I Have Aguilera Agita! Fall Back on Classics

In the early 1990′s, you gave birth to a gorgeous little girl. During those late-night breast-feeding sessions, you passed the time fantasizing about the perfect, misty baby’s-breath childhood that you would craft for your newborn: her first daisy chain; collecting butterflies in a Bonpoint floral smock with a Peter Pan collar; introducing her to your favorite childhood books, Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm and Black Beauty .

How could you have possibly known that, by the time she was 10, Mommy’s little angel would be strutting around like a pole dancer from Bada Bing!?

Yes! Instead of jumping rope to “Mabel, Mabel, set the table, just as fast as you are able,” your precious daughter is now practicing her lap-dance butt jiggle, in perfect mimicry of her idol, Christina Aguilera.

Ms. Aguilera’s performance in the scandalous new David LaChapelle–directed video for her song “Dirrty” ( sic )-from Stripped , her new CD, to be released on Oct. 29-is a world-class example of contemporary, slutty hoochie-dancing, made all the more shocking when you remember that her audience is primarily made up of 9-12 year-olds, which savvy marketers are now calling “tweens.”

During the course of this sweaty, orgiastic visual onslaught, Miss Aguilera-who suggestively wears kneepads throughout-acts as if she’s having some kind of frenzied, erotic apoplexy. RCA press materials laud her efforts to reach out “for something more real,” but her video gives the impression that all she really wants to do is wiggle and diddle and jiggle until she out-hoochies the currently reclusive Britney Spears.

I have no idea what kind of impact these feverishly eroticized displays are having on Ms. Aguilera’s young fan base. One thing I can say for sure: She really has screwed things up for the stripper community. By teaching all these nasty-girl moves to her tweeny fans, Ms. Aguilera has thrown a major butt-plug at the hard-working girls whose livelihood hinges on the erotic resonance of their body language. These “industry” professionals have had-via Ms. Aguilera and her ilk-their entire choreographic repertoire hijacked by little girls.

Now that all their routines have been appropriated by these pre-Lolitas, the pressure is on for the strippers of America to come up with a whole new vocabulary of kinky choreography. All bets are off on where they might seek inspiration: Martha Graham à go-go? Erotic Riverdancing?

Re sex and fashion: Grab your kneepads, girls, because sleaze is the big message for spring. By February-if the blinkered, terminally groovy designers in Europe have their way-you ladies will all be sporting Taliban-defying, crotch-length dresses. My advice: Load up on clothes from this season and just skip spring. Don’t worry about shvitzing : This season’s garments are constructed from the lightweight wools and mohairs which we in the industry call “transitional” fabrics, and all of them are great ! Yes, fall 2002 will go down in history as an unforgettable season for real clothes. Why? The merch that’s currently hanging in the stores was all conceived in the shadow of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks. With their feet, for once, plonked squarely on the ground, all the designers spewed out glorious classic drag-much of which is fiercely sexy in its own quiet way, especially the skirts. Prada’s twill gabardine pencil-skirt ($650 at Prada) and Balenciaga’s black wool mini with flounce hem ($575 at Barneys) are the best. Wear under Behnaz Sarafpour’s subtly kinky, ivory muslin, belted, double-breasted trench ($1,265). Also titillatingly restrained is Alexander McQueen’s black wool gabardine side-button pant ($755 at the new McQueen store in the meat-packing district, next to Jeffrey at 417 West 14th).

For more information about spring 2003 looks, check out the meat-market hos after shopping at Alexander McQueen.

P.S.: If you have any suggestions about where New York’s strippers might seek inspiration as they struggle to create a new choreographic vocabulary, please e-mail them to me at sdoonan@observer.com. I will be only too happy to forward them to the individuals concerned.