Eight Day Week

Wednesday 20th

Well, now we know what happens when we plug in our hair dryer and our flat iron at the same time …. Since our calves are still aching from our unfortunate decision to live on the 30th floor , tonight we’re plopping our bumsey on the grounds of Rumsey Playfield in Central Park. Champagne-haired alterna-songstress Aimee Mann , whose razor-edged songs inspired director Paul Thomas Anderson to make the movie Magnolia , takes the stage for the season’s penultimate Summer Stage concert. Look for lots of balding 42-year-old guys insisting to their tired wives, “Hey, I was into Aimee Mann back when she was in that band, Til Tuesday.” Meanwhile the wife is thinking, “That’s just swell, buster-why don’t you try having a baby?”

[Central Park SummerStage, 6:30 p.m., Central Park, 69th Street and Fifth Avenue entrance, http://www.summerstage.org.

Thursday 21st

The naked chef? He’s one of the top chefs in New York -maybe in the top three-but we worry that Rocco DiSpirito is squandering his amazing talent with his reality-TV show, The Restaurant . (Shouldn’t a chef’s only audience be his regular diners , not a bunch of couch potatoes?) The sooner he pulls out of that silly show, loses the floozy groupies (we’ve lost count … ) and gets back behind the grill, the better, we say! Tonight , another toque-and-TV chef, Emeril Lagasse, slings hash at the International Taste of Tennis benefit for Citymeals-on-Wheels. Celeb aces in attendance include Andre Agassi and Andy Roddick, who’s been serving singer-actress Mandy Moore off the court.

[International Taste of Tennis benefit, W Hotel, 541 Lexington Avenue, 7 p.m.]

Friday 22nd

Mostly Mozart is mostly over, so stop by tonight and you can say you did something cultured this summer besides that docent from MoMA. So, while much of Manhattan’s striving set is stuck in a sweltering traffic jam on the Long Island Expressway , you can woof it up instead with the rest of the audience for conductor Louis Langrée , soprano Cyndia Sieden and tenor Bruce Ford , who’s performing for the first time at the festival tonight. Meanwhile, if you’re suffering from the sensation of having nothing to do between now and Labor Day , you ain’t alone: Perhaps because of the limpin’ economy, the solar chart and a certain pre–Sept. 11 anniversary anxiety, the city is oddly bereft of jazz and pizzazz as summer winds down …. We have three words of advice: Ben and Jerry’s. In fact, rather than fight the recent news that 20 percent of New Yorkers are obese , we say let’s join ‘em , and everyone agree to quit those gym memberships and yoga classes and ge t really, really fat for the next year …. The whole thing will have that manic, kooky, party-like atmosphere that prevailed during the blackout …. Dare to be fat!

[Lincoln Center, Avery Fisher Hall, 65th Street and Broadway, 8 p.m., 212-721-6500.]

Saturday 23rd

Now that most people who live in the East Village do so courtesy of Mummy and Daddy’s bank account , the Howl! Festival doesn’t quite have the thrill of danger and rebelliont hat Allen Ginsberg would have recognized …. Still, you get to catch glimpses of Steve Buscemi, Lou Reed, members of Sonic Youth and others who haven’t sold out …. Tonight as part of the festivus, mantastic drag queen Lady Bunny hop- hop- hops to Tompkins Square Park to host Wigstock . “Hopefully, the blowjobs that I have offered the individual members of the Police Department will enable them to be lenient with the time,” the lusty lapin told Special Eight-Day Week correspondent Jake Brooks. Ms. Bunny insisted that Liza Minelli may turn up, but our big-cheese editor says he knows otherwise ….

[Wigstock, Tompkins Square Park band shell, Seventh Street between Avenues A and B, 4:30 p.m., http://www.howlfestival.com.

Sunday 24th

Wake up in a shabby-chic share in the Hamptons? Roll your flea-bitten body off that concupiscent Goldman Sachs trainee and lace up for the Steps for Breath 5K Fun Run/Walk. If you’re like us, and believe “fun run” -much like “good morning” -is a contradiction in terms, make the check out to the Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center and hit “snooze” …. Later, Nick and Toni’s restaurant celebrates its 15th-anniversary party. “They’re getting ponies for the kids to ride, and cigars for the adults!” said Steve Haweeli, a publicist whose firm is handling the event. Mr. Haweeli used to be the barkeep at Nick and Toni’s. “I’ll be pouring drinks. Absolutely!” he said. “Margaritas with egg whites are my specialty. Egg whites give the drink a tremendous natural frost. It takes the bite out of the tequila and the sour out of the lime. You gotta shake it about 20 times. It’s almost like a milk shake.” Alec Baldwin will be first in line ( burp! )-along with Chevy Chase, Sarah Jessica Parker (who, if you haven’t noticed, has worked overtime to make sure the world knows she’s super- skinny within minutes of giving birth- three cheers for feminism … ), Steven Speilberg , Billy Joel, Calvin Klein , the Mel Brooks and Anne Bancroft posse, and good-time gal Kathleen Turner. “No cocktails for her !” said Mr. Haweeli. “I’ll refuse. I won’t serve her. I’ll turn her away. Get it? Turner away ! Ha!” Once you’ve had enough, trot over to the Hampton Classic Horse Show , which features over 1,500 horsies and 50,000 horsy boarding-school gals -which automatically activates an orange-level Bill Clinton alert ….

[Steps for Breath, 2 Pond Lane, the Cultural Center of Southampton, Southampton,

9 a.m., 212-639-7975; Nick and Toni’s 15th Anniversary, 136 North Main Street, East Hampton, 3 to 8 p.m., 631-324-3550, by

invitation only; 28th Annual Hampton Classic Horse Show 8 a.m. to 5 p.m., show grounds, 240 Snake Hollow Road,

Bridgehampton, 631-537-3177.]

Monday 25th

The U.S. Open opens for bidness today. Pete Sampras sits this one out as Serena Williams puts her knee on ice and watches sister Venus tear up the hard court, battling the likes of Lindsay Davenport and those two Belgian chicks that just don’t do it for us. Back here on greener pastures, the Bryant Park Film Festival concludes its series tonight with light summery fare: Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey . (What, they couldn’t get Peckinpah’s Straw Dogs ?) Come for the HBO intro song, during which it’s customary for audience members to stand up and dance around like fools.

[U.S. Open, USTA National Tennis Center, Flushing, 11 a.m., 866-OPENTIX; 2001: A Space Odyssey , Bryant Park, Sixth Avenue between 40th and 42nd streets, sunset.]

Tuesday 26th

Touby or not Touby: The Sex and the City “death watch” has begun-the show’s final season is dribbling to a close, with HBO having convinced an entire nation that the average New York single woman has the I.Q. of a shoe …. Mediabistro editor Albert Lee and feather-boa-toting muse Laurel Touby have rustled up Sex and the City script writer Aury Wallington to teach a seminar, “Write for TV!” (exclamation point theirs). Ms. Wallington, a plucky 28, gave us some advice. “The biggest mistake people make who want to write for, say, Will and Grace is to sit down and write an episode of Will and Grace , send it off to producers, and expect that in a month it’ll be on the air and they’ll be living in Hollywood,” she said. “It’s a common mistake. I did it- I wrote a Simpsons episode when I was in college [at Tufts] and was shocked when it didn’t end up on the air. Every single one of my friends has written a Sex and the City script, and I can’t read any of them for legal reasons. You can also submit a script to a TV-writing contest. Scriptapalooza comes to mind-that’s a big one. Otherwise, you usually can’t do anything without an agent. To get an agent, you have to send them a spec script.” All clear now, kids?

[Mediabistro.com offices, 494 Broadway, third floor, 7 to 10 p.m., sign up at http://www.ervsp.com/reply/tvseminar.

Wednesday 27th

Gwyneth Paltrow, who we’re sure is very distressed about her ex-flame Ben’s troubles with his gum-snappin’ Latina firecracker, has been railing against Bonnie Fuller and blaming tabs like Us Weekly for hounding herself and other celebs with paparazzi. (Hmm, so basically what Ms. Paltrow is saying is that her job is taking over her life and she can’t seem to escape the office? Welcome to real life, Gwynnie. Population: Everyone else .) Alas, if you wanna see celebs tonight, your best bet is the tube: Watch ‘em get harassed on our latest addiction, E!’s Celebrities Uncensored . Thus far, our favorite uncensored moment is a tie between Andy Dick spitting at the camera and every scene involving Jack Nicholson. Hey, we warned you back in May this wasn’t going to be an easy summer ….

[E!, 24, 10 p.m.]

Thursday 28th

Ladies, there are two things you can do today: one, purge your Louis Vuitton Murakami bag-frankly, it looks like Hello Kitty. (In fact, how about not all swooping down and buying “the handbag” every season, ladies, like a bunch of sheep!) Or , if you have a thing for men with nicer hair than you, you could check out Anthrax -not the microscopic organism that once prompted an Observer intern’s parents to force her into early retirement rather than risk opening mail, but rather the heavy-metal band , which clangs into Irving Plaza tonight. On a side note, none of the band members actually contracted anthrax. In case you were wondering ….

[Irving Plaza, 17 Irving Place, 8 p.m., 212-307-7171.]

Friday 29th

Eat like a swell for cheap! If you’re going down in flames with the economy, and that rich boyfriend/girlfriend never quite materialized over the summer, why not go out with a big burp ! New York Restaurant Week has been extended, so you and your unwashed pals can finely dine for chump change: $20.03 and $30.03 buys you lunch and dinner, respectively, at chow houses like Olives, Tao, Park Avenue Cafe, Tavern on the Green, Artisanal and other eateries. Who knows-you might even end up on TV! (See Aug. 21.)

[www.restaurantweek.com for info.]

Saturday 30th

” I heard Arnold Schwarzenegger is hung like a hamster -they said the steroids are killing him, and that it’s the only thing that’s small on him,” The View ‘s Joy Behar told Special Eight-Day Week correspondent Michael Mohammed. Tonight, Ms. Behar is doing ha-ha stand-up at the ho-ho-Hamptons’ Guild Hall. “You know,” she said, “Ann Coulter came on The View and she was wearing a skirt that was around her mid-thighs, and I said to her, ‘Well, you really are a Bush girl!’ You can print that.” Thanks , sister. Me- ow! Meanwhile, if it’s your weekend with the kids, bring the wee ones to Times Square for the Big Apple Anime Fest -chockablock with Japanimation and 30-year-old male virgins. “You’re gonna see people dressed in these weird, outlandish costumes,” said Anna Wang , who’s doing publicity for the festival. “There’s something called ‘The Big Battle,’ where people dress up in these monster costumes and battle each other. Like, they just fight.” Typical guy stuff.

[Joy Behar, Guild Hall, 158 Main Street, East Hampton, 8 p.m., 631-324-4050; the Big Apple Anime Fest, the Loews State Theater and the Marriott Marquis, Times Square, info at http://www.bigappleanimefest.com.

Sunday 31st

Hey, layyyy-deeee! More on fat New York ! As he took medication to battle pulmonary fibrosis, Jerry Lewis became a rolypoly love-pug, and we love him that way! Tonight, you can sit your widening rump on your A.C. (which, face it, is really just a glorified fan) as Mr. Lewis hosts his 37th annual telethon to battle muscular dystrophy …. But first, take in an afternoon in the most over-air-conditioned spot on the planet, the American Museum of Natural History, where you can sample the Chocolate exhibition. The installment oozes on for a few more weeks, but this is the last weekend they’re handing out free chocolate by Godiva . If New York men had a brain in their heads, they’d be here cruising chicks instead of smoking Gauloises at Cafe Lebowitz.

[Jerry Lewis M.D.A. Telethon 2003, UPN 9, 9 p.m., http://www.mdausa.org; American Museum of Natural History, Central Park West and 79th Street, 10 a.m. to 5:45 p.m., 212-769-5100.]

Monday 1st

It’s Labor Day, and guess who doesn’t have the day off? That’s right- the Amazin’ Mets! So if you can tolerate the “tomahawk chop” (they’re playing Atlanta) , as well as that looong No. 7 train ride (anything that travels that far ought to have a damn stewardess on it), head on out to Shea . Oh, and don’t be alarmed when security searches your bag at the front entrance -terrorists won’t be bombing the game. The Mets’ll do that on their own.

[Shea Stadium, Flushing, 1:10 p.m., 718-507-TIXX.]

Tuesday 2nd

Can’t beat the sight of size-two women surreptitiously sizing each other up in the communal dressing room at Showroom Seven, can ya? Today, get markdowns on faux-bohemian overpriced labels like Jiwon Park and Imitation of Christ …. Meanwhile, gamine coeds from Columbia and N.Y.U. canter off to their first classes today, bare tummies spilling out over last summer’s jeans, and then hurry back to their dorms and use their Ethernet connections to surf bluefly.com (50 to 90 percent off Prada, Gucci, Christian Dior, etc.) for that perfect “fall statement.”

[Showroom Seven Sample Sale, 498 Seventh Avenue, 24th floor, 10 a.m. to 7 p.m., 212-643-4810.]

Wednesday 3rd

Signs that summer is over? Dour Henry Kissinger -a politician who always wanted to be a Hollywood action star -drops in on the 92nd Street Y to lecture on “Diplomatic Crises.” Still awake? It’s $25 for the cheap seats, $50 to sit in the front row (where gadfly columnist Christopher Hitchens will be holding up a mirror, trying to prove that Mr. Kissinger has no reflection). Or stay home and start dreaming of Charlie Brown’s Great Pumpkin.

[1395 Lexington Avenue at 92nd Street, 8 p.m., 212-415-5500.]