Eight Day Week

Wednesday 13th

So what if Dylan’s new movie, Masked and Anonymous , is unwatchable? Frankly, if he had made a greatmovie, we would have been suspicious ….Anyway, just when you thought summer 2003 was going to be a total wash , with failed attempts at a) reconciling with your toxicex (so what if he’s married,you asked yourself); b) wearing butt cleavage to your nephew’s bar mitzvah; c) looking good in a tankini (no one does, sister-girlfriend); and d) convincing yourself you care about the turf war between the Pentagon and the State Department – America’s last honest man stumbles into town to play the Hammerstein Ballroom, and not a moment too soon. And yes, it may be true that he sounds an awful lot like Charlie Brown’s teacher -but this is Bob Dylan , folks, there ain’t no other and there ain’t never going to be another . So boff whoever you have to to get tickets and wear your best “geisha-gangster” chic outfit to match Bob’s.

[Hammerstein Ballroom, 311 West 34th Street, 8 p.m., 212-307-7171.]

Thursday 14th

Here’s looking at you … and you … and you …. The editors at Esquire -who do love themselves a gimmick!- scratched their heads and thought a lot , and then thought some more , and came up with this gassy idea: How’s about an open casting call for “the next Humphrey Bogart !” All tied into the 60th anniversary of Casablanca ! Pure genius ! (That’s why they get paid the big bucks, you see.) The winner gets $10,000, a photo shoot in, well, Esquire and a Longines watch. The judges include Stephen Bogart (son of Himself and Lauren Bacall), Sean Ferrer (Audrey Hepburn’s son) and cueball-topped actor Billy Zane (he played the jerk in Titanic) . “But the contest isn’t just for men,” said Mr. Bogart. “Women can have the qualities we’re looking for, too. My mother, for one-or Dietrich . It’s tha t je ne sais quoi kind of thing that just is, but can’t be explained. There are a lot of people who try to be elegant and sophisticated, and it doesn’t quite come off. My father was sophisticated and elegant in a down-to-earth way. He had attitude, but didn’t portray himself as anything other than he was. I was listening to Kevin Costner on 20/20 last night, and he was so smart and thoughtful. I’m not putting him in the same category as my father, but he has that cool way about him that my father had. And, of course, there’s Nicholson, but it’s such a different time now-Nicholson was cool in a 1960’s, 70’s, 80’s way, whereas my father was cool in a 1930’s, 40’s, 50’s way.” If you don’t have that je ne sais quoi but you love you some good eatin’ , take the ferry (now stop that!) to Staten Island for Rita’s New York City Italian Ice Eating Contest. Slurp! Contestants will have 15 minutes, and the one who sucks the most gets 500 smackas and a trophy. Said Denise Donlen, director of marketing, “I’ve been living, breathing and dreaming this! We’ve introduced a new flavor-green apple. The idea is that green apple has come to the Big Apple! They thought the flavor lent itself perfectly to Staten Island.” (The landfill flavor, apparently, was already taken.) “I’m thinking they’ll eat 50 cups at the most, although others are projecting between 25 to 30.” Care to make it interesting, sister?

[New York City Italian Ice Eating Championship, Rita's, Greenridge Plaza, Arthur Kill Road and Richmond Avenue, Staten Island, 11:30 a.m., 718-227-7860; Longines Casting Call, Tourneau, 12 East 57th Street, 10 a.m., register at bogart@longines.com.]

Friday 15th

Is it true ? Is J. Lo ” over “? We know two things for certain: Those satin cargo pants with the fluttery ribbons she made popular are definitely over, and today is Ben Affleck’s birthday. (He claims 31.) Why do we get the feeling only one of them is gonna emerge from their relationship with box office intact , and why do we think it ain’t gonna be him? Maybe because she was brilliant opposite George Clooney in Out of Sight -what actress, after all, could shine opposite Ben? Except Matt! Meanwhile, today in the ho-ho-Hamptons, if there are free doughnuts around, you can bet your sweet ass that Alec Baldwin isn’t far away, and indeed today the portly thespian acts as auctioneer at an American Impressionist exhibition benefiting the East Hampton Healthcare Foundation, with doughnuts supplied by Dressens . Watch as women climb into their slutty summer frocks, steeling themselves for next month’s downshift into the tasteful toggery of fall, while their husbands climb into a dry martini. Painters with work in the auction include Frederick Carl Frieseke, Childe Hassam, Irving Ramsey Wiles and Curt Hoppe. Crash strategy for the ladies: attend happy hour at the American Hotel bar, attach yourself to the shortest, baldest, richest wee fella you can find and butter him up like a breakfast scone.

[Art Auction with Alec, Wallace Gallery, 37A Main Street, East Hampton, 6 to 8 p.m., 631-324-8943.]

Saturday 16th

Both Frank and Kathie Lee Gifford were born today, a fact we find not a little disturbing. Meanwhile, what could be more fun on a sticky summer Saturday than hoppin’ around a patch of Queens with a whole slew of young hipsters who live in apartments their folks bought them and do “freelance stuff?” Today, the weekly rave at P.S. 1 – MoMA’s glowstick-waving,Ecstasy-abusing younger sibling -continues. Inside you’ll find Taryn Simon’s photos of falsely accused inmates, The Innocents , along with some “site-specific” exhibitions located in stairwells and bathrooms. (Welcome to the recession, guys-glad you could make it!) Outside in the courtyard (where we nearly got knocked out last weekend by a crew of maniac hula-hoopers ), the electrotrash set throbs to the D.J.’s endless thump. Everyone else lounges on the manufactured urban beach, drinking flat Brooklyn Lager and ashing their Parliaments in ersatz streams. Hey, it beats waiting in line behind Mort Zuckerman for overpriced arugula in East Hampton!

[P.S. 1, 22-25 Jackson Avenue at 46th Avenue, Queens, noon to 9 p.m., 718-784-2084.]

Sunday 17th

Reeling in Tribeca: In case you missed it, New York magazine has dubbed the Catskills the new Hamptons , which cannot be good for the Catskills. But if you want to prep yourself for future weekends of mountain streams and urbane Woodstock hippies, get thee to Tribeca today for a Big City Fishing Workshop , in which city folk will be taught how to handle a big rod. Tara Reid can sleep in.

[Big City Fishing Workshops, Pier 25, N. Moore and the Hudson River, noon to 5 p.m., http://www.hudsonriverpark.org.

Monday 18th

No, not an Alec Baldwin joke: The Donut Shop: A Comedic Bombshell about Eating Disorders , opens today on the Upper West Side (not too far from Krispy Creme , in fact!) Plot: Disgruntled white-collar guy gets locked in doughnut shop with a bulimic and an anorexic. The bulimic has just wolfed an entire tray of pastries and is trying desperately not to sprint to the ladies'; the anorexic is an employee of the shop who’s never eaten a doughnut. The 34-year-old writer/director, Carl Stillitano, said he was inspired by two people recovering from eating disorders who belonged to his “self-growth workshop . ” “We figured we had to make it funny, because obviously no one’s going to want to come to a play about eating disorders unless there’s a comedic slant to it. We threw in this bit about how the anorexic employee ignores all the customers as a comment on how you can’t get any service in stores anymore …. Hopefully, what we’ve captured is a unique comedic experience of eating disorders.” Try to ignore the sound of theater chairs a-squeakin’ from all the 24-year-old media gamines shifting uncomfortably in their seats.

[ The Donut Shop , ArcLIGHT Theatre, 152 West 71st Street, 8 p.m., 212-868-4444.]

Tuesday 19th

When it comes to stand-up, Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, Jeffrey Ross and Sara Silverman lead the pack, but this town is still filled with lots (and lots) of people crackin’ wise. Tonight, a whole mess of Mikes invades the New York Comedy Club for an imaginatively titled show, “Comics Named Mike.” We caught one of the Mikes (Destefano, to be exact, who calls himself “Mikee”) in Virginia Beach just before a gig. “I’ll take any niche I can get.” he said. “If it was ‘Comics With One Leg Coming Out of Their Forehead,’ and I had that, I would jump on it, too! Before this, I was a drug and alcohol educator; before that I was a drug addict, and before that I was little ,” Mr. Destefano continued. “After a few years of being clean, I thought, ‘Now that I can stand up, I should do stand-up comedy!'” Everyone’s a comedian! Speaking of comedy, will there ever be a more enjoyable rumor than when everyone thought Marilyn Manson was the eldest son from Mr. Belvedere ? Not friggin’ likely. Today across the Hudson in Jersey, the creepy goth singer (whom actress Rose McGowan traded in for Men’s Health editor David Zinczenko- that’s gotta smart!) is unleashed upon the unwashed crowd at Ozzfest with metal bands Korn, Disturbed, Chevelle and Ozzy Osbourne himself, in all his unbleeped glory.

[Comics Named Mike, New York Comedy Club, 241 East 24th Street, 9:30 p.m., 212-696-LAFF; Ozzfest, PNC Bank Arts Center, Homdel, N.J., 10 a.m., 201-507-8900.]

Wednesday 20th

More proof that Anna Wintour is actually Cruella DeVille : Vogue’s Web site currently touts “little fur jackets” as a forthcoming fall trend with the caption: “As warm and cozy as a puppy, and a lot more portable!” You couldn’t make this stuff up. Today, ladies converge upon last season’s trends at the Barneys Warehouse sale, the female modern-day equivalent of the Oklahoma Land Run. Expect 23-year-old editorial assistants with belly chains trying to “build a wardrobe”-avoid the plastic Kelly bags, girls, those are out !

[Barneys Warehouse Sale, 255 West 17th Street, 10 a.m. to 9 p.m., 212-593-7800.]