What Do I Expect From The Times? More Sections!

Customer Service Department

The New York Times

Dear Concerned Reader:

Thank you very much for your recent comments regarding the new, vastly expanded New York Times . As a long-time subscriber, we value your criticisms, and we are sorry to hear that either:

A) You wake up in a cold panic when The Times hits your door every morning, feeling obligated to read every word of it.

B) You start Monday morning’s paper at 8:30 a.m. and finish at 3:30 p.m. Wednesday afternoon, leaving you in a panic about how much time you now spend reading The Times .

C) You have no idea who half the people are who are writing all these first-person articles in the paper’s new sections, and wonder if you’re now wasting time reading certain parts of The Times .

D) Because you think that so many of these new sections are driven by high-ticket consumerism rather than needful content, you wonder whether you’re just not “upscale” enough to continue reading The New York Times .

Loyal reader, believe us when we say that we at The Times understand precisely how you feel.

And to help you adjust to these stressful changes, we’re starting a new section called Transitions. Among the topics it will address: How celebrities are coping with the new, vastly expanded Times . How to multitask-eat, shop, administer Botox injections-while reading The New York Times . Plus the latest trends in reading counselors, houses, furniture and fashions you can buy to facilitate your reading of the paper.

Again, we appreciate your concern. And as a way of saying grazie , here’s an exclusive sneak peak at some of the other new sections we’re planning to add to The Times :

MATTERS: What matters, what doesn’t. Do you matter? Maybe not. First-person reports from people who do matter, people who will matter, and from those faced with the life-altering realization that they don’t matter anymore. Brought to you by Deepak Chopra and the Learning Annex.

HYPE: A new subsection of our arts pages. All the latest press releases from the Oxygen network, Isaac Mizrahi and David Blaine, enhanced by The Times ‘ full-color graphic capabilities. You won’t just read about Moby’s public-relations matrix; you’ll see it presented in flow-chart form.

CYLINDERS: Cigars, private jets, personal hyperbaric chambers, insanely expensive automobiles. If it pumps, has pistons or is in any way phallic, you’ll read about it here, first.

GENERATIONS: The first novels, movies, magazines, fashion designs and political aspirations of the children of privilege. Important and timely articles, including: Condé Nast as a birthright. Andrew Cuomo’s nanosecond of doubt. How to convince people you hit a triple when you were born on third base. The Christie’s/Sotheby’s dilemma, and where to meet members of the Lucky Sperm Club.

SOLITUDE: How to be alone. What to buy, eat, drink and wear when you’re alone. How to survive when you can’t bear to be alone with the person you’ve become. Special features include: 36 hours in Greenland. The Tao of death row. Tantric onanism. All this, plus a first-person column from Mark Green.

OVITZ: What’s up with the old Mike? What’s happening with the new Mike, a.k.a. Jeff Kwatinetz, chief executive of the Firm? And can anybody please explain what the phrase “fundamental shift in the entertainment paradigm” meant in the first place? A weekly dose of Schadenfreude .

THE SPORTING LIFE: Like so many Times readers, you need help with the care and maintenance of your major-league sports franchise. Learn how to blackmail your hometown into paying for that new stadium or sports arena; increase your sky-box profitability; read all about the latest in upscale player-detox facilities.

PRO BONO: From the top of the pop charts to the front page of The Times : All Bono, all the time. The latest on his bid to eliminate Third World debt. Plus Alex Kuczynski on “Where can I get those glasses, dude?”

THIRD HOMES, PEERAGES, YACHTS AND SMALL ISLANDS: More stuff you can’t possibly afford. And the problems of owning them, if you could.

INDICATIONS: What is it about you-along with the objects and people that surround you-that communicates to the world who you are? A self-help section focusing on what to eat, what to buy, what to wear, where to live, who to marry and how to decorate your surroundings so you’ll send the right signals-not just this year, but next year, too.

ENDINGS: How to find closure in your life and deal with the things that aren’t making you happy: firing the gardener, nannies and other domestic help; ending extramarital affairs and dealing with “past-their-sell-date” husbands, personal computers, friends and grown children who won’t move out. Plus obituaries, corporate bankruptcies and divorce announcements.

PILLOW TALK: The average Times reader spends almost one-third of the year asleep. This section will focus on how to sleep, where to sleep, and who to sleep with-plus power napping, sleep deprivation, 5,000-thread-count celebrity bed sheets and how to read The Times when you are fast asleep.

HINDSIGHTS: Stuff you should have bought. Trends you shouldn’t have missed. From real estate to women’s fashion, how to avoid making the same mistake twice. Special reports from the Phoenix branch of the F.B.I. and the Catholic Archdiocese of Boston. Sponsored by the Gap.

REVELATIONS: What’s happening with God?

MORE: You want more. More money, more fame, more sex, more stuff. This is the section that tells you how to go out there and get it. Now! Today, dammit! Brought to you by Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia.

HAMPTONS: Since that very first Friday in the Garden of Eden, when Adam turned to Eve and complained that he’d “like someplace to get away from it all on the weekends,” every article ever written about the Hamptons has fallen into one of three categories: 1) It’s in. 2) It’s out. 3) It’s over the top. This section will continue to endlessly explore the seemingly infinite variations on these three themes.

NEWS: The Who, What, Where, When and Why of local, national and international events.

SECTIONS: Weekly comprehensive analysis and commentary on the increasingly profound effects of various sections of The New York Times .

We hope you’re as excited as we are about these upcoming developments at The Times . Again, thanks for your interest.

Tony Scarsdale

Section Chief

The New York Times