Eight-Day Week

January 14, 2004 – January 21, 2004

Wednesday 14th

Forsomereason,we’d thought that Harry and Tina had moved back to bonny Britain years ago , after Tina’s magazine flopped and Harry was eased out of Random House , but it seems they’re still here! Today Harry-who dabbles in writing and racquetball-opens the doors of the couple’s duplex maissonette (with garden!) and offers up lunch meat to the winners of the Opinion Awards for The Week magazine. “Here’s the scoop,” said flack Jonathan Marder. “We wanted to announce the winners ahead of time, but there’s been kind of an embargo on that . But I can tell you which of the judges will be there! Mario Cuomo will be at lunch, along with Wendy Wasserstein “- New York mag’s new sister-in-law- “Karenna Gore Schiff , Harry and Tina , of course-oh, and Eric Alterman ! It’s that group.” Speaking of which, tonight Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie have their last bleach-flinging turn in The Simple Life , and not a moment too soon, might we add. You, meanwhile, are busy knocking over pottery at the New York Ceramics Fair . Of course, if you’re a member of the press you did this at the preview yesterday, so you hitch up the skirt of your ball gown and dash to a benefit for the American Antiques Show at the American Folk Art Museum . The honorary chair is editor Dominique Browning from House and Garden , spank mag of the Madison Avenue set. In other news, we recently found out the answer to the question: If our account balance is $0, can the A.T.M. still charge us the $2 service fee? So we show up for money-saving tips from author David Bach (The Automatic Millionaire: A Powerful One-Step Plan to Live and Finish Rich ) and take most of his advice. Mr. Bach, if you’ll remember, is the strategist who advised us all to relinquish our daily latte as a cost-cutting measure. He apparently does not realize that this latte makes our life worth living.

[ The Week Opinion Awards, Evans residence-wouldn’t you like to know where?-noon, by invitation only; the New York Ceramics Fair, National Academy of Design, 1083 Fifth Avenue; 11 a.m. to 7 p.m., 301-933-6994; the American Antiques Show benefit, Metropolitan Pavilion, 125 West 18th Street, 5 to 9 p.m., 212-977-7170; David Bach, Barnes and Noble, 160 East 54th Street, 7 p.m., 212-750-8033.]

Thursday 15th

Sightings: Page Six poobah Richard Johnson tossing his forelock and blowing out 50 candles alongside Teutonic lady friend Sessa von Richthofen at Marquee; Men’s Health editor David Zinczenko flexing his obliques as party host with sultry actress/girlfriend Rose McGowan on his beefy arm. Meanwhile, Robert Redford dismounts his steed and heads to Park City, Utah, to helm the Sundance Film Festival , the Cannes for those who can’t afford Cannes, where cocktail-party chatter revolves around Peter Biskind’s new snooze of a book, Down and Dirty Pictures: Miramax, Sundance, and the Rise of Independent Film . (You’d think there was nothing interesting left to say about Harvey Weinstein, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck-and you’d be right!) Members of the “industry” (freeloading writers, unctuous P.R. flacks, Mena Suvari) pretend to go to movies and then drink hot toddies and do class-A drugs.

[Richard Johnson’s 50th birthday, Marquee, 289 10th Avenue, 8 p.m. to 1 a.m., by invitation only.]

Friday 16th

Meet Georg Jensen! Or rather , pick up some of the silversmith’s best offerings , along with art nouveau, high-end folk art, miniature portraits on porcelain and other vintage American tchotchkes at the Antiques at the Armory show. “Americana Week in New York Is So Special!” according to the press release. Bless their hearts for trying.

[Antiques at the Armory, 26th Street and Lexington Avenue, 11 a.m. to 8 p.m., 212-255-0020.]

Saturday 17th

O.K., so it’s kinda cold out …. Even our parents back in Texas had to bring the pets in. So today we swaddle ourselves in cashmere and curl up in the seats at the American Museum of the Moving Image, where New York Post film critic Megan Lehmann introduces Gus Van Sant’s dark comedy To Die For , starring Nicole Kidman in her last watchable role as a skirt-swishing, murderous weather vixen. Based on the book by J.D. Salinger–boffing scribe Joyce Maynard.

[ To Die For , the American Museum of the Moving Image, 35th Avenue at 36th Street, Astoria, Queens, 2 p.m., 718-784-0077.]

Sunday 18th

The Divine Miss M. boogie-woogies over to the Garden for her “Kiss My Brass” concert. Our big-cheese editor has already cleared out the city’s supply of long-stemmedroses …. Everyone else donsa cheongsam they got half off from PearlRiver Mart and heads to the Hammerstein Ballroom, where New Tang Dynasty Television is hosting the Inaugural Chinese New Year Global Gala. It’s the Year of the Monkey , although the one on our back is still passed out on the couch.

[Bette Midler, Madison Square Garden, 8 p.m., 212-307-7171; Inaugural Chinese New Year Global Gala, Hammerstein Ballroom, 7 p.m., 646-296-7487.]

Monday 19th

Martin Luther King’s memory is honored today at the Brooklyn Academy of Music; Wynton Marsalis puts down his horn to deliver the keynote address. And isn’t it lovely that Bill Clinton’s former adulterous affair, Gennifer Flowers , is showing off her bulbs as she debuts in the mammary musical, Boobs! The World According to Ruth Wallis . What’s next? Monica Lewinsky in Wicked , Paula Jones in Hairspray , Susan McDougal in The Exonerated , Elizabeth Gracen in Taboo and Eleanor Mondale in Gypsy ?

[Brooklyn Tribute to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.-Come Share the Dream, Brooklyn Academy of Music, 30 Lafayette Avenue, Brooklyn, 10:30 a.m., 718-636-4111; Boobs! The World According to Ruth Wallis , Dillon’s Supper Club, 245 West 54th Street, 8 p.m., 212-307-9797.]

Tuesday 20th

East meets jest! What’s this? A stand-up comedy show, Chopshtick , with all Asian-American comics and no Margaret Cho? Phew ! We found Korean-born comedian Tom Teska at home in Inwood, about to fire up the PlayStation 2. “I just got back from an interview for an advertising copywriting job -I took off December to focus on stand-up a little bit more, but now the wife wants me to get back to work.” The nerve! Mr. Teska produced tonight’s show. “If an up-and-coming comic wants to get air time, they can either bark, bring or produce.” For those of you not on the circuit, “bring” means you guarantee to bring five friends and “bark” means you become one of those insufferable hacks on the street corner, handing out flyers asking, “Do you like stand-up comedy?” while the rest of us try not to punch you in the face. “Isn’t it terrible?! The problem is that the market is so saturated. There are so many clubs, so many shows and just not enough audience. It’s killer in the wintertime …. I was adopted and raised by white parents on Long Island,” the Deer Park native confided. “So you won’t find me doing the imitating-my-Asian-parents thing or the ‘I knew comedy was for me when I failed math’ kind of thing …. The big thing right now is Middle Eastern comics. Ever since 9/11, they’ve been getting so much air time. If only they’d invade North Korea, I’d be a star right now!” Save the material for tonight, sir!

[ Chopshtick , Gotham Comedy Club, 22nd Street between Fifth and Sixth avenues, 8:30 p.m., 212-367-9000.]

Wednesday 21st

Thespians thank God …. And not just in their acceptance speeches ! Who knew? At the Marble Collegiate Church, actresses gather to discuss the role that faith plays in their lives andcareers.(At our Biblestudythis week, we’re gonna talk Leviticus . And bring crumbcake!) Theestro-trifecta includes Arlene Dahl ,momofLorenzo( Snake Eater III ) Lamas; Caroline (Meatballs III ) Rhea; and Oscar-winner Marcia Gay Harden , whom we maintain was never better-or sexier-than in Miller’s Crossing , when she snarled at Gabriel Byrne , “You think you’ve raised hell …. “

[Marble Collegiate Church, 1 West 29th Street, 7:30 p.m., 212-686-2770.]aaa