Eight Day Week

Wednesday 17th

St. Patrick’s Day! Well, both of us gals have pretty pasty complexions (though one of us is just about to jet off for spring break- ¡olé! ), so we’re not too psyched about this one day of the year when green is chic …. If you’re thirsting for real “culture,” the Irish tenors-Anthony Kearns, Ronan Tynan and Finbar Wright (not as fat as the Italian ones)-are twirlin’ their shamrocks at the New Jersey Performing Arts Center (the thinking person’s Madison Square Garden) where they’ll sing from their new album, Heritage . We, meanwhile, will be safely sequestered at home, watching college B-ball ( “March Madness” ), chugging some vile brew with our favorite leprechauns. Avoid midtown at all costs.

[Irish Tenors, New Jersey Performing Arts Center, 1 Center Street, Newark, N.J., 8 p.m., 888-GO-NJPAC; March Madness, http://www.espn.com for schedule.]

Thursday 18th

Where is the Love? The celebrity train wreck that is Courtney Love screeches into the Bowery Ballroom-better duck! The pallid songbird shoved us out of the way at Coral Room a few months back (not cool, Court!) and tonight will sing ditties like “All the Drugs” and “Teenage Whore” -just the thing to convince that judge to reinstate custody of her daughter, eh? When your temple starts to really throb, head downtown for a battle of the fashion houses. In one corner, designer Cynthia Rowley (“zany,” hangs out with Rick Marin wife Ilene Rosenweig), who’s marked off her spring line 10 percent and is serving cocktails ( hic! ) to make you shop faster. In the other corner, clothes jockey Tommy Hilfiger , who is launching his new “premium” apparel line (which reminds us: How funny was it watching him get p*ssed on Rich Girls when he found that Ralph Lauren skirt in daughter Aly’s closet?). But, anyway, the line will be called “H Hilfiger,” and Carol Alt (big model back in the 1980′s, when we were in the womb), Miss U.S.A. Susie Castillo and someone from Third Watch are gonna model it for ya …. Also, it’s Awkward Moments Day! Like that time we tried to donate our pleather hot pants to a clothing drive … ouch.

[Courtney Love, Bowery Ballroom, 6 Delancey Street, 10 p.m., 212-533-2111; Cynthia Rowley sale, 376 Bleecker Street boutique, 6 to 9 p.m., 212-242-3803; H Hilfiger launch, Macy's Herald Square, 151 West 34th Street, 6:30 p.m., 212-695-4400.]

Friday 19th

MoMA Maria: Is it just us, or has there been no movie with true “gotta see that” pull for, oh, about six months? Anyone else just taking a pass on The Passion of the Christ ? Anyhoo … if you’re still behind on all the Oscar-nominated flicks, MoMA is rescreening The Cooler , starring the pudgy Alec Baldwin and blondie Maria Bello (sort of Diane Lane meets Liz Phair)-girlfriend lets it all hang out in this one …. Meanwhile, the many dog-mad denizens of Manhattan rush to sign up for a “Best Friends Weekend” in the Catskills, sponsored by the Blue Sky Dogs canine adventure company-a sort of Outward Bound for the pooch set , except not quite as taxing. “It includes really nice accommodations at a B&B where they’ll be able to bring their dog everywhere-downstairs in the living room, sleeping with them in their bed , anywhere!” said Tammy McCarley , 32, Blue Sky Dogs founder and N.Y.U. sports-management expert. “Well, within reason, of course-and provided they’re really well-behaved. Like if your dog is accustomed to jumping up on the kitchen table while people are eating, that’s not going to work.” Dog-friendly hikes, goodie bags, charming country auctions-it all goes down in Fleischmanns, apparently a town in upstate New York. Bucolic bonus incentive, according to Ms. McCarley: “There’s like a maple-syrup festival going on in the area.” Suh- weet !

[Best Friends Weekend, the Catskill Mountains, River Run Bed and Breakfast Inn, Fleischmanns, N.Y., 212-531-DOGS; The Cooler , MoMA Film at the Gramercy Theatre, 127 East 23rd Street, 2 p.m., 212-777-4900.]

Saturday 20th

Vernal equinox: Look, it’s a national holiday in Japan, O.K.? Also, a hippie thing. Super-early this morning, our very own urban shaman, Donna Henes , hosts a drumming circle and egg-balancing celebration on the docks, so get out those cotton socks and shapeless Marimekko shifts …. After you’ve returned your bongos to storage and threaded the beads and tofu crumbs out of your hair, make a muscle and head to the Big Apple Grapple championships at the Intrepid Sea-Air-Space Museum, hosted by the New York Arm Wrestling Association . Before you start doing keg-stands with sailors on the West Side, pack off your spoiled children to the Children’s Museum to get skinny and spiritual at a kids’ yoga class (there is something deeply disturbing about kids doing yoga-but then again, there is also something deeply disturbing about fully grown adults carrying around play mats and plastic Nalgene bottles) …. Then take a deep cleansing breath for the Black Party , some mysterious 18-hour pagan ritual. Lord, where’s Susanne Bartsch when you need her?

[29th Annual World Famous Vernal Equinox Celebration: A New Pink Moon Equinox, bring drums, noisemakers and spirit, South Street Seaport, Pier 16, 1 a.m., (1:49 a.m. equinox); Big Apple Grapple, Intrepid Sea-Air-Space Museum, West 46th Street at Hudson River Park, free with regular museum admission, 10 a.m. to 4:30 p.m.; YogaKids, 2, 3 and 4 p.m. sessions, Children's Museum of Manhattan, 212 West 83rd Street, 212-721-1234; Rites XXV: The Black Party, 11 p.m. to 3 p.m. Sunday, Roseland Ballroom, 239 West 52nd Street, 212-674-8541.]

Sunday 21st

Spring it on, baby! It’s the first day of spring -time to bust out our little pleated skirts, to male editors’ eternal delight and confusion …. Off Broadway, a bawdy new play called Seeking Eden opens. The plot: The largest snowstorm in history rages outside a small American town, but a lesbian named Eve Gentile must keep her family’s porn shop, the Garden of Eden Pleasure Palace, open-because famous porn star Lily Luscious is scheduled to sign autographs later that evening. Ms. Gentile awaits Ms. Luscious’ arrival while in the company of her Elvis-impersonating stepbrother, Chester the Molester , and a septuagenarian college professor. (Excuse us while we tamp our fevered brow.) “It was inspired by this mom-and-pop porn shop I worked at during college, ” said writer and Brandeis alumna Sheila Morgan, 33. “A lot of the characters are based on people I knew while I was working there. The professor was inspired by an old man who kinda came in regularly once or twice a week. I thought it was really endearing how very unapologetic he was about it. He didn’t make any bones about why he was there, and I thought it was refreshing. He’s a nice example of the more progressive amongst the older generation, which can often be pegged as being anal-er, uptight-about sex.” There’s also an abused wife, Mary, on whom Eve has a big crush. “I see Eve, Lily and Mary as representing the three halves of womanhood,” said Ms. Morgan, clearly not a math major. “I didn’t want to pound the religious motif over people’s head, but Lily represents the first truly independent woman -for which she was exiled from paradise. That tells us a lot about the patriarchal society we’re living under.”

[ Seeking Eden, the Trilogy Theatre, 341 West 44th Street, second floor, 8 p.m., 212-352-3101.]

Monday 22nd

Bloom booms: But first! A final Sex and the City aftershock (gentle reminder: um, that TV show owes its existence to a column in this newspaper?): Producer Darren Star , who also unleashed Brian Austin Green into the collective female consciousness, comes to lecture at the Museum of Television and Radio. Ask him why all the male actors on the program were so hideous. Then leave five minutes early and scurry down to the “Villahge,” where prof Harold Bloom will be sighing wistfully and discussing “Theatre and Religion: The World’s Oldest Couple” with Angels in America playwright Tony Kushner (who makes a very nice couple indeed with Mark Harris, the sole brain on the Entertainment Weekly masthead). Congratulate Mr. Bloom for surviving Naomi Wolfe’s self-publicizing fatwa , then allez-vite to L’Alliance Française,whereauthor Salman Rushdie is hosting some kind of reading-with hors d’oeuvres by the bewitching Padma (one can only hope!).

["The Imagination of Darren Star," 6 to 7:30 p.m., Museum of Television and Radio, 25 West 52nd Street, $15; Harold Bloom and Tony Kushner: "Theatre and Religion: The World's Oldest Couple," the Jack H. Skirball Center at N.Y.U., 566 La Guardia Place at Washington Square Park, 7:30 p.m.,

212-992-8484; Walter Mosley and Chris Abani, hosted by Salman Rushdie with a reading by Alfre Woodard, Florence Gould Hall, L'Alliance Française, 55 East 59th Street, 7 p.m., 212-355-6160.]

Tuesday 23rd

Gail force: New York Times editorial-board editor Gail Collins joins publishing types Dawn Davis, Anne Messitte and Lynn Goldberg on a panel of “Women to Watch” sponsored by the Women’s National Book Association , oft confused with the lady B-ball team …. Ask Ms. Collins where exactly she’s stashed Maureen Dowd’s brain for the past three years, and feel the empowerment! Later, put on your deconstructed tutus at a benefit for the Stephen Petronio Company’s 20th anniversary, organized by Imitation of Christ designer Tara Subkoff , artist Cindy Sherman (women’s studies majors at Radcliffe love her; we say she’s more self-referential than Dawson’s Creek ), and whale zealot/NASA artist-in-residence Laurie Anderson (also her husband, the wrinkly, low-key hunk Lou Reed ). On the program: The Island of Misfit Toys , which is where we’ll feel we’ve landed if we’re seated alongside that old smoothie, Mikhail Baryshnikov , at the private dinner afterward …. Nutcrack this, baby!

["Women to Watch," Time and Life Building, 1271 Sixth Avenue, eighth-floor auditorium, 6 p.m., 212-452-9690; the Stephen Petronio Dance Company 20th Anniversary, performance at the Joyce Theater, 175 Eighth

Avenue, 8 p.m., 212-242-0800.]

Wednesday 24th

Film snobs! The New Directors/New Films festival opens at Lincoln Center with Jim McKay’s Everyday People , something about Brooklyn-hey, it totally wowed the spoiled trust-fund jerks at Sundance! If that’s sold out, hit the ever-reliable 92nd Street Y for a dismal-sounding seminar on “Using Internet Dating Sites to Find Love and Romance,” taught by Men’s Health columnist Ron Geraci. But if Ron really knows how to get you laid, he’d tell you to get the hell off the Internet and sprint to Soho House, where New York’s most eligible Jewish bachelor, Eric Richman , is hosting a night of comedy along with lady comic Becky Veduccio . (Geez, how fast did it take for the once-exclusive Soho House to become Catch a Rising Star?) “English people are so dull in New York because they don’t do the same amount of coke as they would in London,” Mr. Richman told us. Now that’s funny! Later, Nylon magazine -the New Yorker of the supermodel set-has a fifth-anniversary party with a black-tie carnival theme. Go on stilts.

[New Directors/New Film festival, Everyday People , Alice Tully Hall, Broadway and 65th Street, 212-777-4900; Ron Geraci seminar, 92nd Street Y, $30; Comedy Hour, 8 to 9:30 p.m., Soho House, 29-35 Ninth Avenue, members only; Nylon 's fifth anniversary, Marquee, 289 10th Avenue between 26th and 27th streets, 9 p.m. to midnight, by invitation only.]