Eight Day Week

Wednesday 7th

Cruz sans Cruise: Penélope Cruz, who’s been on the back of the Hollywood milk carton since Vanilla Sky , does a Tom-less meet-and-greet at Bloomingdale’s today. The Ralph Lauren muse will tout the designer’s new perfume, Glamorous Daylight, and then flounce off to the Four Seasons for a private cocktail party, at which she again and again reminds google-eyed males that it wa s Salma Hayek whose breasts got their own award at the Oscars.

[Bloomingdale's, balcony, 58th Street and Lexington entrance, 12:30 p.m. to 2:30 p.m.; Four Seasons Hotel, 57 East 57th Street between Madison and Park, 6 p.m., by invitation only.]

Thursday 8th

The East Side flips out as it thinks a West Side crafts fair has invaded -but fear not, ladies in Chanel ballet flats , it’s only a fashion-and-art fair with ( phew !) salmon tartare and white zin spread out over 29 blocks. Take your sweaty flute over to Versace to see work by Roy Lichtenstein or gambol into Dolce & Gabbana to view portraits by model-turned-artist-turned-sensual-party-gal Ahn Duong . Or hop onto that banana seat : It’s New York Bike Week, and a fellow named Hal Ruzal (of the frighteningly hard hamstrings) is leading a 30-mile round-trip ride to Coney Island.

[Where Fashion Meets Art, Madison Avenue between 57th and 86th streets, 6 p.m, 861-2055; Hal's Ride to Coney Island, meet at Bicycle Habitat, 244 Lafayette Street, 6:15 p.m., 212-431-3315.]

Friday 9th

Hillary may have made writing her new book look easy, but just think : Some poor sucker on the Clinton payroll must have worked around the clock to compare her bulky manuscript with those of the forth coming tomes from Bill and aide de camp Sydney Blumenthal to make sure that their stories all lined up when it came to the wild and wacky ways of the Clinton White House …. Tonight, the Senator from the State of New York slips in to her nattiest pantsuit toco-chairthe Colon Cancer Masquerade Ball, with cameos by Montel Williams and Katie Couric, who might be taking the Sarah Michelle Gellar look just a little too far. Or if you are-to use an M.B.A. term- “poor,” there’s a free concert in Battery Park featuring Grammy-grabber Norah Jones and hosted by some MTV correspondent (who can keep up?).

[Colon Cancer Masquerade Ball, Regent Wall Street Hotel, 55 Wall Street, 7 p.m., 301-879-1500; 100% N.Y.C., Battery Park, 7 p.m., 212-846-2596.]

Saturday 10th

Hmmm … what else? Search “options,” scroll down to “preferences” and-ah, here we go! Whispery Jewel attempts to caffeinate her career today with a concert in Central Park.” Everything is free !” said publicist Amy Gaiser. ” Games are free ! Free necklaces! Free gift bags for everyone, too! Free concert!” Since Miss Jewel , as we like to call her, tends to mumble her songs (when she’s not yodeling) , bring your ear trumpet. Or if this coming summer is already too much for you, steer clear of the park and putter over to the Von Lintel Gallery in Chelsea for John Newman’s exhibit of fun sculptures made of everything from gourds to gabardine .

[Jewel concert, Central Park Summerstage, Rumsey Playfield, 72nd Street entrance, Central Park, noon, open to the public; Monkey Wrenches and Household Saints , Von Lintel Gallery, 555 West 25th Street,

10 a.m. to 6 p.m., 212-242-0599.]

Sunday 11th

Mom’s Day! Linda Wells and her posse from Allure magazine are stepping out of their peep-toed spring pumps and squeezing their big ol’ feets into “sporty” pastel Pumas for Marathon Makeovers. There’s a half-marathon for women and a concomitant co-ed 5K for the out-of-shape husbands. As for us, the last race in which we competed had an ovary at the finish line, and we plan to keep it that way …. Plugging our own, because we can : Observer columnist Simon Doonan dishes about Wacky Chicks , his new book documenting the antics of gals like humorist Amy Sedaris and Brigid Berlin. Jonathan Adler , Simon’s partner of nine years and potter extraordinaire, is throwin’ (get it?) the soirée at his eponymous L.A. store, where they’ll be serving “wackatinis.” What’s in ‘em? “I have no idea!” said Mr. Adler. ” Simon and I are both teetotalers with geriatric sensibilities! We don’t drink. I don’t really know why, but we don’t. Anyway, we’ll just be there watching everyone else imbibe.” What’s it like to be Mr. Doonan’s better half? “Living with Simon, every day we’re bombarded by wackos. Even just walking down the block, every freak that I would normally cross the street to avoid comes charging up to him. They’re drawn to him! He’s just got such a sympathetic little face and demeanor.” So who wins the “wack-off,” New York or Los Angeles? “New York! New York is definitely wackier. L.A. people appear wackier because all the chicks dress like prostitutes , but when you scratch the surface, they’re all just reality-TV aspirants. But scratch the surface here and you’ll get an actual lunatic!”

[Marathon Makeovers, enter at West 67th Street, 8 a.m., 212-423-2256; Wacky Chicks book party, Jonathan Adler, 8125 Melrose Avenue, one block west of Crescent Heights, Los Angeles, 3 p.m., 800-657-7752.]

Monday 12th

Ah, the beauty biz- that wonderful industry dedicated to the proposition that if females aren’t using wrinkle cream by age 16, their faces will have more lines than college-ruled paper. Tonight, the Beauty Awards salute this year’s best bath-and-body goodies, while beauties Angie Harmon and Angela Lindval look on beatifically. Meanwhile, fragile-framed models with strategically deep side parts show up to watch the spindly women of Vogue co-host the Perry Ellis Awards. This year’s nominees include Zac Posen, Behnaz Sarafpour, Proenza Schouler and the folks behind Hollywould and Gunmetal. “I started in the industry when I was 17 years old,” Mr. Posen told us. “My first presentation to buyers , I had no idea what was expected of me, so my sister and I put together an elaborate and unorthodox fashion show in my parents’ living room -probably my most experimental show yet!” Who would he like to see in his clothes? “There are many phenomenal women I would love to dress: Nicole Kidman, Gwyneth Paltrow, Cate Blanchett, Julianne Moore and Tina Turner.” How about you dress Christina Aguilera and consider it a charity write-off? Speaking of charity, tonight scrumptious funnyman Jon Stewart and Al Franken honor Comedy Central prez and silver fox Larry Divney at a bash that benefits theMcCarton School for autistic children. “I hope to continue hostingtheevent untilthepoint where the people go, ‘You know what? We talked to the children, and they’re not interested in having you this year,'” said Mr. Stewart, who attended William and Mary; the school’s soccer team still gives the Liebo Award to the team clown each year in his honor (Mr. Stewart’s birth name is Liebowitz). “If I recall, our antics at college were pretty much relegated to standing in a corner and going, ‘This is bullshit !'” he said. “I don’t think we were particularly gregarious pranksters-more like loser outcasts sitting in a corner, drinking and swearing we were going to transfer to UCLA.”

[2003 Beauty Awards, Grand Ballroom, Waldorf-Astoria Hotel, 6:30 p.m., 212-685-5955, ext. 16; the McCarton School benefit, Regent Wall Street Hotel, 55 Wall Street, 6:30 p.m., 212-843-8295.]

Tuesday 13th

At the suggestion of our shrink, we’ve stopped attending variety shows lest we have another “setback.” But Rose McGowan and boyfriend David Zinczenko, editor of Men’s Health , are just a few celebs who’ve stopped by the 70’s-themed show known as Beacher’s Comedy Madhouse : comedy, karaoke, contests, magicians, sword-swallowers and cameras all over the place projecting the audience yelling “Whoo!” onto a big screen above the stage. “Only time I have sex is the night of my show,” said host Jeff Beacher, over a vodka and Red Bull. “That’s ’cause I get starf*cked, you know. I slept with one girl in the bathroom, and then I had one girl in each end of the club, and not one of the three knew each other existed. The greatest thing is, girls after the show will just come over and make out with you. It’s really amazing …. And I’m 260 pounds, dude. I’m not like some skinny good-looking-you know what I’m saying? I’m a really heavy fat guy, and this is the best. Stardom is awesome!”

[ Beacher's Comedy Madhouse , the Supper Club, 240 West 47th Street, 7 p.m., 212-404-7884.]

Wednesday 14th

If you worked at a chocolate store, would you gain weight? No way, says Alison Nelson , co-owner of Chocolate Bar on Eighth Avenue. “Working here is the reverse Atkins diet!” she said. “[Co-founder] Matt Lewis and I have both lost between 15 to 20 pounds since we opened the store, and everyone who’s worked here has either maintained their weight or lost. Chocolate’s an appetite-suppressant. It’s so rich that you don’t ever gorge on it.” Seen anything strange? “I’ve seen the chocolate-for-breakfast philosophy in full bloom. We open at 8:30 a.m., and there are people who will come in and get six truffles and eat them with their coffee. And I’ve seen people drop over $1,000 on candy.” Tonight, the shop celebrates its one-year anniversary and hopes invitees Bebe Neuwirth, Keri Russell and Julianne Moore swing by for chocolate martinis, brownies, cookies and more sampling than a P. Diddy album . Fun fact: To keep the chocolate from “blooming” (when it gets that white stuff all over it), Ms. Nelson has to keep the store’s temperature at a nipple-hardening 62 degrees during the summer. “I live about 12 blocks away from the store,” she said. “I can walk home without breaking a sweat, while everybody else is sweating and pissed-off.”

[Chocolate Bar party, Eugene, 27 West 24th Street between Fifth and Sixth avenues,

6:30 p.m., 212-334-8006.]