Eight Day Week

Wednesday 21st

“They can be so messy, noisy and temperamental,” said Susan Chamberlain, speaking not of Manhattan men but pet birds -”pets that are often discarded,” according to Ms. Chamberlain, president of the Long Island Parrot Society and owner of nine birds, who live with her in a glass house . “They’re very long-lived. People need to think about them in their will . I’ve got one on my shoulder right now-Cracker, get over here!- It’s like having a perpetual 2-year-old.” We can think of no greater nightmare, honey …. Tonight, the bird-brained flit to the aptly named Babylon Village to hear a panel of avian experts caw …. Meanwhile, back at base camp (a.k.a. Henri Bendel), sexy authoress Wendy Straker tells how to find your dream job by applying the rules of dating, whatever the h*ll they are these days …. Shoshanna Gruss (née Lonstein) -hey, does she still design dresses for busty ladies, or was that just something to keep her bustling about until she found a rich husband ?-and WABC news correspondent GiGi Stone join her.

[Long Island Parrot Society meeting, American Legion Post 94, 22 Grove Place, Babylon Village, 7:30 p.m., 631-957-1100; Girl's Nite Out, Henri Bendel, 712 Fifth Avenue at 56th Street, 6 to 8 p.m., 800-HBendel.]

Thursday 22nd

Did the earth move? It’s Earth Day , so swathe yourself in loose, forgiving garments and take your favorite hippie to Jonathan Adler, where the natty prepster potter -the young husband of our own Simon Doonan-is hosting the launch of Kelly Wearstler’s latest coffee-table accessory, a book called Modern Glamour: The Art of Unexpected Style . Unexpected, indeed! Ms. Wearstler is the Playboy Playmate turned interior conceptualist who annoyed “legitimate” designers by doing neon well . Meanwhile, at Calvin Klein, too many Hearsts join several women who actually work at a preview party for Cynthia Lufkin’s Safe Horizon Champion Awards Luncheon -wait, a preview party for a lunch ? Have you all gone mad? A little later, India. Arie (we love ya, sweetie, but lose the dot) sings at Condé Nast Traveler ‘s Hot List party ( little-known secret : Our Big-Cheese Editor toiled for some time at the Traveler , though he hasn’t actually left the country in 25 years). If you have the energy, run home and switch to monochromes for the Young Lions’ annual benefit for the New York Public Library , themed this year, with some brazenness, to Truman Capote’s 1966 Black and White Ball. Who you’ll munch Oreos with: unappealingly Uma-less actor-writer Ethan Hawke , yet another Hearst (Amanda), luscious Observer alumna Candace Bushnell , that little bald fellow Moby and a guy with a lotta wavy hair and a way with the ladies: John Kerry stepson Chris Heinz !

[Kelly Wearstler at Jonathan Adler, 47 Greene Street, 6:30 to 8:30 p.m., by invitation only; Safe Horizon Champion Awards Luncheon, Calvin Klein, 654 Madison Avenue, 6:30 to 8 p.m.; Condé Nast Traveler Hot List Party, Hotel Gansevoort, 18 Ninth Avenue, 7 to 10 p.m. by invitation only; Black and White Dance, New York Public Library, Fifth Avenue and 42nd Street, 7 p.m., by invitation only.]

Friday 23rd

GQ in Miami- Hola ! Will-o’-the-wisp editor Jim Nelson , part of a “Royal Wee” coterie of sub-six-foot media power players that includes New York ‘s Adam Moss , new New York Times Book Review editor Sam Tanenhaus and Cargo ‘s Ariel Foxman (did we miss any?), throws a party at the Raleigh in honor of GQ ‘s beach issue, whose cover is graced by the horsy model Karolina Kurkova . We called DNA Models, only to be told by Ms. Kurkova’s agent that she wasn’t even going to be there. “Ha ha ha,” he all but snorted. “She’s working .” Jimbo, are you aware of this? If JetBlue is booked, case the Manhattan Vintage Clothing Show for Betty Page–ish undergarments, or the New York International Art and Antiques Show (missed the preview last night- oopsie ) for fancy WASP tchotchkes.

[ GQ Beach Issue Celebration, the Raleigh, 1775 Collins Avenue, Miami Beach, 9 p.m. to 1 a.m., by invitation only; Manhattan Vintage Clothing Show, Metropolitan Pavilion, 125 West 18th Street, 1 to 7 p.m., 518-434-4312; New York International Art and Antiques Show, Seventh Regiment Armory, Park Avenue at 67th Street, 11 a.m. to 7 p.m., 212-472-1180.]

Saturday 24th

Double up on $5 lattes, ’cause this is an early one: Remember the Newlyweds episode where pop star Jessica Simpson ate cupcake icing for promotional photos till she nearly hurled ? Well, those were for her new body-care collection Dessert Beauty , which she celebrated at Marquee last night, and which she unloads this morning at Sephora, everyone’s favorite McMakeup emporium. The line includes Hot Body Topping , Belly Button Love Potion Fragrance , Whipped Body Cream , etc. After her publicist had us think up all sorts of clever questions and e-mail them over, she wrote back: “Unfortunately, Jessica is in the midst of traveling and we can’t have these questions answered. Also, they wanted to make clear that they are trying to stay away from the word ‘edible’ and would like to communicate that the collection is kissable, lickable and tasteable .” Oh, semantics …. If you’re like us and wake up at the crack of noon , the unsinkable Katie Couric is doing another colorectal-cancer fund-raiser on the world’s largest ocean liner, Queen Mary 2 -a somewhat questionable choice of venue considering the distress that ocean-liner fare has caused colons and rectums worldwide …. Say ahoy to celebrity maties Glenn Close (underused actress), Antonio Banderas (now with street cred thanks to Nine ) and SNL ‘s secret slavedriver Tina Fey , who will apparently be leaping about belting tunes by Richard Rodgers , if our information is to be trusted.

[Dessert Beauty launch, Sephora Times Square, 1500 Broadway, No. 304, 10 a.m. to noon, 212-944-6789; Some Enchanted Evening, Queen Mary 2 , http://www.eifoundation.org for more info.]

Sunday 25th

Don’t hit snooze! You’ll miss the legendary Guarneri Quartet and its startlingly handsome violinist, Arnold Steinhardt , celebrating their 40th anniversary at the New School, where they’ll be performing Arriaga , Beethoven and some exquisite Schumann . Meanwhile, there’s a Women’s Health Symposium at the Y-make sure not to miss the 2:15 p.m. lecture on midlife sex (an oxymoron, or so our midlife friends tell us) …. Later, startlingly handsome chef Daniel Boulud holds a spring gala dinner (ramps, etc.) benefiting Citymeals-on-Wheels at his eponymous flagship- the place to score another bottle of the 1945 Chateau Latour that little Junior polished off with his Choate friends last weekend ….

[The Guarneri String Quartet, John L. Tishman Auditorium at the New School University, 66 West 12th Street, 3 p.m., 212-243-9937; Savoring Citymeals, Daniel, 60 East 65th Street, 6 p.m., 212-687-1290; 92nd Street Y Women's Health Symposium, 1395 Lexington Avenue, 9:15 a.m. to 4:15 p.m., 212-415-5500.]

Monday 26th

Caine and able! What is it all about, Alfie? Veteran actor Sir Michael Caine is fêted for his fine films (try not to bring up Blame It on Rio ) at Avery Fisher Hall. Shake it with his wife, Shakira-no, not the Mexican Jessica Simpson …. Time Out magazine’s coyly titled “Eat Out Awards” pits Montrachet’s Drew Nieporent against Fiamma’s Stephen Hanson and Keith McNally of Pastis, Pravda, Schiller’s, blah blah blah . Rachel Dratch from SNL will host-honestly, when do these people rehearse ? In another part of town, men are donning pink button-downs like the doomed metrosexuals they are while women slip into diaphanous gowns for the Hot Pink Party benefiting the Breast Cancer Research Foundation: a Lauder here, a Rothschild there, a Pataki everywhere …. Your mistress of ceremonies: Elizabeth Hurley , in something snug and plunging; bangin’ on the keyboard will be Elton John and his spangles and jangles …. Cut out early and investigate if the Met’s Costume Institute Benefit , co-chaired by scrunchy-faced actress Renée Zellweger , is really no longer the party of the year, as we’ve been hearing. It’s always amusing to see Vogue editor Anna Wintour and other white people bump ‘n’ jive to the hip-hop entertainment, which this year will be the frighteningly smooth Pharrell Williams …. Weird fact of the evening: Party guest Hugh Jackman , an actor, has a CD coming out-oh, you incorrigible Aussies !

[Sir Michael Caine gala tribute, Avery Fisher Hall, Lincoln Center, 7 p.m., 212-875-5630; the Hot Pink Party, Waldorf-Astoria, 301 Park Avenue, 7 p.m., 646-497-2606 Costume Institute Benefit, Metropolitan Museum of Art, 1000 Fifth Avenue, 10 p.m., by invitation only; Time Out New York 's Eat Out Awards, Tribeca Rooftop, 2 Desbrosses Street, 6:30 to 8:30 p.m., by invitation only.]

Tuesday 27th

If you ask us, the whole “pregnancy” gig is a little barbaric, a little Alien , if you will. (A parasite taking up residence inside you, feeding off you for nine months and then suddenly bursting forth? No, thanks .) But if you don’t see it our way and have insisted on getting yourself preggers , mellow model Veronica Webb is co-hosting a maternity trunk show. Westchester Astrovans vroom into town, their drivers spilling out to try on togs from Diane von Furstenberg , Chaiken and Earl Jeans and sip smoothies and sparkling cider (non-alcoholic, natch ) …. Later: a bevy of benefits, but the only one we really care about is City Harvest’s Practical Magic Ball (neither practical nor magic-discuss amongst yourselves), M.C.’d by sexy man-boy Bill Hemmer, a.k.a. CNN’s Hugh Jackman. “Is that what I am? I’m flattered! I’ve never met Hugh but I guarantee you he doesn’t get up at 4 a.m.!”

[Spring 2004 maternity trunk show, 1321 Madison Avenue, 5:30 to 8:30 p.m., 212-570-0401; Practical Magic Ball, the Pierre, Fifth Avenue at 61st Street, 7 p.m., 212-874-5474.]

Wednesday 28th

Rich girls got book deal! It’s the inevitable collision of The Nanny Diaries meets Bergdorf Blondes : Jill Kargman (daughter of Chanel C.E.O. Ari Kopelman) and Carrie Karasyov (daughter of Doyle’s Auction House founder William Doyle), buddies since their hair-flipping days at Spence , have co-authored a tome called The Right Address , an acidic societal roman à clef about living in the city’s most exclusive building, the fictional 741 Park Avenue . The launch party is at-what’s this?-a very un-Chanel store, Club Monaco. Bonus not-really-that-dirty excerpt: “Maria fixed Morgan his favorite drink of scotch and soda. She handed it to him dramatically before plopping on the sofa next to him with just enough effort for the slit in her bathrobe to fall open up to her thighs, revealing her black lace teddy and garter belt …. ” Bonus lingerie tip: simple white cotton underthings can be just as effective ….

[ The Right Address book party, Club Monaco, 6 West 57th Street, 6:30 to 8:30 p.m., 212-886-2320.]