Eight Day Week

Wednesday 23rd

Tully ho! Well, the world is now almost definitely going to hell -but we’re trying to be brave, calmly mulling cider and mulling over the social possibilities of autumn and whether we want to take advantage of them, or just crawl under a cashmere blanket and have another “crisis” …. Halloween doesn’t happen for over a week, but some New Yorkers are a little impatient-hel- lo -so you’re getting some costume-y benefits: Actress and great dame Bette Midler has a “Hulaween” party to benefit her New York Restoration Project, which is building a boathouse on the Harlem River, where inner-city youth will be introduced to the joys of rowing …. NBC perk bomb Katie Couric is auctioning off a weekend at Mayor Bloomberg’s condo in Vail, with its bachelor white-shag carpeting (ski lessons with the frisky Mayor not included) …. Also, the headbanded Muffies and Bitsies of the New York Junior League are having a Great Gatsby celebration! “It’s basically a cocktail party,” said NYJL prez Mary Beth Tully . “Cocktails and hors d’oeuvre, four hours. People might dress up, but I doubt it. It’s not a costume party.” Well, the invitation claims that “prizes will be awarded to the best-dressed flapper and philosopher ,” so ladies, bust out your best fringe and pearls ; and fellas, don’t wash or shave for a week!

[Hulaween, Marriott Marquis, 1535 Broadway, 7 p.m., cocktails, dinner to

follow, 685-1095; Great Gatsby party, Union League Club, 38 East 37th Street, 6:30 p.m., 288-6220, ext. 273.]

Two little book parties: Many of you have put in your time at the sticky tables of KGB in the East Village, listening to a friend of a friend read , sucking back vodka and Schadenfreude and thinking, ” My cat can do better than that …. ” Tonight there’s a publication party for On the Rocks: The KGB Bar Fiction Anthology , with contributions from man-about-Brooklyn Jonathan Lethem, Mary Gaitskill (woman responsible for Secretary ) and Observer contributor Francine Prose. Open bar is from 7-8 p.m. only , so fire up the Vespa! Meanwhile, in Chelsea, Hell’s Kitchen authoress Heather Holland Wheaton celebrates Eight Million Stories in a New York Minute , a wee pamphlet of short stories that fits in your pocket. Ms. Wheaton, 39, called from her day job at a Web site that sells calendars (she also writes a column for Penthouse , under the nom de plume Haley Maxwell ) and said, “I used to work at a literary agency, and my old roommate works in publishing, and it’s hard to deal with agents and publishers-it takes up a lot of time …. I sold these books outside Balthazar over the summer during my lunch hour: I’d set up a table and throw a leopard-print cover over it, and this woman with a British accent came up and bought 10 copies of them, and someone told me it was Stella McCartney . I’m terrible with celebrities. Brad Pitt could bite me on the ass and I wouldn’t know who it was.” Save the dirty talk for Penthouse , sister-this is a family publication!

[KGB party, KGB, 85 East Fourth Street,

7 p.m., by invitation only, 674-5151,

ext. 893; Eight Million Stories party,

Serena, 222 West 23rd Street, 7 p.m.,

by invitation only, 956-4619.]

Thursday 24th

Koons-tusion! ABC anchor Peter Jennings (Canadian, “connoisseur,” suspiciously smooth and very pally-wally with the Palestinians) and CBS anchor Dan Rather (do we have a problem that we think he’s kind of sexy?) duke it out tonight over an unlikely subject, artist Jeff Koons , best known for his shiny sculptures of pigs and bunnies and the like …. Mr. Koons is the guest of honor at the Artwalk N.Y.’s gala benefiting the Coalition for the Homeless , which Mr. Jennings is chairing, but he’s also expected, along with Mr. Rather, at the underdog 25th-anniversary benefit for Studio in a School, which spreads the happy smell of glue sticks and construction paper among New York’s troubled youth.

[Artwalk N.Y. gala, Gagosian Gallery, 555 West 24th Street, 6:30 p.m., 243-7300; Studio in a School, Phillips, de Pury & Luxembourg, 450 West 15th Street, 7 p.m., 765-5900, ext. 13.]

The Vagina Epilogues? Vagina Monologue -ist Eve Ensler has settled down, but it seems big gaggles of gals are still gathering to chat and bond and rant- yay ! Downtown, Erica Jong, Catherine Texier and a bunch of other amorous and aggrieved ladies will gather to read from Anna Holmes’ book HellHathNoFury: Women’s Letters from the End of the Affair . Parker Posey was supposed to Rollerblade over, but pulled out at the last sec, so they got Saturday Night Live ‘s Amy Poehler, one of the better things about that suddenly flailing show, to

sub …. And uptown : Journalist Leora Tanenbaum , whom some of you may remember from her first book, Slut! Growing Up Female with a Bad Reputation , reads from her engrossing new book Catfight: Women and Competition (Seven Stories Press.) “Women have told me that some women see me as a woman who has it all or who can do it all because I have two children, have two books and I’m married ,” Ms. Tanenbaum said from a Howard Johnson in Berkeley, Calif. “And in many ways, I guess I appear to others that I do have it all or can do it all, but I do scramble and juggle …. The whole issue of breast feeding, it’s-” Hold it right there , honey. Not ready.

[ Hell Hath No Fury reading, Housing Works Used Book Café, 126 Crosby Street, 7 p.m., 334-3324; Catfight reading, Barnes &

Noble, Broadway & 82nd Street, 7:30 p.m., 362-8835.]

Friday 25th

More Chelsea high jinks:

Another charity hot to trot for

Halloween -the Big Brothers Big

Sisters of New York City -are having a “Monster’s Ball” fund-raiser ($75 gets you fistfuls of candy corn, dreaded costume contest); meanwhile, a different sort of monster’s ball/costume contest entirely occurs as Surface magazine, which is basically Vogue for the disaffected and deconstructed, stages an “avant-guardian” photography exhibit and reception with pallid fashion models. (Anyone else long for more episodes of Model Behavior on the Metro Channel, with its surly, not-that-pretty British mannequins tucking into “fry-ups”?) And while we’re on the subject of Chelsea, the former First Daughter’s hair-straightening, Versace-show-attending, English-boyfriend-snogging, Vogue -reading ways are making us nostalgic for Amy Carter. In fact, with Poppa Carter’s recent snagging of the Nobel Peace Prize, maybe the whole Carter family is due for a comeback, baby!

[Monster's Ball, Loft Eleven, 336 West 37th Street, 11th floor, 9 p.m., 686-2042, ext. 264; Surface party, Milk Studios, 450 West 15th Street, 9 p.m., by invitation only, 867-6777.]

Saturday 26th

But of Kors! Well, we’ve at last flung open the cedar chests, and our Precious is on an anti-moth rampage -you’ve never seen such a mad flurry of fumigating and brushing and dry-cleaning, curses and cashmere fibers flying everywhere, all done to Liza’s live Carnegie Hall CD …. For our part, we’re trying to be healthy about the damage and elbowing aside the other would-be WASP’s at the Michael Kors sample sale! (If you’re not quite sure who Mr. Kors is, think Ralph Lauren meets Isaac Mizrahi, minus the latter’s cabaret “kick.” )

[550 Seventh Avenue, seventh floor, 11 a.m., 221-1950.]

Sunday 27th

Flex your Efflexor! Clocks went back one hour early this morning and you thought, Yay, more blissful sleep !-but now it’s 5 p.m. and dark out, which many New Yorkers will use to justify their increasing unease and melancholy …. Brace for protracted Verlyn Klinkenborg “musings” on milking the cows in tomorrow’s Times .

[2 a.m. or thereabouts.]

Monday 28th

Hotels, Holm, Harlem! Even the museums want to curl up and sleep : Tonight, the super-duper but increasingly kind of weird Cooper-Hewitt (that Michelangelo thing?) throws an opening party for New Hotels for Global Nomads , an exhibit about hotels , with sort of tenuous “pop-culture” touches like that Spike Jonze video where actor Christopher Walken dances in a hotel lobby. “It’s not all the Waldorf,” said the curator, Donald Albrecht. “We wanted to get at the private things people do behind the doors of a hotel …. There’s an actual heart-shaped tub like the ones in the Poconos.” Bring your own plastic ashtrays …. Meanwhile, the Studio Museum in Harlem comes down to-where else?- Chelsea for its annual gala, and actress Celeste Holm (the one with a conscience in All About Eve ; later said not-so- nice things about her co-stars) is being honored by the Actors Fund in midtown, and our suddenly frisky big-cheese editor is polishin’ up his cufflinks ….

[Hotels, Cooper-Hewitt, 2 East 91st Street, 6 p.m., members only, opens to public

tomorrow, 849-8400; Studio Museum in Harlem, 125 West 18th Street, 7 p.m., 864-4500; Celeste Holm, 3 West Club, 3 West 51st Street, 6 p.m., 221-7300, ext. 129.]

Tuesday 29th

Let her Ripert! O.K., there are scads of celebrities over at the Creative Coalition gala at the grimy Hammerstein Ballroom ( Bob Costas and Elvis Costello … Matthew Modine and Mary Stuart Masterson ), but don’t rule out the burgeoning, burping crew of “food celebrities” at the Puck Building , where LeBernardin’s dashing French chef, Eric Ripert , is co-chairing one of those benefits with

mini-cooking stations and prowling food groupies -none of whom bother him, he informed us from his kitchen,

because he is married to a real-estate broker. And tonight? “People just party,” he said with an almost audible Gallic shrug. What are the choicest auction items? “Susan Sarandon is going to take a ride with the truck for the entire day; I’m going to cook in someone’s house with Union

Pacific’s Rocco DiSpirito.” What’s French for sandwich ? (P.S.: M. Ripert is consulting on a restaurant with an Asian concept, called Geisha, that’s supposed to open opposite Aureole in December.)

[Creative Coalition Gala, Hammerstein Ballroom, 311 West 34th Street, 7 p.m., 614-2121; City Harvest, Puck Building, Grand Ballroom, 295 Lafayette Street, 6 p.m., 917-351-8700, ext. 178.]

Wednesday 30th

Film wonks plunk their plump buttocks into creaky seats as Vanity Fair contributing editor James Wolcott joins some smaller-potatoes critics to discuss Afterglow: A Last Conversation with Pauline Kael , a book about the late, much-imitated and agreeably crotchety New Yorker film critic by National Arts Journalism Program alum Francis Davis. And when you’re motivated enough for a panel discussion, you know you’re not just wrapping yourself in autumn, you’re really rolling around in it ….

[Columbia University Graduate School of Journalism, Lecture Hall, 116th and Broadway, 6:30 p.m., 854-6842.]