The perplexed young bucks in question entered the workplace when every Wall Street dude was wearing hideously mediocre golf shirts to work. These role-model-less saplings have never worn a suit in their lives, or seen one worn with anything approaching savoir faire . Now, as the business world swings back toward dress codes, these lads are encountering the challenges of non-casual dressing for the first time-and they don't know a welted pocket from a side-vent. The poor little lambs have lost their way.

Here's what I'm telling them:

1. Don't dandify. Tarting and farting yourself up-as per magazine editorials-with swanky suits, brocade ties, high-collared clowny checked shirts and pocket squares should only be undertaken by aging homosexuals (like me) who have the wealth of experience necessary to pull off that particular look. Over-accessorizing-the other thing men's mags exhort readers toward-is also a good way to bring derision upon your self: Twinkly tie-pins and cufflinks, designer money clips and state-of-the-art cell phones will make an earnest young hopeful come off like a self-indulgent sleazeball.

2. The ideal look for you, as you start to claw your way to the lower middle rung, is that of a hip funeral director. Pretend you're one of the brothers on Six Feet Under -choose from straight or gay-and buy yourself a hiply nondescript gray (NOT BLACK!) suit with flat-front pants. Ed Norton had the same look in Fight Club . To the delight of your boss, your sartorial restraint will signify a comforting subservience. Meanwhile, all the office hotties will dig the minimalist hip of your Helmut Lang–ish look.

3. Don't spend more than $600; you could get fired tomorrow and find yourself back in a casual work environment-e.g., a restaurant kitchen. Brooks Brothers' Brooks-ease suits sell for $598 (extra pants are $178 a pair). Tommy Hilfiger also has a good-looking three-button gray wool suit with an acceptable single pleat for $425.

5. Here is your list of furnishings (industry-speak for shirts, ties and shoes):

-A simple, Brooks Brothers white button-down shirt (snag a couple of groovily nerdy short-sleeved ones for summer), $49.50 each. Colored shirts, apart from being dissonant with your undertaker look, will broadcast your anxious, sweaty armpits to the world.

-Two mod-yet-somber, blunt-ended silk knit ties, one blue and one brown, $58 from Barneys.

-A well-polished, thick-soled dark brown Oxford lace-up will complete your 1960's funereal preppified drone look. Brooks Brothers' cap-toe shoes are $338, which is a bit steep, but they last forever.

-Be the first in your office to make the pen-protector hip again-i.e., make sure those shirts have a pocket to protect.

Re Catholic priests: If you find yourself in Italy this summer, check out the ecclesiastical vestment shops. They purvey the most divinely dreary Mister Rogers zippered priest sweaters-perfect for popping under that gray suit when the weather turns chilly next fall.