Eight Day Week

WEDNESDAY 17th

Get Burns’d! No, not by Ed Burns (promising filmmaker and professional cad who’s leaving an impressive trail of fine-boned fillies in his wake; will someone please convene Maxine, Heather and Christy over green tea and find out what the deal is?), but the PBS version of a Burns: Ken and Ric Burns , the brother documentarians, are the honorees tonight at Channel 13′s big gala, where the totebag-toting, sensible-shoe-wearing crowd will clamber atop their seats to hear lovably horsy folk singer Carly Simon perform with her and James Taylor’s son, Ben Taylor . He’s a 24-year-old who’s had some trouble actually releasing his 1997 album, Green Dragon, Name a Fox , but recently sang on an American Express commercial …. Meanwhile, downtown, Uma Thurman’s husband Ethan Hawke ( He acts! He writes novels! He changes nappies! ) joins Details editor Daniel Peres , who’s had a bout with back spasms, at the premiere of Mr. Hawke’s directorial debut, Chelsea Walls . It’s got a Robert Altman flavor- five stories set on the same day at the Chelsea Hotel and a large ensemble cast, including Ms. Thurman. After-party sponsor: Budweiser. Burp !

[Channel 13 gala, Plaza Hotel, Terrace Room and Grand Ballroom, Fifth Avenue and Central Park South, cocktails, 6:30 p.m., dinner to follow, 627-1000; Chelsea Walls premiere, screening, Chelsea West Theater, 333 West 23rd Street, 7:30 p.m., party to follow, the Cutting Room, 19 West 24th Street, by invitation only, 630-4855.]

THURSDAY 18th

Jonathan, meet Jonathan:

One wonders, does best-selling author Jon-athan (“Who Needs Oprah?”) Franzen , dissed by the Pulitzer committee, feel threatened by this new Jon-athan , 25-year-old whippersnapper Jonathan Safran Foer , Princeton grad and author of the much-ballyhooed new Holocaust novel Everything Is Illuminated ? Well, we greatly enjoyed the mojitos at Mr. Franzen’s book party a while back, but alas, they’re not even popping a Budweiser for Mr. Foer- “He’s a modestguy,” claimshis book’spublicist-though his fans will slurp Frappuccinos and pack the eaves of the Barnes & Noble in Chelsea tonight as he reads and signs. Actor Liev Schreiber, who bought the film rights, will warm up the crowd. Bonus dirty excerpt: “She used her thumbs to pull the lace panties from her waist, allowing her engorged genitalia the teasing satisfaction of the humid summer updrafts …. ” Norman Mailer couldn’t have said it better, kid-now get back to your Nintendo. Tonight’s option B: paw through actual illuminated books at the preview party of the Antiquarian Book Fair, the last refuge for single people who refuse to advertise on the purportedly “hip,” yet actually quite creepy and soulless Nerve.com personals; the $35 admission fee buys classical guitar music, canapés and limitless plastic cups of warm Chardonnay.

[Jonathan Safran Foer reading, Barnes & Noble, 675 Sixth Avenue, 7:30 p.m., 727-1227; Antiquarian Book Fair, Park Avenue

Armory, Park Avenue and 67th Street, 5 p.m., 777-5218.]

FRIDAY 19th

Funny girls? Manhattan bubbles over with “kooky” ladies today, starting at lunch time, when a bunch of women’s magazine editors in pearls -including at least one prematurely headmistressy junior magazine editor who fancies herself the next Bonnie Fuller -gather to meet one of those performer-writers, Cynthia

Kaplan , whose stand-up routine of a book, Why I’m Like This , is coming out in July …. And speaking of lunch , if we have to hear one more time that someone is the “female David Sedaris,” we’re going to lose ours. Later , on grassy St. Mark’s Place, two-month-old comedy troupe Faulty Logic presents its first variety revue. ” It’s just going to be a big experiment!” said producer-performer Esther Silberstein , 31, an ad copywriter by day. “There’s four women, three men. It’s a neat dynamic. We talked briefly about ‘Should it be an all-female group?’-a lot of male comedians are really intimidated to work with female comedians-but we think it’s more interesting to have men in it. We don’t want to pigeonhole ourselves.” They’ll be accompanied by a live band , Loose Leaves. “I wrote a musical finale,” said Ms. Silberstein, “and in my head I was thinking ‘Ethel Merman, big band, cheesy musical,’ but apparently they kind of made it a rock number.” That’s men for you-always messing with your “vision.”

[Cynthia Kaplan lunch, Lola, 30 West 22nd Street, 12:30 p.m., by invitation only, 207-7498; Faulty Logic, St. Marks Theater, 94

St. Marks Place, 10:30 p.m., 561-9524.]

SATURDAY 20th

Leggo my Yaddo! The country’s most prestigious writers and artists colony needs money (it’s not easy to keep the Merlot flowing!). So two saucy-but-serious brunettes , naughty novelist A.M. Homes and Yaddo president Elaina Richardson (formerly of Elle magazine), host a benefit for Yaddo. Ms. Homes, dirty-book writer Jonathan Ames and temperamental RickMoody (who gets points for recognizing the genius of the late William Gaddis ) will read from new work – uh-oh -and “talk about the creative process” while, in other rooms, Yaddo paintings are displayed on a big wall, singers sing Yaddo poems set to the music of Yaddo composers, and somebody with a lute wanders about, for all we know …. Have you ever noticed how for some lucky people, life is just one big well-funded college literary magazine? What it will cost you: $300 at least -but $75 to be let in, humiliatingly, at 10 p.m. for dessert only.

[The Century Association, 7 West 43rd Street, 7 p.m., 518-584-0746.]

SUNDAY 21st

Street-fair alert! Better give the Upper West Side an even wider berth than usual today , as 500 arts, crafts and antiques exhibitors load flimsy tables up and down Broadway between 96th and 110th streets with lanyards, turquoise jewelry, wooden-pronged back-massage thingies and paintings of their dogs. There will also be 40 food purveyors representing the ethnic menus of 30 nations ( burp ) and continuous entertainment ( migraine alert ) from noon to 5 p.m. for the enjoyment of all those new millennial fortysomething moms wielding their prams like weed-whackers …. Meanwhile , a whole other swath of these moms head southwest for a Children’s Museum of Manhattan benefit whose trippy theme is ” ROYGBIV ” (the colors of the spectrum)-think finger-painting, obstacle courses and a spirited deconstruction of Horace Mann nursery-school admissions policies ….

[11th Annual West Side Spring Festival, Broadway between 96th and 110th streets, 11 a.m., 764-6330; Children's Museum of Manhattan benefit, Jacob K. Javits Convention Center, Galleria River Pavilion, 11th Avenue and 34th Street, 11 a.m., 721-1223.]

MONDAY 22nd

B’way benefit brawl: Really, you shouldn’t leave the house tonight unless you are terribly fond of “showbiz” people : There’s a) the Easter Bonnet competition thrown by Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS , and b) the Roundabout Theatre Company’s presentation of the

Jason Robards Award for Excellence to plummy Christopher Plummer (stern dad whose icy reserve is slowly melted by Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music , one of our big-cheese editor’s favorite “talkies”). Whoopi Goldberg , downshifting from her Oscars gig, hosts; Ms. Andrews, Jane Fonda and Natasha Richardson put on snappy pantsuits.

[Easter Bonnet competition, New Amsterdam Theatre, 214 West 42nd Street, 4:30 p.m., 840-0770; Roundabout Theatre Company Award for Excellence, Cipriani 42nd Street, 110 East 42nd Street, 6:30 p.m., 719-9393.]

This just in : GQ editor in chief Art Cooper is throwing a party at Elaine’s for GQ contributing editor Ted Heller to celebrate his new novel, Funny Men . Proceed with caution : There’s nothing quite like facing down a roomful of GQ editors pushing 50, clutching martinis and being “funny.”

[1703 Second Avenue, 6 p.m., by invitation only, 286-6823.]

TUESDAY 23rd

Breedersvs. friends of Dorothy! Anna Quindlen may have quit The Times for the squishier pastures of Newsweek , but her spirit lives on in the form of The Times’ Life’s Work columnist Lisa Belkin, whose writings make us want to clock our Precious over the head with the paper whenever he leaves a half-eaten dish of Cheerios on the kitchen table …. This evening, Ms. Belkin joins Sylvia Ann Hewlett -author of that terrifying book Creating a Life: Professional Women and the Quest for Children , which reports that our chances of having a kid and a fancy career are about as likely as Precious washing his own Cheerios dish-at a panel, “Can Women Have It All? A New York Times Job Market Conversation.” Our suggestion for last-minute glam-panel addition: former Harper’s Bazaar editor Kate Betts , who wrote in the Times Styles section recently about how pregnancy brought her 5-foot-9 frame up to ( gawsp ) 150 pounds. Later , downtown, New York magazine plunges ahead with a party for its “Gay Life Now” issue, despite having lost its most outspokenly gay editor and all-around party guy, Maer Roshan , to now-defunct Talk magazine -not to mention watching Time Out New York , The New York Times Magazine and Rosie pretty much corner the “gay life” market ….

["Can Women Have it All?" panel discussion, 111 East 59th Street, 6:30 p.m., 888-NYT-1870; New York magazine party, Beige at B Bar, 40 East Fourth Street,

8 p.m.-open bar ends at 10 p.m.!-by

invitation only, 508-0854.]

WEDNESDAY 24th

Aspiring Ethan Hawkes with scraggly goatees, ghostly pallors and $300 glasses -but no busty bisyllabic Nordic goddesses on their arms-flock to the Gen Art Film Festival, which opens tonight with Love in the Time of Money , yet another ensemble pic set in New York! Actor Steve Buscemi lends the requisite indie cred, Target (supposedly the thinking woman’s Kmart , though still no Manhattan branch) sponsors the gig, and the film is apparently loosely based on Arthur Schnitzler’s book Reigen/Liebelei (insert blurry flashback to cozy junior-year comp-lit seminar here, when you sat next to the goateed guy who seemed so smart but today would strike you as a pompous fool … ).

[Screening, Loews Lincoln Square, Broadway and 68th Street, 7:30 p.m. sharp, party to follow, Candy, 230 West 54th Street, 971-5420.]