Eight Day Week

Wednesday 31st

Take out your boob (the one you married) and lug him to Battery Park to watch Janet Jackson try to steal attention back from bosom buddy Courtney Love …. It will be televised on Good Morning America , which says there will be a five-second delay “for obvious reasons,” though the real question is why they haven’t imposed a five-second delay on Diane Sawyer to protect viewers from being flashed by unctuous chatter …. Uptown and 12 hours later , saloon keeper Elaine Kaufman presides over a bash for A.E. Hotchner’s new book, Everyone Comes to Elaine’s , the silly title of which sounds like a TV commercial for Red Lobster …. Meanwhile, Sex and the City author Candace Bushnell slides her slender fingers around a fountain pen encrusted with 4,810 diamonds to write the first sentence in a blank 1,000-page book which the people at Montblanc pens will then hustle around the country, where the “Great American Love Story” can be continued, sentence by sentence, by anyone who drops by one of their boutiques. Then The New Yorker will excerpt the results, with photos of some of the female entrants wearing camisoles …. (O.K., we’re kidding. We hope.)

[Janet Jackson concert, Battery Park, 6 a.m., http://abcnews.go.com for more information; Everyone Comes to Elaine’s book party, Elaine’s, 1703 Second Avenue, 6 p.m., by invitation only; “Great American Love Story,” Montblanc Boutique, 598 Madison Avenue, 7 to 9 p.m., by invitation only, 646-654-3426.]

Thursay 1st

Czech mate! Sports Illustrated cover model Veronica Varekova greets stalkers and signs things at Macy’s tonight. We caught the Czech Republic beauty on vacation in Florida, enroute to Fishers Island . Was she surprised to make the cover? “They keep who made the cover a secret until the last minute,you know . I found out on a Monday morning when I thought I was going to do a job, and my agency was in on it, so when I opened the hotel-room door there was a TV crew and it was a little bit of a shock. Let’s put it this way, my life was changed for the next three weeks because I was doing all these shows like Jay Leno, Charlie Rose , Fox and Friends . I had no life for a while there, but now I’m back to normal , I think! Career-wise, they’re calling with offers for movie parts , which is definitely something I don’t want to do, so that’s funny. I have respect for the craft but, you know-you can’t be an artist if it’s just not in you …. ” (Tell that to 90 percent of Williamsburg inhabitants.) Her fiancé, Petr Nedved, plays for the New York Rangers. “We met through mutual friends a few years ago and I didn’t really like him at first , but we bumped into each other a year ago and he was a little persistent to get my number, and, well, little by little …. We’re getting married the third of July. It’s going to be in Prague. Lots of planning to be made!” Meanwhile, Laurie Gwen Shapiro married an Aussie and named her daughter Violet O’Leary, and now she has a book out called The Matzo Ball Heiress . “I live in one of those old-lady garment-worker socialist buildings which has now gone capitalist,” she said from the Lower East Side. “The idea for the book came because I live a few blocks from Streit’s Mazos , which really dominates the Rivington Street area near red-hot places like Schiller’s.” Bonus dirty excerpt! “He’s already a champ in my book, but he ups the ante by sucking my right breast until my nipple is rock hard. ” Tonight she ups the ante herself by reading at Barnes and Noble, the thinking person’s Schiller’s .

[Veronica Verekova appearance, Macy’s Herald Square, Perry Ellis Department, second floor, 5 to 7 p.m., 212-494-4624; The Matzo Ball Heiress , Barnes and Noble, 4 Astor Place, 7:30 p.m., 212-420-1322, party afterward at Scratcher, 209 East Fifth Street, 212-477-0030.]

Friday 2nd

Can Pataki spell “potato”? All we know is, he’s quite capable of plunking an unneeded, traffic-inducing nightmare right in the middle of Manhattan -hmm, does anyone else think the reason the Governor and the Mayor are foisting a new Jets stadium on us might have something to do with the fact that Jets owner Woody Johnson is a fat-cat contributor to the Republicans ? No, we didn’t think so, either …. Meanwhile: Who’s the best speller in New York? Statewide spelling-bee championships take place throughout the country-ours is in Albany -and N.Y.C. sends plucky contestants from St. Bernard’s (George Plimpton’s alma mater), Ramaz and Collegiate, who will stand in front of microphones and get their brace-wires in a twist. If you don’t want to go as far north as Albany, hop off the bus at 67th Street for “Spring Crafts Park Avenue” at the Armory, where we’d like to think that everything is spelled in folkloric script and dusted late at night by wee wood sprites ….

[Spelling Bee, New York State Museum, Cultural Education Center, Albany, noon, 845-297-9052; Spring Crafts Park Avenue, the Seventh Regiment Armory, Park Avenue and 67th Street, 3 to 8 p.m., 800-649-0279.]

Saturday 3rd

Look what a mess religion has come to: In honor of the upcoming Easter holiday, the Hard Rock Café offers “Breakfast with the Bunny” today …. And out in Brooklyn, the Brooklyn Academy of Music hosts “The So-Called Seder .” Which is quirky. Or something . It includes hip-hop remixes of Pessach classics. Which is how the Beastie Boys got started.

[Breakfast with Bunny!, Hard Rock Café New York, 221 West 57th Street, 9 a.m., 212-489-6565; the So-Called Seder, B.A.M. Café, 30 Lafayette Avenue,

Brooklyn, 9:30 p.m., 718-636-4111.]

Sunday 4th

Aprilshowers,Macy’s flowers: April weather is unpredictable, which means the annual Macy’s Flower Show will be held indoors. Nigh on one million bulbs and 30,000 different varieties of plants and trees from six continents will hide the new Tommy Hilfiger collection from our weary eyes. Arrive early and catch the pet-acular fashion show, where some of the city’s hip critters will sashay down a catwalk in the latest pet couture. If your tykes tire of topiary , and they happen to measure between 54 and 56 inches, pack them off to Coney Island to get a free ride on the rickety bones of the Cyclone (born 1927!). Which should free you up to catch l’try critic Michael Groden lead a discussion on Ulysses -just hope he doesn’t quiz the audience, unless (unlike us) you made it past Stephen’s stroll on the Strand.

[30th Anniversary Macy’s Flower Show, Macy’s Herald Square, 212-494-4495; Kids Measure Up for Cyclone Rollercoaster, Coney Island Astroland, 1000 Surf

Avenue (corner of West 10th Street), Brooklyn, 11 a.m., 718-265-2100; “Critics and Brunch: Michael Groden on Ulysses ,”

11 a.m., 92nd Street Y, 1395 Lexington

Avenue, 212-415-5500.]

Monday 5th

Spring means drag queens! And if you’re not droopy from losing an hour -alas, cruel daylight saving time! -hit the “21” Club’s early lunch in honor of Tartan Day, which is sure to be filled with men in kilts. (We can’t decide whether they look hot or flaming.) Sotheby’s also couldn’t resist celebrating Tartan Day-sort of the WASP version of Succoth -and so hairy legs will abound at a “Dressed to Kilt” fashion show, chaired by (who else?) Sean Connery . Models include bouncy actor Kyle MacLachlan (a descendant of Johann Sebastian Bach-who knew?!), Kip (“What’s left to sell after the eggs?”) Forbes and quick-footed publisher Jason Binn . Judges include giantess nightclub promoter Amy Sacco, well-married publicist Desiree Gruber (“That’s Mrs. Kyle MacLachlan to you!”) and Democratic party girl Patricia Duff ….

[Tartan Day, the Jack Room, “21” Club, 21 West 52nd Street, noon to 2 p.m.,

212-941-3988; Dressed to Kilt, Sotheby’s, 1334 York Avenue, 7 p.m., 212-242-9353.]

Tuesday 6th

Is e.e. coming? Nope, but it’s National Poetry Month , so the Academy of American Poets steps up and hosts a benefit. Senator Edward M. Kennedy squeezes in among some Hollywood types- Meryl Streep, Kevin Kline, Mary-Louise Parker (the thinking man’s Nicole Kidman )-at Alice Tully Hall as they all deliver some po- ems. We’re hoping Uncle Teddy recites some Dylan Thomas while swigging from a hip flask ….

[“Poetry and the Creative Mind,” Alice Tully Hall, Lincoln Center Plaza, Broadway and 65th Street, 212-721-6500.]

Wednesday 7th

People who don’t drive- they get driven -turn out in their Tuleh for the New York International Auto Show’s gala at the Javits Center , to benefit the East Side House Settlement; your hosts include Marina Rust Connor, Gigi Mortimer and Susan Fales-Hill …. (Anyone else think the city should just turn the Javits Center into a big indoor pool?) Just up the road, the be spectacled Dominick Dunne will reach deep into his bag of tricks and pull out stories of cons and consequences at the “Crime and Punishment” evening hosted by “humorist” Andy Borowitz …. If you like your playwrights British and sexy, Tom Stoppard chats at the New School as his play Jumpers readies itself for Broadway.

[New York International Auto Show gala, Jacob Javits Center, 6 to 11 p.m., by invitation only; “Crime and Punishment: Stories of Cons and Consequences,” the Players Club, 16 Gramercy Park South, 7 p.m., members only (to join, call 212-742-0551); “A Conversation with Tom Stoppard,” the New School, Tishman Auditorium, West 12th Street, 6:30 p.m., 888-NYT-1870.]