“My shoppin’ demons are hoppin’,” said Tammy Faye Messner once, referring to the recklessly acquisitive tendencies that have dogged her through good times and bad. How ’bout you? Are your shoppin’ demons prodding their little pitchforks into your susceptible rump? Are you destined to be burned at that infernal stake called credit-card debt?
Unlike Tammy, you don’t have recourse to a higher power which might intervene and help subdue your deranged impulses. You do, however, have me , and though I don’t claim supernatural powers, I can at least make sure you buy the right stuff.
Here are 10 items, culled from this season’s offerings, which will calm your demons and enhance your wardrobe. Snap them up before some other fashion-crazed hag gets there first!
1. A MINI-KILT The most flattering manifestation of the mini trend is the mini-kilt: It’s gamine, it’s chic, and it’s flirty without being sleazy, even on your chunky legs. And you don’t need to spend a fortune: the Juicy Couture corduroy pleated and buckled mini-kilt in eight different colors (cream, vintage navy, forest green, mauve, berry red, light brown, dark brown and faded red-orange) sells for a demon-lovin’ $115.
2. THE HIGH-HEELED ANKLE BOOT , to be worn with the above. The “little boot” season is shorter than you think, so don’t spend a fortune. My pick: the “Elf” in tan suede from Donald J. Pliner at $225.
3. A FINE-GAUGE KNIT All right already with those unflattering, über -crafty, bulky hand knits that make you look and feel like a well-fed refugee. Exquisite, ladylike, fine-gauge knits are back! Treat yourself to an ultra-prissy $265 Barneys sleeveless cashmere number in pink, red, ivory, green or pale blue.
4. CHANEL Anything 80’s Chanel is de rigueur this season, especially a classic snotty Chanel quilted “caviar” leather chain purse ($1,395 in black or beige); eBay has vintage Chanel purses starting around $300.
5. THE SOHO HOBO -bag No. 2. The bohemian trend is over! Let it go! Stop pretending you live, or would ever want to live, in Marrakesh. As a farewell gesture to the world of patchouli and hash brownies, I allow you one last Joni moment: the patchwork Soho-hobo Coach bag, $328. It’s gorgeous and well-made and evokes the poignant death throes of the counterculture in the mid-1970’s, when even prissy secretaries were getting in on the act. No, you are not allowed to buy the matching boots ($360).
6. THONGS , as you know if you read this column on a regular basis, are sooo 2001, and fortunately for you and your nether regions, alternatives are proliferating. Your demons will love the new demure $20 Cosabella “boyleg” briefs in nylon mesh.
7. THEVELVETBLAZER At $1,295, the Yves Saint Laurent version is a bit pricey. Tightwads and poor girls should consider the $290 Max Mara version. Very luxe, very swanky: wear with jeans or chuck on over a silk-satin cocktail frock. Talking of which….
8. THE SHORT SILK-SATIN COCKTAIL FROCK Buy it, wear it, live in it, throw Merlot on it, go to hell in a handbasket in it-above all, don’t be precious about it. They come in a million colors-espresso, petrol or prune-at Valentino; pick one up for $2,900. The best bargain comes from Banana Republic, at $58 for the top and $98 for the skirt.
9. THE PRADA TWEED COAT , for men or women. I have been obsessing about this coat ever since I first clapped eyes on it last spring. The minute it hit the racks, I tore into the Prada store, threw it on and charged toward the nearest mirror. But instead of Alain Delon, all I saw was Miss Marple. So I gave it to my husband for his birthday. The moral of the story? Bold A-line tweeds are better on those of above-average height.
10. THE GARBAGE BAG Your new post-boho look requires that you discard a significant percentage of your current wardrobe. Throw out all your ugly cargo pants, old stretched-out thongs, hippie-dippy dashikis, hagged-out Juicy Couture velour tracksuits. Call Blanche at Housing Works-212-366-0820, ext. 2-for donation information.
Unleash your demons!