Holiday parties! We’ll try to maintain our dignity -what’s left of it after tumbling headlong down a set of stairs in an evening gown last weekend-at The Observer ‘s shindig at a seedy boîte somewhere in midtown …. ‘course we’re not telling you exactly where , silly! Here’s hoping our commercial real-estate reporter, whom our old hag of an editor says is a dead ringer for the late movie star Dana Andrews, brings his “crazy party shirt” and his glowstick …. Meanwhile, at the oak-and-black-steel John Varvatos boutique, Gruner and Jahr chief executive Dan Brewster , Rosie’s former boss, hosts a party for every picky eater’s favorite chef, Craft’s Tom Colicchio . Why Mr. Brewster is hosting the party we were unable to determine at press time, but make sure to swipe a copy of Mr. Colicchio’s new book, Craft of Cooking , for swift re-gifting later ….
[Our party, we'll never tell; John Varvatos, 149 Mercer Street, 6 to 9 p.m., 212-812-8088.]
Go to Elle ! Those homemaking honeys over at Elle Décor are having a holiday party. They’d better watch their backs: InStyle ‘s spin-off, Home , got Friend star ( Friend star? Friend ster?) Courteney Cox Arquette on its first cover! Meanwhile, don’t be surprised if Hannah Storm looks like hell tomorrow: CBS , the network of the Geritol generation, is having its own company bash . If you’re one of those white people who like to call Z-100 with “the phrase that pays,” attempting to give “shout-outs”: The radio station is having a Jingle Ball concert co-hosted by Jennifer Lopez (where she been?), plus MTV’s Tweedledum and Tweedledumber, Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson. Guest stars will include the curvalicious, Grammy-nom-hogging Beyoncé and her moody and soulful beau Jay-Z , whom we once totally freaked out at a party. Then change clothes and go to the much-hyped Crobar in Chelsea for some kind of opening. The owners are apparently hiring go-go dancers, drag queens, midgets and conjoined twins. “Bartender, make mine a double!” Thank you, we’ll be here all week ….
[ Elle Décor holiday party, ddc, 181 Madison Avenue, 6 to 8 p.m., 212-767-4590;
Jingle Ball, Madison Square Garden, 7 p.m., http://www.z100.com; CBS Christmas party,
51 West 52nd Street, 35th floor, 5:30 p.m., by invitation only; Crobar, 530 West 28th Street, 9 p.m., by invitation only.]
Gablevision: We were swamped, what with this “holiday special issue,” so we had special guest correspondent Elon R. Green rifle around in the press releases, and here’s what he came up with: Clark Gable (he of the worst breath in Hollywood) is panting all over Marilyn Monroe in The Misfits , a classic about cowboys, threesomes and Nevada, written by Arthur Miller. Thanks for the legwork, Elon, and by the way, what the heck has happened to the much-anticipated career comeback of Mr. Miller’s son-in-law Daniel Day-Lewis -or is he just a stay-at-home, p*ssywhipped daddy these days? Anyone? Anyone?
[Public Library, 127 East 58th Street, 2 p.m., 212-759-7358.]
Wang-chung tonight! Make that today: Wedding-gown goddess Vera Wang clambers onto the balcony of Bloomie’s to plug the men’s edition of her new fragrance, Vera Wang. Think warm tobacco and vintage leather with just a soupçon of sandalwood. “I adore men,” Ms. Wang wrote us, Naomi Wolfish–ly, in an e-mail that sounded, excuse us, a little canned , a little prepared -almost as if it had been put together by public-relations people (but maybe we’re just being cynical). “Because of the nature of the business I’m in, I’ve gotten to know men very well and have shared in some of their most special and intimate moments,” Ms. Wang’s cyber-communiqué continued. “So it seemed natural to me to create a fragrance that would inspire some of the most romantic, sensual and personal moments of their lives …. There is something so private and intimate about what happens between two people and I wanted to capture that magic with both the men’s and women’s fragrance. Scent is such an intimate experience between two people …. It becomes his familiar embrace, wrapping both him and her in comfort and assurance. So it’s a fragrance not only for him, but for her as well.” How modern. Bring a bottle to the dancing queens of the New York City Ballet, who are flitting at a benefit featuring The Nutcracker , the classic Balanchine ballet that’s been bringing families and anorectics together for decades! Afterward, everyone will tiptoe backstage to a “Land of Sweets” (untouched) to hug frail wannabe Claras. Honorary chair: that chipper soccer mom, Katie Couric.
[Vera Wang, Bloomingdale's, main floor/balcony, 59th Street and Lexington Avenue, 1 p.m., 212-705-2000; the Nutcracker Family Benefit, New York State Theater, Lincoln Center, 2 p.m., 212-870-5585.]
Calling all dominatrices! Bring your dark sunglasses, your latex cat suits and your uppers and downers to the Remote Lounge, where some voyeurs-”R”-us are tossing something called the Matrix Party -that horrible cheesy movie, an irrational favorite of guys we’d otherwise consider dating, will be broadcasting on multiple TV screens with all of its thinly veiled biblical metaphors. We called the number and were told in a classic desperate invitational ploy, “No one can be told what the Matrix Party is. You have to see it for yourself.” Whatever. Meanwhile, the rest of Manhattan’s TV screens are all aglow with the second half of the Mike Nichols–directed version of Tony Kushner’s Angels in America -where’s that box of Kleenex?-which, like most great works of art, is kind of a downer and an upper at the same time.
[Remote Lounge, 327 Bowery, 9 p.m.,
Jann, willing and able: Memo to Jann Wenner: If you’re trying to skew Rolling Stone “younger,” maybe it’s time to retire the private “Women Who Rock” concerts with people like Liz Phair and just use Beyoncé like everyone else …. (If your fat-assed boomers with no African-American artists in their collections will insist on going, bring sassy Slate editor Meghan O’Rourke, who penned a mean essay about Ms. Phair for the Arts and Leisure section of The New York Times – then watch the ensuing fireworks … ). Also today: Even though New York magazine’s mommy doesn’t appear to love it anymore, the mag is putting on a brave face and celebrating local “luminaries” (translation: random crew of famous people) at its annual New York Awards luncheon . The overexposed Tina Fey and the smart, underused actor John Turturro will shove awards at His Diddyness Sean Combs, Hillary Clinton, grouchy lefty Al Franken, architect Richard Meier, boyish actor Tim Robbins, horsey Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg and Kevin Kline (hope he brings sexpot wife Phoebe Cates!). Wonderful Town’s Donna Murphy will croon. We’re exhausted.
[Liz Phair, Bowery Ballroom, 6 Delancey Street, 7 p.m., 212-265-1191; New York Awards, Four Seasons Restaurant, 99 East 52nd Street, 11:30 a.m., by invitation only.]
Make mine a moneytini! Financial reporter Lynnette Khalfani (Dow Jones, Wall Street Journal , CNBC), a mercenary 35-year-old who finds the lack of financial literacy in this country “appalling,” fêtes her new book, Investing Success: How to Conquer 30 Costly Mistakes and Multiply Your Wealth . It’s a fund-raiser for institutions that help people manage their finances-pretty wild stuff. Guests will drink lurid green moneytinis and decorate a tree with $10′s, $20′s and $50′s. ” People always say money can’t grow on trees so we were like, actually it can !” Ms. Khalfani said to us, in a peculiar drawl. Is she from the South? “You know, people always ask that, but I was born in Manhattan! Now I live in West Orange, N.J., with my husband. I just have a twang, I guess!” Whatever works for you, sister …. Meanwhile, it was only a matter of time before the dog events and the singles’ events mated: Tonight, a singles’ mixer for dog fanciers with the S&M-sounding name “Leashes and Lovers.” Here’s co-host Michelle Kennedy, 30, who met her hubby Kevin in Central Park while he was walking a golden retriever. “It wasn’t even his! He was actually dog-sitting for a friend who was on his honeymoon. The dog turned out to be a terror ; his apartment had hundreds of dollars’ worth of damage! It broke his answering machine and the air purifier. He was like, ‘At least I got Michelle out of this.’” And now we have Michelle to bring the rest of us together. There will be prizes, music, the dreaded “icebreaker activities” and the inevitable “funny guy” working the dog-on-the-invisible-leash gimmick. Here’s the weird part: No dogs are allowed! “People will have a lot to talk about,” Ms. Kennedy said, a bit too insistently. “Do you ever meet those people who don’t have pets? It’s like, ‘What’s wrong with you?’ Dog people are extra-friendly, and they’re excited to meet people like them. They’re like, ‘Here are my people!’” Bring newspaper … to read.
[Book party, nice apartment on East 72nd Street-not The Paris Review , by invitation only; December Leashes and Lovers Cocktail Party, Club Nikki, 53 West 35th Street, 7 to 9:30 p.m., 212-239-9035.]
Frodo versus frozen: When he’s not out there bangin’ down doors and gettin’ scoops, our intrepid media reporter likes to recite the latest Lord of the Rings trailer in the creepiest voice ever …. The third installment (opening today) has apparently escaped the critical fate of the third Matrix , which everyone hatrix … so count us in! Or, if you like a challenge, hide under an Oliver Theyskens cloak and sneak into an advance screening of Cold Mountain , the movie version of Charles Frazier’s (kind of boring) novel, which stars naughty Jude Law , scrunchy Renée Zellweger and Nicole Kidman , poster girl for scorned women the world over. If you’re feeling particularly nervy, there’s a formal dinner afterward benefiting the City Parks Foundation : Just put on your elbow-length gloves, force a grin and you’re in ….
[ Cold Mountain screening, the Paris Theatre, 58th Street and Fifth Avenue, 6:30 p.m., by invitation only.]