The Eight-Day Week

Wednesday 1st

Fizzzz … Welcome to 2003, suckas! Still waiting for 2002 to kick in, ain’t ya? Stay in bed for a few more days; trust us, Klonopin is your friend. Meanwhile, can anyone tell us why New York City is hosting a boat show ? Who do you know in N.Y.C. who owns a boat-much less a car? Anyhoo , despite the incredible sinking economy, show manager Michael Duffy believes boats still float as a worthy investment. “You’re not plunking down 500 grand for a one-time vacation to Disneyland,” he said. “This is a permanent vacation in your backyard.” … Sir, what is this backyard of which you speak? The boats and such will be at the Javits Center; don’t miss Twiggy the water-skiing squirrel, who will be wearing miniature skis and towed around by a remote-controlled boat. (We told you to stay in bed, didn’t we?) The only other folks up and about today are, naturally, gambling addicts: trot on down to Aqueduct for the 82nd annual Interborough Handicap , where 12 pretty ponies will compete for a $75,000 prize by running six furlongs (whatever that means). We’re placing our money on a horse named “Boozin’ Susan.” Meanwhile, your boyfriend wakes up at 5 p.m. to watch the Rose Bowl while you quietly check your online personal ad for new responses.

[New York National Boat Show, Jacob K. Javits Convention Center, 12 p.m., 542-1700; the Interborough Handicap, Aqueduct Race Track, 110-00 Rockaway Boulevard, Jamaica, N.Y., some are saying 12:30, others 3:45 p.m.-obviously they started drinking early-718-641-4700; Rose Bowl Game, your sagging couch, 4:30 p.m., WABC 7.]

Thursday 2nd

January is a sleepy little month after the utter humiliation of December , and the perfect month to pad around art museums …. Today at the Met: Before they were harboring Islamic terrorists in the ‘burbs and cloning kids from space monkeys, the Parisians taught a mean art class, and The School of Paris exhibit is like Cliffs Notes for art, displaying over 40 works by all the biggies- Braque, Léger, Matisse, Miró, Picasso et al. Speaking of, French princess Charlotte de Broglie looked seeeemply magnifique last weekend at the Waldorf’s recession-proof International Debutante Ball , although the crowd favorite was the Earl of Glasgow’s daughter, Lady Alice Boyle, with her very own bagpiping escort.

[Jacques and Natasha Gelman Galleries: The School of Paris , Metropolitan Museum of Art, 1000 Fifth Avenue at 82nd Street, 9:30 a.m., 535-7710.]

Friday 3rd

The only thing worse than one-woman shows are one-man shows …. But this crazy town is packed with ‘em! Take David Rodwin’s one-man show, TRIPPIN ‘ – please ! Just kidding, Dave! The show chronicles one man’s drive from Los Angeles to New York and the “kooky types” he meets along the way. “It’s actually a pretty wild ‘shroomtrip,” said Mr. Rodwin. “At onepoint,I’m withawoman who visits a spiritual adviser, who takes her down into the underworld and turns her into a shaman. The entire piece is a journey, and there are a lot of smaller journeys within the piece.” So it’s performance art? “Performance art has such negative connotations,” he said. “You look at it and think, ‘ Anyone could do that!’ I could shoot myself in the arm and call it art-people have done stuff like that!” Well, those were the visionaries.

[La MaMa Experimental Theatre Club, 74A East Fourth Street, between Second Avenue and the Bowery, 10 p.m., 475-7710.]

Saturday 4th

Remember that photo of Whoopi Goldberg in the bathtub of milk, the one which made us forego dairy for a month? And the Vanity Fair cover of a naked, pregnant Demi Moore, which did a lot more for her career than G.I. Jane ? See ‘em again at Annie Leibovitz’s Rewarding Lives exhibit way downtown ….

Later, hop on your Vespa and chug-chug-chug to Suite 16 , which lost its social heat last year but still seems to draw Britney Spears whenever the pop princess is in town …. Will she and Justin have another”dance-off”? And what’s the current betting on how long before J. Lo tosses Ben Affleck back into Pearl Harbor?

[Rewarding Lives Exhibit and Charity Auction, the American Express Tower in the World Financial Center, 200 Vesey Street, 10:30 a.m., 640-2000; Suite 16, 127 Eighth Avenue at 16th Street, 627-1680.]

Sunday 5th

Choo-choos and coochie-snorchers: What would Dad enjoy more : lots of wee trains going round and round, or lots of long gams going up and down? Train buffs gather at the Holiday Train Show at the New York Botanical Garden , where mini choo-choos will wind past replicas of New York structures made entirely of plant parts -new pieces include Central Park’s Belvedere Castle and the New York Stock Exchange. Watch for exhibit creator and landscape architect Paul Busse wearing his signature tape-measure suspenders …. Meanwhile, today is the last day to see the Rockettes perform The Radio City Christmas Spectacular . We can’t decide if women voluntarily stuffing themselves into reindeer outfits demeans our gender, or if we’re just feeling uppity because our legs aren’t 40 inches long.

[Train Show, New York Botanical Garden, 200th Street and Kazimiroff Boulevard, the Bronx, 10 a.m., 718-817-8700; Radio City Christmas Spectacular , Radio City Music Hall, 1260 Avenue of the Americas, 11 a.m., 2 p.m., 5 p.m., 307-1000.]

Monday 6th

It’s still too early in the year to laugh, but that won’t stop Jessica Kirson, a comedian who’s headlining at Dangerfield’s tonight. She called us from her Upper West Side apartment while her Chihuahua Pomeranian yapped in the background. “His name is-you’re gonna laugh-‘Puppy,'” she said. “Can you tell that I’m lazy?” (We assume her children won’t be named “Children.”) What was it like the first time she was heckled? “I’ll never forget it,” she said, “because I was just starting out, so I was bedridden afterwards. I was doing comedy in a restaurant, and the crowd was great, but the owner was shouting things out like ‘You suck!’ for a good 20 minutes. Then, after I got offstage, he shook my hand, put a dollar down my shirt, said, ‘Great job, honey,’ and squeezed my ass.” These days, Ms. Kirson is better prepared for her critics. “If the heckler’s a guy, I’ll usually say, ‘Listen, I know you have a very small penis, but it’s not my fault-it’s your mother’s. So go yell at her instead.’ That’s the one thing you can say to a guy that’ll always shut him up.” Strange celebrity connection: Stepbrother is Zach Braff of Scrubs , NBC’s answer to its own ER . Also tonight , it’s a book club for those who can’t wait for dinner: Cheryl Perry, chef/owner of the restaurant Dish , presents “Upstairs at Dish,” a monthly cookbook club that’s a sort of Emeril-Oprah fusion. For four hours, the class discusses a book and then learns how to prepare an accompanying feast. “We kind of let the book inspire the meal,” Ms. Perry said. Bonus excerpt from this month’s book, Sandra Cisneros’ Woman Hollering Creek and Other Stories : ” Your eyes are beautiful, you said …. And after you left, I wanted to scoop them out with a spoon, place them on a plate under these blue blue skies, food for the blackbirds . ” Ummm, think we’ll just order Chinese.

[Dangerfield’s, 1118 First Avenue at 61st Street, 8:45 p.m., $12.50, 593-1650; Upstairs at Dish, 165 Allen Street between Rivington and Stanton streets, $85 including food, 6 p.m., 253-8840.]

Tuesday 7th

We’ve spent two weeks returning all of our presents -or rather, regifting them-and now we’re going to go get what we really want. Maybe at the Barneys warehouse sale -throw out those ridiculous newsboy caps you’ve been wearing, girlfriends, because they’ve gone the way of, well, newsboys. You can also blow some of Daddy’s cash at Morgane Le Fay’s fall/winter sale- silk dresses and pantsuits are at least 40 percent off , just the thing for the January galas we’re going to be crashing …. Can anyone tell us what New York was like before every other person was getting a massage every week? It must have been very, very tense! Today, you can plunge into a three-hour “Total Tranquility” package at Carapan -you know the drill: aromatherapy massage, sauna and face treatment. We asked Carapan masseuse Amanda Brand if anything “exciting” ever happened when she was at work on a client. “Unfortunately, no,” she sighed, “just a lot of snoring. It’s funny, though! Clients think that they insult us if they fall asleep during the massages, but I find it to be the highest compliment!” Do boyfriends ever request freebies? “They want it all the time. It becomes a problem. They get greedy!” By the way, you know that trend of making a tag-team spa visit with your significant other or best gal pal? Time to let those go, folks; they’re skeevy . Speaking of personal beauty, will Nicole Kidman’s Oscar-worthy faux nose in The Hours reverse the trend of well-heeled teen girls going in for some rhinoplasty over the holiday break? Aaa- choo !

[Barneys New York, 660 Madison Avenue at 61st Street, 10 a.m., 826-8900; Morgane Le Fay, 746 Madison Ave between 64th and 65th streets, 879-9700; Carapan Urban Spa & Store, 5 West 16th Street between Fifth and Sixth avenues, 633-6220; The Hours , 777-FILM.]

Wednesday 8th

Grown-ups are back! O.K., the kids had their Christmas, you’re broke and bleary-eyed -now it’s your turn to haul yourself into Lincoln Center for some slooow but just swell theater, as George S. Kaufman and Edna Ferber’s Dinner at Eight is served. Christine Ebersole and Emily Skinner star in this revival , and even if it stinks, it’ll feel like pure gold after the last month of cloying Christmas movies.

[ Dinner at Eight , Lincoln Center’s Vivian Beaumont Theater, 150 West 65th St., 8 p.m., 239-6200.]