Blonde leading the blonde: Hey, are we still at war , or what exactly is the deal here? Nobody’s tying a yellow ribbon ’round the old oak tree, but at 8:30 a.m. this morning- about the time when last night’s tequila shots leave our system with a shock -HBO’s frizzy-haired little princess, Sarah Jessica Parker , is wrapping a big red ribbon around the Cartier Mansion on Fifth Avenue to “kick off” the holiday season …. She’ll be joined by Cartier C.E.O. Stanislas de Quercize, Santa Claus and three sparkling panther figurines-the panther is apparently an important symbol of the House of Cartier, so keep the Siegfried and Roy jokes to yourself, please! …. Later, at a slightly more civilized hour: The Tibet House auctions off backstage passes to a Sting concert (tantric sex not included), a director’s chair autographed by Robert De Niro and- whoo-ee , this sounds like fun- a transatlantic crossing on the Queen Mary II (for some reason, we find the idea of cruise ships inseparable from thoughts of E. coli and icebergs …). Who’s on the honorary committee: power couples David Bowie and Iman, Kimora Lee and Russell Simmons, Christy Turlington and Edward Burns -um, do you see how the female half of each “power couple” is a supermodel ; what’s wrong with this picture?-plus two more blondes : Sting’s wife, Trudie Styler, and spurned wife Uma Thurman , who’s kicking and punching and flailing her way toward a Nicole Kidman–style career comeback. ” Uma is confirmed , but I’m not sure about the rest,” said one of our favorite and most persistent publicists, Grant Lindsey.
[Cartier ceremony, 653 Fifth Avenue, 8:30 a.m., 212-334-0333; Tibet House benefit auction, Christie’s, 20 Rockefeller Plaza, 6 p.m., 212-807-0563.]
Chomskying at the bit: Sure, Manhattan may have spent the last week gathered round ‘puters watching what looked liked two raccoons mating , but there are some signs of intelligent life, thank heavens …. First, Asprey , another jewelry outfit-currently engaged in a midtown turf war with Harry Winston-is celebrating the expansion of their rare-book room (yes, jewelers are the new libraries!) by hauling in Salman Rushdie to read …. Later, demented linguist Noam Chomsky spouts anti-American vitriol at Columbia about postwar Iraq and its implications for the future, the marginalization of subaltern cultures and all that good stuff as he plugs his new book, Hegemony or Survival: America’s Quest for Global Dominance . After that dull roar, the sparkle picks up again at Christie’s, where Candice Bergen is auctioning off celebrity-designed benches to benefit the Central Park Conservancy. Former Mayor Rudy Giuliani designed one, which strikes us as somewhat ironic considering all the sleeping homeless he yanked off benches back in the day …. On a lighter note, Joan Rivers covered her seat in prickly Swarovski crystals and European glass beads, Liza Minnelli did hers up in a “Minnelli red” ultrasuede-very Studio 54-and our very own Simon Doonan created a white fiberglass bench with aluminum mannequin parts bolted to the bench -yes, homeboy sculpts, too-“to reflect and complement the insanely surreal juxtaposition of Central Park’s beauty,” he said, “plopped down in the middle of the stinky metropolis.” That’s how we feel sometimes sitting in the midst of all these min-Woodward and Bernsteins …
[Asprey, 723 Fifth Avenue, 9:30 a.m., 800-660-9159; Noam Chomsky, “After the War,” Miller Theatre, Columbia University, 116th Street and Broadway, 2 p.m., 212-854-7799; Target Benchmarks Central Park, Christie’s, 20 Rockefeller Plaza, 6 p.m., 212-310-6600.]
Pony up for Bono: Back to Christie’s! The cause du jour is an Irish hospice … and you know anywhere the phrase “Irish hospice” is bandied about, you’re sure to find U2 front man Bono , the cultural forefather of Gwyneth Paltrow’s lachrymose boyfriend Chris Martin …. Yes, it appears that Bono, the Tony Bennett of the wail-your-guts-out set, has done some paintings of the classic “Peter and the Wolf” tale-the kind of thing we imagine the eBay-addicted Midwestern soccer moms in puffy parkas who flood the city around this time of year will go absolutely wild for ….
[20 Rockefeller Plaza, 10 a.m. to 5 p.m., 212-636-2000.]
New spin on J. Lo? But first! ” Wicked smaht” Harvard students, with their inflated grades and egos, pile into their friends’ daddies’ Saabs and vrroom toward New Haven, where they will, in all likelihood- not that we’re biased or anything -get their heinies kicked in “the Game” with Yale …. Meanwhile, on the other end of the Metro-North Line, the Exit Art gallery opens a new exhibit called L Factor : 30 renditions of important Latin figures, including a 5-foot-2 cotton-candy statue of Jennifer Lopez. (O.K., so she’s actually 5-foot-6-this is a recession, people!) We found co-sculptor and F.I.T. grad Wanda Raimundi-Ortíz, 30, at the Blue Ox, where she’s a barmaid by night. “I’m a spin doctor!” she said. ” I was inspired by the notion of cotton candy and how high-maintenance it is and how difficult it is to work with . I decided to use this as a metaphor for celebrity and how easily it can collapse if you don’t take care of it.” Apparently, cotton candy disappears very quickly, so don’t leave without getting yourself a piece of ass! “It withers to nothing ’cause it’s 99 percent air, and I have to keep going back to tend to it. I’m pretty sick of it already ! She’s given me some structural problems .”
More early-morn fun: Luscious model Tyson Beckford , too-oft-overlooked actor Kyle MacLachlan, Trekkie Patrick Stewart and plucky Blaine Trump ostentatiously run or walk four miles in Central Park to benefit God’s Love We Deliver , the H.I.V./AIDS charity that is about to get 100 times more attention because of Mike Nichols’ stunning TV version of Angels in America …. We may show bleary-eyed with check in hand-our best friend says we’re too self-involved and a bunch of other stuff we don’t remember, and it’s making us feel guilty ….
[The Race to Deliver, Central Park, 72nd Street and Fifth Avenue entrance, registration at 7:45 a.m., race starts at 10 a.m., 1-888-235-RACE.]
Pinch my Tesh! The American Legacy Foundation honors a rather odd pairing: actor Kirk Douglas ( père to sleazy-sexy actor-producer Michael, grandpère to confused D.J. Cameron) and bodacious editor Ellen Levine , of the magazine Good Housekeeping , which we somehow can’t believe still exists. Meanwhile, adolescent couples flick open their Zippos for sensitive-guy singer John Mayer at Madison Square Garden, and mushy songwriter John Tesh (you can laugh, but the guy is richer than God after writing the “N.B.A. on NBC” theme, etc.) is serving mushy mashed potatoes to the homeless, which is nice. Finally, ladies don beaded boleros for “A Magical Evening,” a black-tie gala benefiting the Christopher Reeve Paralysis Foundation. Gloved fingers will pass awards to postmod architect Michael Graves, producer Francine LeFrak and Giuliani’s former “advance man,” Rick Friedberg. Say, does anyone have a magic carpet to take us to Bermuda?
[John Mayer, Madison Square Garden, 7:30 p.m., 212-307-7171; American Legacy Foundation Honors, Cipriani 42nd Street, 110 East 42nd Street, 6:30 p.m., 212-843-1718; Great Thanksgiving Banquet, New York City Rescue Mission, 90 Lafayette Street, noon to 7 p.m., 212-962-3373; A Magical Evening gala, Marriott Marquis, 1535 Broadway, 6:30 p.m., 212-627-1000.]
Sex writers hold forth: For once …. Emma Taylor, 30, and Lorelei Sharkey, 31, a.k.a. Nerve.com columnists Em and Lo (not to be confused with Julia Roberts’ favorite jewelry designers, Me and Ro), now have a Web site of their own and a sex manual, The Big Bang: Nerve’s Guide to the New Sexual Universe , that’s already in its third printing. The girls are bouncing back from a bad review in that mean ol’ rag, The New York Sun . “It was our favorite of them all!” crowed Ms. Sharkey from rapidly gentrifying Cobble Hill, Brooklyn. “It was so personal and biting … so petty and over the top! You can tell he read it more closely than any of the other reviewers. He accused us of being trust-fund kids, Soho scenesters and hipsters, and called us ‘passively attractive puppets.’ We’d love to meet him in person.” Tonight, they’ll slip into saucy retro flight-attendant garb and deliver a “flight safety” lecture on anal sex. “People think the best way to do it is to get really drunk while the guy pretends he’s aiming for the front but misses,” said Ms. Taylor, conferenced in from the East Village, the epicenter of Manhattan dirty talk. “The lecture is that it’s something everyone can enjoy because everyone has a bum . Plus, we like the idea that, from now on, people will think of anal sex every time they see the flight-safety lecture !” Preview of lecture: “As far as emergency exits go, any quick and sudden departures can cause the anal muscles to tense and spasm more than usual-” Uh, we think our phone is cutting out …. Going through tunnel …. Bye!
[The Bowery Poetry Club, 308 Bowery, http://www.nerve.com/bigbang.%5D
Meet a young comic! Aaron Karo (“like the syrup”), 24, is a former frat-aholic who lives in Murray Hill. He’s the author of Ruminations on College Life , a book about his drunken exploits at the University of Pennsylvania, which we’re sure includes no anal adventures, and a contributor to CosmoGIRL …. “The editors asked, ‘Well, if you were an 18-year-old girl going to college for the first time, what would you do?'” he said. “And I’m like, ‘I dunno-suck everyone’s d*ck?’ Of course, they changed my answer to, ‘Guys totally kiss and tell!'” Those p*ssies! Tonight, Mr. Karo brings his salty schtick to Carolines on Broadway, trying to fan the “heat” around a potential sitcom deal for which he recently went to L.A. to take the proverbial meetings. “We have major players who are very interested, and I hope to be signing some deal by the end of the year,” he said. “Theoretically , I’m gonna write, produce, create and star, but again- theoretically.” We’ll check in with you later, sweet thing ….
[Carolines on Broadway, 1626 Broadway, 9:30 p.m., 212-757-4100.]