Eight Day Week

Wednesday 23rd

Will the almost-Ivy Lolitas of Barnard College meet their match in the glossy-lipped gamines of Glamour magazine? Will young women who stay up late scrutinizing Thomas Hardy’s use of pathetic fallacy embrace the Blahnik-shod gals of Glamour as role models who prove that all the toil in college will one day be worth it? You bet your sweet ass they will! Today, a fleet of Condé Nast town cars heads to the Barnard campus in Morningside Heights as Glamour celebrates its May “body confidence” issue ( “Are we loving our bodies yet?” asks one headline) by hosting a panel at Barnard with Glamour editor in chief Cindi Leive, CBS News’ Jane Clayson and actress Michael Michele. The ladies will be lecturing on body image to the college coeds, many of whom are surely struggling with “the freshman 15″ (that extra weight college frosh acquire from a diet of beer and pizza from Koronet)-though a cynic might suggest that the real purpose of the event is to get the Barnard lassies hooked on Glamour and its own impossible ideals of female body image …. Speaking of stylized self-loathing, Woody Allen is trying his hand at directing a stage play, as Writer’s Block opens tonight starring Paul Reiser, Bebe Neuwirth and Jay Thomas . If you’ve been wondering how the Wood Man’s favorite watering hole, Elaine’s , is faring now that the smokers have been sent to the curb, find out tonight when literati types toast The Room-Mating Season , Rona Jaffe’s 15th novel, this one about four women cohabiting in a tiny New York apartment in 1963. Has Ms. Jaffe ever had a roommate? ” Eeccch ! Only in the Hamptons, when I was young,” she said. “It was awful! I live on my own now, so the only problem is, the traffic is so bad. So bad! I take the Jitney, which I don’t mind except for the cell phones. Eeeecchhh ! People will just bellow into their cell phones! I want to punch them!” How about tonight’s party? ” Three hundred balloons! A friend of mine does that kind of thing, and when he heard about the party, he said, ‘You should have balloons!’ Some of them say ‘Hands off my food and my boyfriend,’ and some of them say ‘I hate my roommate’ or ‘I love my roommate.’ People can take home whichever one they feel is appropriate.”

[Body-image panel discussion, Brooks Living Room, Barnard College, 3009 Broadway at West 117th Street, 6 p.m., 212-286-4715; Writer's Block , the Atlantic Theater Company, 336 West 20th Street between Eighth and Ninth avenues, 8 p.m., 212-239-6200; Elaine's, 1703 Second Avenue between 88th and 89th streets, 6 p.m., 212-645-6900, ext. 114.]

Thursday 24th

In other cities, a “Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work” day would probably be sweet and fun-but in New York’s cauldron of ambition, it’s a day of fear for many, as the boss’ “cute” little Brearley-bound tyke bounces around the office and threatens to tell “Mommy” or “Daddy” that you’re “not up to snuff …. ” Meanwhile , catch another glimpse of the kid whose daddy really took him to work- President George W. Bush appears as “The Lovable Goofball” in a rerun of Journeys with George , Alexandra Pelosi’s documentary of the Presidential campaign, at the Museum of Television & Radio. The film has acquired new shades of meaning after the Iraq war. Watch for the scene with Dubya bowling oranges down the aisle of his campaign plane …. Nutty !

[ Journeys with George , the Museum of Television & Radio, 25 West 52nd Street, 6:30 p.m., 212-621-6800.]

Friday 25th

Dinner with the de la Rentas in the Dominican Republic? One of tonight’s lucky ticketholders at the Metropolitan Opera Guild bash in honor of tenor Franco Corelli (the Cary Grant of opera back in the day) will win a seat at said dinner, along with a five-night hotel stay in the Dominican Republic. Also dining with you under the tropical sky will be Mr. and Mrs. Julio Iglesias. Over crab cakes, ask Oscar why designers are peddling those dumb lace-up-your-calf sandals that no normal person can wear because the straps fall down the second you take a step. And if you want a drink thrown in your face, ask him when exactly in his illustrious career he acquired the “de la.” … If all this sounds too “racy,” step back in time at the Manhattan Vintage Clothing Show and lace up the footwear exhibit, featuring three centuries of sandals, boots, high heels, sneakers and wedgies (that’s the shoes, not the punishment to which you were subjected in the Andover locker room after gym class).

[Metropolitan Opera Guild luncheon, Grand Ballroom, Waldorf-Astoria Hotel, 301 Park Avenue, 12:15 p.m., 212-769-7014; Manhattan Vintage Clothing Show, Metropolitan Pavilion, 125 West 18th Street between Sixth and Seventh avenues, 1 p.m., 518-434-4312.]

Saturday 26th

Calling all swingers! Not that overrated dance craze co-opted by the Gap to sell khakis in the 90′s, and not the critically underrated cult classic Vince Vaughn/Jon Favreau film , and not the cheesy R-rated pastime that we’re not going to bother to explain-we’re talking about trapeze lessons , which are rumored to have a devoted following among models trying to get in shape and women trying to emasculate their boyfriends ( New York Times deputy style editor Ilene Rosenzweig and her fiancé, Cad author Rick Marin , did it, but don’t let that stop you … ). “The largest percentage of our clientele is females from ages 15 to 30,” said Jonathon Conant, president of Trapeze School New York. “Women don’t mind looking awkward on their way to looking elegant, while men can’t allow themselves to look silly-especially if they’re taking orders while looking silly.” The school’s 2003 season opens today in Hudson River Park over on the West Side Highway. What to expect? “Their first turn on the trapeze, some people scream ‘ Shit! ‘ or ‘Ohmigod!’ But many people elicit reactions from their body that have nothing to do with what’s going on. This one woman screamed out ‘Pinocchio! ‘ as she flew through the air-I think she was going for ‘Geronimo.’” Meanwhile, if you’re hearing foghorns , it must be time for A Long Day’s Journey into Night, Eugene O’Neill’s knee-slapper of a family comedy, which debuts tonight with the all-star cast of Brian Dennehy, Vanessa Redgrave, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Robert Sean Leonard. And if you thought people have eased back on big meals in this town, think again: Truffle master Alain Ducasse serves dinner for the James Beard Awards at Alain Ducasse at the Essex House. You better have a grand time, because that’s how much it’ll cost you for a ticket. Burp!

[Trapeze School New York, Hudson River Park, West Street between Piers 34 and 26, call 917-797-1872 or visit http://www.trapezeschool.com for a class schedule; Long Day's Journey into Night , Plymouth Theatre, 236 West 45th Street, 7 p.m., 212-239-6200; James Beard benefit, Alain Ducasse at the Essex House, 155 West 58th Street, 7 p.m., 212-627-1111, ext. 307.]

Sunday 27th

People who’ve spent their lives wisely amassing a bundle so they never have to wait in a cafeteria line again put pride aside, grab a tray and make a dash through the kitchen of the Four Seasons tonight at the annual Through the Kitchen Dinner, with proceeds benefiting the Irvington Institute for Immunological Research. Whom you’ll bump trays with: the Mayor (as in Bloomberg), a goodly assortment of Ruttenbergs and Zinterhofers-and Deborah Norville . And that’s not the only kitchen that’s cookin’ tonight: vroom over to Daniel, where tireless chef Daniel Boulud is throwing a benefit for Citymeals-on-Wheels, the goodly folk who deliver food to housebound elderly New Yorkers.

[Through the Kitchen Dinner, the Four Seasons restaurant, 99 East 52nd Street at Park Avenue, 7 p.m., 212-576-1005; Savoring Citymeals gala benefit, Daniel, 60 East 65th Street, 6 p.m., 212-687-1290.]

Monday 28th

Libby Pataki braves Manhattan- despite the fact that her husband is screwing New York City out of badly needed funds -as she accepts the Humanitarian Award from the American Cancer Society at the Pierre Hotel tonight before 350 guests, including Paula Zahn, Charlotte Ford, Kathie and Frank Gifford, and Lally Weymouth . Now what’s that we hear: thwock! thwock! thwock! Yep, May is USA Tennis Month, and today U.S. Davis Cup captain Patrick (brother of John) McEnroe and television “personality” Daisy Fuentes -who’s taken her 15 minutes and stretched it like a Bikram yoga instructor-tell you so at the Rockefeller Center rink. Other racqueteers who will be on hand include Andy Roddick, Jim Courier, James Blake, Alexandra Stevenson and Zina Garrison …. For more sweaty grips, join Vogue editor Anna Wintour, actress Nicole Kidman and designer Tom Ford as they chair the Met’s Costume Institute Benefit Dance and trade volleys with Renée Zellweger (who, face it, looked better chubby) , Vanity Fair pasha Graydon Carter and Madonna , who’s acquiring a kind of faded, Quentin Crisp–like glamour these days ….

[USA Tennis Month launch, Rockefeller Center skating rink, 30 Rockefeller Plaza, 11 a.m. to 2 p.m., 212-704-8160; Met Costume Institute Benefit Dance, 1000 Fifth Avenue, 10 p.m. to 1 a.m., 212-570-3948; American Cancer Society Annual Spring Gala, the Pierre Hotel, 2 East 61st Street at Fifth Avenue, 7 p.m., 800-ACS-2345.]

Tuesday 29th

“People need to lighten up,” said Bill Maher, who makes his Broadway debut at the Virginia Theater tonight, when we asked him about the Iraq war. “It’s just as George W. Bush was saying during his campaign-everyone’s playing the ‘gotcha game.’ It’s not about what really upsets people these days, but what people pretend to be outraged about. It’s what I call ‘fake outrage,’ and one of the things that gives me real outrage. I mean, the Dixie Chicks? Come on ! Yeah, the Dixie Chicks are Islamic fundamentalists! Just lump ‘em together with Al Qaeda! Can everyone just cool down, please? I was watching a DVD of the Beatles anthology the other day, and was reminded of when John Lennon said that the Beatles were more popular than Jesus Christ. Then it was taken out of context and blown out of proportion by a bunch of rednecks that didn’t like the Beatles anyway. He wasn’t putting Jesus down! It was the exact opposite: He was making a comment on our times and saying that they shouldn’t have been more popular than Jesus.” Does he think he’s going to hell for giving Ann Coulter’s career a boost? “I’m going to hell anyway! But I’m sure that when I get there, we’ll share a smoke.” Just make sure you do it outside, honey. When the smoke clears, Paula Zahn dusts off last night’s gown and zips herself in to host City Harvest’s Practical Magic Ball. Five hundred dollars buys you the company of 600 socialites with a glam topping: Susan Sarandon, Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart (looking like one of the hungry New Yorkers they’re raising money for tonight).

[Practical Magic Ball, the Pierre, 2 East 61st Street at Fifth Avenue, 6:45 p.m., 212-874-5457; Bill Maher: Victory Begins at Home , Virginia Theatre, 245 West 52nd Street, 8 p.m., 212-239-6200.]

Wednesday 30th

Y tu mamá, también! Do you ever get the feeling that lots of New York women decided to have a baby because, well, their careers bored them and their husbands got fat? Still, they deserve a big round of applause! Today, the National Mother’s Day Committee gives shout-outs to all the mamas at their annual Outstanding Mother Awards. Winning moms include raspy-voiced actress Kathleen Turner, Sex and the City pixie Cynthia Nixon, model (and Mrs. David Bowie) Iman and cerulean-eyed beauty Carolyn Murphy, who famously knocked fellow mama Liz Hurley off her Estée Lauder pedestal back in 2001. For those who might soon be mamas, it’s Bras 101 over at Henri Bendel, where Agent Provocateur founder Serena Rees instructs brides-to-be on how to best show off their Henri Bendels in a “Lessons in Lingerie” workshop. Lesson No. 1: If he wants you to wear it, he better pay for it.

[Outstanding Mother Awards, New York Marriott Marquis, Westside Ballroom, fifth floor, 1535 Broadway between 45th and 46th streets, noon, by invitation only; Bridal Workshop, Henri Bendel, 712 Fifth Avenue between 55th and 56th streets, 6:30 p.m. to 8:30 p.m., 800-HBENDEL.]