Eight Day Week

Wednesday 30th

T.S. Eliot’s cruelest month is 24 hours away from being done (someone should have asked Viv what her cruelest month was; her likely answer: ” All of ‘em, Swampy!”) which means summer will be in your lap before you’ve finished your next iced latte . Tonight, Chevy Chase breaks out his big ladies’ sunglasses to host an Apple Care’s Gala at Cipriani 42nd Street, with proceeds going to the Apple Care Foundation (increases public support of health-care issues). The equally shaded Richard Belzer will be there, along with Ivana Trump (new millennium version) and former Governor Hugh Carey. Watch as Chevy silently gauges whether he can get away with working “blue” with this crowd ….

[Apple Care’s Gala, Cipriani 42nd Street, 110 East 42nd Street, 7 p.m., by invitation only, 212-672-0509.]

Thursday 1st

You have Roy Lichtenstein on the roof? For gosh sakes, get him down! The Pop artist’s brightly painted sculptures and house (which, at 17 feet wide, is still larger than most of our apartments) are exhibited in the open air atop the Metropolitan Museum of Art today-another sign that summer is barking up your backside like a rogue thong …. If you’re more of a winter person , throw on something funereal (think Belgian designers like Martin Margiela, Ann Demeulemeester, Dries van Noten ) and pay your respects today at the unveiling of Alix Strauss’ new book of short fiction, The Joy of Funerals , at the Upper East Side’s plush Frank E. Campbell Funeral Home. We’re told Winona Ryder -wearing something she paid for-may show up and read, as well as indie-flick queen Parker Posey . We called Ms. Strauss at her Upper East Side digs. “One of the stories is about this woman whose husband dies, so she starts visiting cemeteries, finds these random men and [expletive deleted] ‘em. She just [expletive deleted] ‘em, pretty much. Eventually, she ends up [expletive deleted] this guy on top of her husband’s grave and that’s when you realize she’s done. Catherine Keener could definitely play her.” Or maybe Tara Reid. Speaking of fashion, is there anything more distressing than seeing a dog wearing a designer that you can’t afford? Today, folks like Presidential niece, model and Princeton undergrad Lauren Bush , squiggly actor Alan Cumming and Harvey daughter Stella Keitel taxi down the runway with their dogs in matching Vivienne Tam, Kate Spade, Christian Dior and Coach. Proceeds benefit the Humane Society of New York. Dress code for humans is “canine chic.” And your little dog, too!

[Roy Lichtenstein exhibit, the Iris and B. Gerald Cantor Roof Garden, the Metropolitan Museum of Art, 1000 Fifth Avenue at 82nd Street, 212-535-7710; The Joy of Funerals , the Frank E. Campbell Funeral Chapel,

1076 Madison Avenue at 81st Street, 7 p.m., 212-367-9475; Paws for Style, Eugene,

27 West 24th Street, 7 p.m., 212-752-4842.]

Friday 2nd

America’s sweetheart, Olympic gold medalist Sarah Hughes, blows out 18 flamin’ candles today, meaning the young swains of Harvard can now pursue her legally, should she decide to enroll this fall. (She got in under early acceptance.) But she’s still waiting to hear from Yale, Princeton and Columbia – talk about a triple axel ! (Sorry.) If you dig ballet (ice skating on land, with a little more eating disorder and a little less excitement,because there’s no secretlyhoping someone eats it during their sit spin), the New York City Ballet is doing Swan Lake over at the New York State Theater. Take your bestest girl friend , since any respectable boyfriend finds ballet duller than Britney’s new brown hair. And if yours doesn’t, then maybe it’s time to reevaluate things ….

[New York City Ballet, New York State Theater, 20 Lincoln Center, 8 p.m., 212-870-5570.]

Saturday 3rd

Tribeca continues to “rebound” – though the post-9/11 economic damage sustained by a neighborhood of multimillion-dollar loft dwellings may yet prove to have been a wee bit, ahem, exaggerated -today as the Tribeca Film Festival rolls in, under the guidance of Robert De Niro and Jane Rosenthal, the she-poobah of Tribeca Films. Today, you can get a “behind the scenes” look at that Lizzie McGuire movie -which, frankly, we really don’t want to see even in front of the scenes …. Meanwhile , why pay to see the stars when you can chuck popcorn at them for free? Squinty Renée Zellweger double-knots her shoelaces for the five-kilometer Revlon Run/Walk for Women to raise money for cancer research. Ms. Renée (who originally put her foot down on getting chunkified for a Bridget Jones sequel, but changed her mind after failing to chase down Oscar in March) will be huffing and puffing alongside Oscar winner ( uh-oh ) Jennifer Connelly, Diane Sawyer and Revlon spokesbeauty Karen Duffy. If mornings “agree with you,” check-in starts at 7 a.m. in Times Square. Or stake out the finish line in the East Meadow, and snap a photo of Renée sans makeup for Us Weekly ‘s “Celebrities-They’re Just Like Us!” page.

[Tribeca Film Festival, various locations and times around town, 1-866-941-FEST, http://www.tribecafilmfestival.org; New York Revlon Run/Walk for Women, Times Square, 9:15 a.m., 212-379-3199,

http://www.revlonrunwalk.com.

Sunday 4th

The subway (un)fare hike kicks in today, so search for spare change under your slipcovered Ikea couch cushions and then please swipe again for the uptown No. 1 train so you can hear Gore Vidal wax on about post-9/11 U.S. foreign policy, much to his own pleasure. No quarters ? No problem -you can watch it on C-Span 2 next weekend …. Speaking of things getting lost on couches, take your prom dress to the Jewish Community Center today, where they’re collecting formal gowns and non-heinous bridesmaid dresses (all three of them) for underprivileged New York teens. The frocks should be new or “gently used.” Now why does that sound so dirty?

[New York Society for Ethical Culture, 2 West 64th Street at Central Park West, 7 p.m.,

866-468-7619; J.C.C. Works Day 2003, J.C.C. Manhattan, 334 Amsterdam Avenue at 76th Street, 646-505-4455.]

Monday 5th

The anti-French crowd gets a boost today as Mexico’s 1862 defeat of France at the Battle of Puebla is celebrated on Cinco de Mayo …. Do your part by stuffing yourself full of rabbit enchiladas with red chili mole at the James Beard Foundation Awards, the Oscars of the restaurant industry (except that the winners actually eat). Nosh on marinated crab cakes, suckling pig and mini Key lime cheesecakes while Rocco DiSpirito (Union Pacific), Alex Lee (Daniel), Marcus Samuelsson (Aquavit), Odette Fada (San Domenico N.Y.) and David Pasternack (Esca) get into a toque-tussle for the title of Best Chef in New York City. Meanwhile, back in the world of un-eaters, editorial assistants from Ed2010 drag their feminist boyfriends (men-imists ) over to the City Center, where Erica Jong is signing her latest tome, Sappho’s Leap . To celebrate the 30th anniversary of Fear of Flying , there will be a staged reading of that naughty book. We gave Ms. Jong a ring to find out if she regrets the day she ever wrote the words “zipless f*ck.” “Ugh! I used to think that they’d put it on my tombstone! I certainly went through a period where I wished I’d never written the phrase. Now I think it’s pretty amazing to have coined a phrase and personally fed something into the English language that people remember.” Is she still afraid of flying? “I’m only afraid of George W. Bush. I’m afraid of Republicans blowing up the world . I used to be afraid of flying but, funnily enough, Fear of Flying has gotten me over my fear of flying by having me travel over the world to promote my books!” Another sexy “mature” woman who’s not wild about Georgie, Susan Sarandon, is saluted 10 blocks north at Lincoln Center, complete with selected highlights from Thelma and Louise , that pseudo-feminist 1991 film which equated women’s lib with death by suggesting that the only option available to women these days is flooring it over the Grand Canyon …. Far more empowering was the scene in Atlantic City when Ms. Sarandon squeezes lemons over her body …. Either way, she’s got Hollywood turning out in big numbers tonight, with attendees including Robert Altman , Cher, Julia Roberts, Ridley Scott, Sam Shepard, James Spader, Reese Witherspoon, Lily Tomlin, Catherine Deneuve, Jeff Goldblum, Ed Harris, Kevin Kline, Paul Newman and Brad Pitt -last seen at the Emmys looking like the creature from Harry and the Hendersons ….

[James Beard Foundation Awards, New York Marriott Marquis, 5:30 p.m., 212-367-9490; Fear of Flying at 30, Manhattan Theatre Club, City Center, 131 West 55th Street,

8 p.m., 212-399-3030; Susan Sarandon gala tribute, Avery Fisher Hall, Lincoln Center,

7 p.m., 212-875-5208.]

Tuesday 6th

The last place we worked threw a party in our honor-but it was right after we left, and we weren’t invited. Tonight, Café Carlyle throws a basheroo for cabaret tweeter Bobby Short , their employee of the month for the last 35 years. Black tie is “optional,” meaning the inevitable appearance of satin cargo pants paired with stilettos , the utterly baffling trend that designers are trying to peddle as glamorous. Renée Zellweger and (thump- thump, thump- thump ) Ewan McGregor’s latest film, Down with Lov e , is premiering tonight at the Tribeca Film Festival , meaning that what we’d hoped would be more of an indie-alterna thing promises to be a moist, sticky media thing to which we have not been invited. ( Hell- o ? Tap, tap, tap …. Is this thing on? ) It’s another update of the Doris Day/Rock Hudson movies of yesteryear (see Far From Heaven ), with a supersaturated color palette that’s supposed to mimic the days of Technicolor , although it may just end up looking like it was shot in Miami . Revving back to the present , dirty girl Christina Aguilera (supposedly not pregnant, despite recent bulge) attends a gala luncheon today for Safe Horizon, an anti-domestic-violence charity. She’ll be breaking carrot sticks with Bette Midler, Christine Baranski, Stephanie March, Dominick Dunne, Jessica Seinfeld and Chris Rock’s wifey, Malaak Compton-Rock, among other notables and notaries. The multi-pierced moppet might skip dessert and head over to West 53rd Street for a lecture on the evolution of the corset and how it’s worked its way into everyday fashion ( Vivienne Westwood, Dolce & Gabbana, etc. ) “The corset isn’t making a comeback,” said Valerie Steele , chief curator of the museum at the Fashion Institute of Technology. “Women simply internalized the corset through diet and exercise and plastic surgery . Women began sculpting their bodies from within, rather than relying on whalebone and steel to mush the fat around.” Heck, if all we need is some whalebone and steel, pass the Ben & Jerry’s!

[The Brilliance of Bobby, Café Carlyle, Madison Avenue at 76th Street, 7 p.m.,

212-861-4031; Down With Love premiere, Tribeca Performing Arts Center, 199 Chambers Street, 7:30 p.m., 866-941-FEST;

Safe Horizon Champion Awards Luncheon,

Waldorf-Astoria, 301 Park Avenue, 11 a.m.,

212-577-5095; the Corset, the Metropolitan Chapter of the Victorian Society in America, Donnell Library Auditorium, 20 West 53rd Street, 212-886-3742]

Wednesday 7th

Will Art Cooper go home happy? GQ’s outgoing editor ( used to be chunky; got skinny; announced somewhat abruptly that he’ll be leaving GQ after 20 years at the helm) and several hundred of his brethren and sistren pack themselves around elegant tables at the Waldorf-Astoria for the boozy-and-floozy National Magazine Awards lunch. Nominees are led by David Remnick’s New Yorker (nine nominations), with respectable showings by The Atlantic (seven), Harper’s and Vanity Fair (five each). Throw a curried egg at the first twit to utter the word “blog.”

[National Magazine Awards, Waldorf-Astoria Hotel, 301 Park Avenue, 11:30 a.m., by invitation only, 212-872-3737.]