Eight Day Week

Wednesday 28t h

SOFA, so good? In the 1990′s, your empty apartment would’ve seemed Zen, but now all that wide-open space is giving you panic attacks , so pop an Ativan-oh, all right, maybe two -and brave the arty and tarty ladies and all the men still wearing blazers over black T-shirts at the International Exposition of Sculpture Objects and Functional Art’s opening-night preview, featuring some prr-rretty kooky teapots . What it benefits: the Museum of Arts and Design-no relation to the super-duper Cooper-Hewitt, we think . If you’ve got one of those “parking-meter boyfriends” who needs to be fed every hour on the hour, fear not: The affair features plenty of grub from Daniel (French, fancy), Zarela (Mexican, fancy) and Heartbeat (abstemious, fancy) …. Or perhaps you’re like us, and everyone you’ve been dating lately seems to be an immigrant from Planet What-the-F*ck, flocking to you like the mothership with their weird little Caesar haircuts and coke problems? HurryDate, the coed sewing circle of our generation, is having one of its express dating sessions tonight (meet 25 people in three minutes- whee , what a ride!), and indeed every Wednesday throughout June. Bring industrial-strength Binaca.

[SOFA New York 2003 Gala Benefit, Seventh Regiment Armory Park Avenue at 67th Street, 5 p.m., 212-956-3535, ext. 112; HurryDate, Gaslight Lounge, 400 West 14th Street, 7 p.m., http://www.hurrydate.com.

Thursday 29th

Grrrr! The Wildlife Conservation Society (basically PETA without the crass theatrics) hosts a “Tiger Time” gala for all those hairy Hearsts and Hiltons at the Central Park Zoo to celebrate the opening of Tiger Mountain, the zoo’s spiffy new big-cat area , whose name unfortunately suggests the Great Adventure trips of our girlhood. Your “wildlife ambassadors” for the evening: Lorraine Bracco , (our “enlightened” editor, currently on some mystical Memorial Day retreat, is totally hot for her) and actor Jerry Orbach .We found zoo assistant director of communications Linda Corcoran (no relation to toothy real-estate dominatrix Barbara) glumly staring at a 10-day forecast. “It’s supposed to pour!” she said. “I’d be a lot better if it was the half-cloud symbol with the little drops, but it’s not-it’s the one with the whole cloud ! I don’t care what religion you are: go to church this weekend and pray for the sun to come out !” Um, O.K.! There won’t be any actual tigers at the party, unless you count Sherrill Aston ( not ), so if you want to see ‘em, you gotta come back for the exhibit. “Literally, there’s an inch of glass between you and tigers ,” enthused Ms. Corcoran. Every log in the exhibit is scented with perfumes, especially those with a musky smell -the tigers love that-or sometimes with another animal’s urine. They especially like Calvin Klein’s Obsession for Men !” And speaking of guys who wear cologne: Investment bankers are gathering like dark storm clouds in the east to honor Goldman Sachs chief executive Henry Paulson Jr. and former Clintonista Donna (“My Name Is the Chorus to ‘Brown-Eyed Girl’!”) Shalala at the Harvard Business School’s annual international dinner. Zeitgeist -y theme: “Rebuilding Trust.” How does one dress for that, we wonder?

[Tiger Time, Central Park Zoo, Fifth Avenue at 64th Street, 6:30 p.m., 718-220-5090;

Rebuilding Trust, Starlight Roof, Waldorf-Astoria Hotel, 301 Park Avenue, 6:30 p.m., 212-843-1742.]

Friday 30th

Ladies with tempers ! Some are duking it out for seats on the Jitney, others are clawing over shoes at Loehmann’s, and the dregs are filtering into the Bluestocking Women’s Bookstore for an “empowering” night of “Murder 101: Killer Bitches, Babes, Broads, and Bombshells.” Authoress Trina Robbins will read from her gripping new book, Tender Murderers: Women Who Kill -think old favorites like Bonnie Parker, Lizzie Borden, Jean Harris and some new surprises! “Belle Gunness was the ogress of Indiana,” said Ms. Robbins by phone from bluestocking-filled San Francisco. ” She was so bad ! She started small: First her husband-who was insured-died very suddenly, so she remarried and took her kids to live in this farmhouse with this widower and his baby. Then the baby-who was insured-died mysteriously, and soon after a wrought-iron meat grinder ‘accidentally’ fell on the widower’s head-and, of course, he was insured, too! … By the time they found her out, they dug up about 14 bodies, but there was also a hog pen in back where she had been feeding her suitors to the hogs!” We understand the impulse, sister. But back to Belle: “She’s actually having a movie made about her-and Liz Hurley, of all people, is going to play her! And let me tell you, Belle Gunness weighed 280 pounds and was quite unattractive, so I don’t know what they’re going to do to Liz Hurley, but this is beyond putting on a nose and pretending to be Virginia Woolf.” Yep, we smell an Oscar for Ms. Hurley!

[172 Allen Street, 7:30 p.m., 212-777-6028.]

Saturday 31st

Where’s Waldo? Rumpled types who fancy themselves “students of human nature”-rub elbow patches at the big, bad Ralph Waldo Emerson Bicentennial Celebration. What to expect, besides a musty aroma: lectures, group discussions and “dramatic” readings of works like “Nature,” which-or so we seem to remember from our expensive Ivy League education-argued that true happiness is only achieved when man becomes one with nature (which, coincidentally, happens to be the “sex rap” of the aforementioned rumpled types) .

[School of Practical Philosophy, 12 East 79th Street, 1:30 to 5:30 p.m., 212-744-0764.]

Sunday 1st

Tan-demonium: Is it just us, or have the gals of Condé Nast, Hearst and their gamine French sister, Hachette Filipacchi, been lookin’ suspiciously tawny lately -almost like they’re spending their lunch hours getting spritzed at Mystic Tan parlors ? Need to investigate further. Anyway, today Allure editor Linda Wells -who will be played by Jodie Foster or maybe Anne Heche in the movie-is slathering on some bronzer, slipping on kitten-heeled flip-flops and smick-smacking over to Central Park for “Play Safe,” an event about solar safety-all about how S.P.F. 45 is the new S.P.F. 15, etc. Michael Douglas spawn Cameron Douglas spins; Vanessa Carlton look-alike Michelle Branch sings. Your hard-earned dollars are mysteriously spirited away to the Skin Cancer Foundation.

[www.mystictan.com for locations; Allure Play Safe, Rumsey Playfield, Central Park, Fifth Avenue at 69th Street entrance, 2 to 5 p.m., 212-360-2777.]

Monday 2nd

MoMA mia! Summoning all socialites in fluttery chiffon dresses: It’s the Museum of Modern Art’s annual Party in the Garden , which, strangely, is neither at MoMA nor in a garden (discuss amongst yourselves), but will have a whole lotta Lauders in the crowd. Cast members from 42nd Street gamely shimmy down to the Altman Building to serenade tonight’s honoree, former Mayor Rudy Giuliani, and his throbbing sex bomb of a new wife, Judith Nathan -New York’s answer to Camilla Parker Bowles. What it will cost you: $1,500 ( ouch ), but if you shoot yourself full of Botox and pretend to be under 39, it’s a little cheaper …. Meanwhile, it’s the saucily titled ” Blowin’ the Blues Away ” fund-raiser for Jazz at Lincoln Center! Watch with mild horror as Karenna Schiff-part of an alarming new breed of smug young mothers-shiny-headed Ron Perelman and sultry Ellen Barkin, and grossly underused actress Glenn Close “groove” to performances by Ray Charles, Eric Clapton, B.B. King and Wynton Marsalis. Pot-lovin’ septuagenarian Willie Nelson will also be par-toking ….

[Party in the Garden, the Altman Building, 135 West 18th Street, 7 p.m., 212-708-9680; Blowin' the Blues Away, Apollo Theater, 253 West 125th Street, 7:30 p.m., 212-258-9803.]

Tuesday 3rd

Put me in Coach! Coach, which used to make dowdy leather handbags and goat cheese but now peddles “beach glamour” accessories, hosts a kicky kickoff party for the Cooper-Hewitt’s forthcoming National Design Awards (brace for still more kooky teapots ). And the starlet wattage is … medium, namely Anna Paquin and Rosario Dawson (both of whom gave us one or two solid indie performances, only to sign on for abominations like Finding Forrester and Josie and the Pussycats , respectively). Perfect the supermodel “wave away the hors d’oeuvres” maneuver with your willowy pals Bridget Hall and Jaime King, along with others you only see near food when their billboard is next to the giant Cup Noodles soup in Times Square. The car to pull up in: Frank Sinatra’s metallic-orange Lamborghini Miura , which is on the block today at Christie’s -an institution which at one point, we believe, was a serious auction house that sold paintings and stuff.

[Cooper-Hewitt National Design Museum, 2 East 91st Street, 6:30 to 9:30 p.m., by invitation only, 212-957-4107; Christie's vintage car exhibition and auction, 30 Rockefeller Plaza, between 49th and 50th streets and Fifth and Sixth avenues, 10 a.m. to 8 p.m., 212-632-3975.]

Wednesday 4th

Rock or Rocca? Oh, dilemmas, dilemmas …. Self magazine-the women’s glossy which purports to promote healthy body images for women, then slaps Ed Burns–loving fembot Christy Turlington on every cover-is having a premiere party for VH1′s latest Rock Bodies series, which celebrates pop-star physiques. Editor Lucy Danziger, who has secretly curly hair but blow-dries it to be slick and corporate , swings her flaxen mane to the tinkling piano work of Vanessa Carlton. (Memo to Self : Don’t you think it’s a bit weird that this chick is never in the same place at the same time as Michelle Branch, above? Memo to self: Refill Ativan prescription) …. Meanwhile, bet ya didn’t know that The New Yorker’s sexy septuagenarian, Lillian Ross, was a Friar! She joins peppery CNN redhead Jeff Greenfield and The Daily Show’s dapper Mo Rocca to toast humorist Andy Borowitz and his new book, Who Moved My Soap: The CEO’s Guide to Surviving in Prison . “It’s sort of a public service,” said Mr. Borowitz, a Hah-vahd man. “I had a motivation for doing it, because a lot of these guys are really going up the river and are used to having things done for them and not to them. And I made it really short, because businessmen in general have short attention spans, and in prison you really have to read fast because you never know what’s coming at you!” Who’s his favorite disgraced C.E.O.? “Dennis Kozlowski -or ‘K-Dog,’ as I like to call him. K-Dog did everything right in my book. First of all, there was the $6,000 shower curtain he bought , which automatically puts him in my pantheon. Then he married an aerobics instructor and threw her a birthday party in Sardinia , at which Jimmy Buffet played, and which featured an ice statue of Michelangelo’s David that pissed vodka. Now that shows a little joie de vivre .” Manhattan party planners, are you taking notes? ‘Cause we’re slowly dying over here ….

[ Rock Bodies , Splashlight Studios, 535 West 35th Street between 10th and 11th Avenues, 7 p.m., by invitation only; Borowitz book party, the New York Friars Club, 57 East 55th Street, 6:30 to 8:30 p.m., 212-446-5107.]