction, Metropolitan Pavilion, 125 West 18th Street, 6:30 p.m., 633-2500.]

Only three people left on Earth, and they still have relationship problems! Welcome to the plot of director Harry Ralston’s The Last Man , starring Boston Public ‘s Jeri Ryan . After-party at Veruka, which we think was almost hot in 1998. Who needs Peggy Siegal? Answer: You do!

[Village East Theater, 189 Second Avenue, 8 p.m., party to follow, Veruka, 525 Broome Street, by invitation only, 888-0080, ext. 309.]

Thursday 14th

Get out your headdresses, girlfriend s: Bob Mackie, who dressed Cher for her flamboyant years-and who we have the strangest feeling is about to make a big splashy comeback -today shows a collection inspired by “the Broadway musical.” If that doesn’t jangle your spangles , there’s always Ralph Lauren , the favorite of the set that would be horsy. Later, Carolina Herrera (renowned neatnik, likes polka dots) launches Chic, a new fragrance. Spritz away, folks; nothing wrong with it!

[Bob Mackie, the Gallery, Bryant Park, 11:30 a.m., 633-1400; Ralph Lauren, 650 Madison Avenue, 10 a.m. and 11 a.m., fax 857-2584; Carolina Herrera, the New York Kunsthalle, 210 East Fifth Street, 7 p.m., 564-6367, ext. 35. All by invitation only.]

St. Valentine’s Day?! Hmm, how to endure this distressing, high-expectations holiday ? How about HurryDate’s “Valentine’s Day, Shmalentine’s Day Bash” down at South Street Seaport, a turbo-charged version of Jewish “speed-dating,” in which 50 men and 50 women go on 25 three-minute dates in 75 minutes? It costs $30 to participate and- in a rather creepy nod to voyeurism -$10 to observe . “The people that come are just really fun, open-minded, spontaneous, adventurous, well-heck-I’ll-try-anything-once kind of people,” said Adele Testani, a bubbly 26, who co-founded HurryDate with a high-school buddy, Ken. Has she met any fellas? “I haven’t actually, but Ken has met a few girls.” Meanwhile, in the even creepier world of “highbrow” speed-dating, The New Yorker stages a night of readings from its trove of love stories and poems, read out loud by every gal’s dream guy, comedian Al Franken. Camisoles de rigueur.

[Valentine's Day, Shmalentine's Day Bash, Pier 17 Atrium, South Street Seaport, 7 p.m., make reservations at http://www.hurrydate.com; The New Yorker "Fiction Love," the Cutting Room, 19 West 24th Street, doors open at 7 p.m., 691-1900.]

Friday 15th

Beene there, done that! Fashion Week, which should be called Fashion Fortnight , ends today with some veterans: grumpy genius Geoffrey Beene ; Donna Karan , who we hope is beginning to emerge from her New Age–chiffon phase; and Mr. Clean, Calvin Klein . You probably don’t have the stomach for all the after-parties to follow, but do you have the stomach to see Britney Spears and her abs in Crossroads , her big movie debut? (No New York premiere, sorry-we really do need Peggy Siegal!) Waking Up in Reno , a Patrick Swayze–Charlize Theron road-trip picture produced by Billy Bob Thornton , was also scheduled to open today, but when they found out they’d be going up against Britney’s road-trip movie they postponed it indefinitely. And that’s all the “insider showbiz dirt” we have for you at the present time.

[Geoffrey Beene, 37 West 57th Street, second floor, 10 a.m., fax 980-6579; Donna Karan, high-concept place to be announced, 1 p.m. and 3 p.m., fax 865-9876; Calvin Klein, Milk Studios, 450 West 15th Street, 6 p.m., fax 292-9131. All by invitation only. Crossroads , 777-FILM.]

Saturday 16th

“Kumbaya” has been known to make the sturdiest men weep, and tonight in the Bronx -which is the new Brooklyn, now that Brooklyn is the new Nolita – Whitney Houston’s unflaky mom, Cissy, will belt out that tune and others as she headlines a 20-song gospel review, Gospitality . Bring Mariah Carey.

[Lehman Concert Hall, 250 Bedford Park Boulevard West, the Bronx, 8 p.m., 718-960-8833.]

Sunday 17th

If Robert Redford were our daddy, we’d be spending our days on the ski slopes and our nights stoned out of our minds, padding around the cabin in Navajo moccasins with a steaming hot toddy-but his actual daughter, Amy , went to Dalton and then insisted on being an actress, and you can see her tonight in Golden Ladder , a new play about a daughter with a Jewish father and a Christian mom. “I grew up wanting to be Jewish,” she told us. “I loved it! I loved the customs; I loved going to people’s houses for Shabbat; I loved everything. Is there a better language than Yiddish?” Now she’s 32 and married. Does she dream of a day when she won’t be referred to as you-know-who’s daughter? “I’m not going to hold my breath, ’cause I’ll run out of oxygen.” What’s her favorite of her dad’s movies? ” Jeremiah Johnson .” Does he have a secret nickname for her? “I’m not telling you.” How is she similar to him? “Bad teeth.”

[The Players Theater, 115 MacDougal Street, 3 p.m. and 7 p.m., 239-6200.]

Monday 18th

Your boyfriend is glued to the TV watching the luge competition in the Olympics with a troubling intensity …. The “Games” officially started a week ago in Salt Lake City, Utah, but so far it’s been a bit of a snooze, with curling and snow boarding (a fake sport). The hype begins today -ya got yer ice-dancing and, tomorrow, ladies’ figure-skating short program. Whom to root for: nice, clean All-American girls Michelle Kwan and Sarah Hughes …. Anyone else miss the days when ice skaters were knee-whacking white trash, doleful Eastern Europeans with dormant drinking problems or, at the very least, vaguely sluttish?

[Ladies' figure-skating on Tuesday (that's tomorrow), NBC, 8 p.m.]

Tuesday 19th

Hockey or Hockney? Much like Fashion Week before it, the Olympics grind on; the women’s hockey semifinal is today … but if you don’t like the sight of sweaty babes “checking” each other, there’s David Hockney’s Stage Works , an exhibit of paintings and drawings from the artist’s designs for the Metropolitan Opera Company’s 1981 production of Parade .

[Hockey, MSNBC-or is it CNBC?-1 p.m.; David Hockney, Richard Gray Gallery, 1018 Madison Avenue, 10 a.m., 472-8787.]

Wednesday 20th

Ah, the literary life! Web-site proprietor, author and “man about town” Thomas Beller has self-published a quickie book, Before and After: Stories from New York , about New York pre– and post–Sept. 11, culled mostly from his spiffy Web site. Tonight some friends read aloud from the book . Bonus dirty excerpt from the “Before” section: “I like to show a little midriff.”

[Ivy's Books, 2486 Broadway, 7 p.m., 362-8905.]