My Favorite Dominatrix Orders Her Clients: Vote for Kerry!

The conventional political wisdom is that the 2004 Presidential election will be decided by events that have yet to occur. However, I believe that just such a paradigm-shifting event has already occurred. In fact, I can tell you precisely when it happened-at 12:29 and 34 seconds on Monday, May 17.

That’s when I received an e-mail from Goddess Severa, a dominatrix I know. The subject was “Severa Endorses Kerry,” and she went on to explain that even though we can’t let the terrorists win, she doesn’t believe that President Bush’s doctrine of pre-emptive war is the way to go. “I find his policies extremely scary and offensive,” she wrote-and this from a woman whose Web site boasts images that would make Pvt. Lynndie England blush.

Indeed, the Kerry endorsement came in response to a note from a fan of Severa’s who predicted that George Bush would be a one-term president. “I really like the pic where you are wearing a silver short dress showing your beautiful legs and have this little guy’s hands tied behind his back,” he added.

Come to think of it, before I analyze the Presidential contest, perhaps I ought to explain what I was doing in Goddess Severa’s Yahoo chat group in the first place. A few months ago, I wrote a piece in Penthouse examining the tall woman/short man phenomenon. Among the couples I mentioned in my piece were Mayor Michael Bloomberg and his statuesque girlfriend, Diana Taylor; the pixieish Arthur Schlesinger and his Amazonian better half, Alexandra; and Henry Kissinger and his ceiling-scraping wife, Nancy.

Who better to explain this mutual attraction, I thought, than a 6-foot-5 dom with legions of diminutive male disciples. And indeed, Severa was extremely helpful when she showed up for our interview at a Greek coffee shop on the Upper East Side, looking absolutely stunning in a chocolate-colored La Perla bustier.

“I had a lovely slave who would take me to La Perla all the time,” she sighed. “He even signed a contract to me in his own blood. But then there was the problem with his wife.”

In any case, I figured that Bush must be in trouble if dominatrices, who typically prefer to avoid publicity, are publicly calling for his overthrow. Furthermore, it’s been assumed that President Bush’s opponents reside in the so-called blue states. But Severa has a substantial Midwestern as well as international following.

Jerry Skurnick, a Democratic political consultant, challenged my contention that the goddess’ endorsement marked a crossroads in the Presidential race. “The problem with these tipping points is, you notice them after the election,” he explained. “A friend of mine says Bush One lost the election when he threw up in the lap of the Japanese prime minister. Carter lost it when the two helicopters crashed together in Iran. I don’t think we’ve reached the tipping point. Is this a personal dominatrix you know?”

I countered that Severa’s wasn’t the first unconventional political solicitation I’ve received, just the latest. A few months ago, my wife and I bought a couch at a store upstate. A few days later, we received an e-mail from the store asking us to support a bake sale to defeat Bush. For all they knew, we were Republicans. “We did get some negative feedback,” admitted Dana Simpson, whose family owns the store, the Hammertown Barn in Pine Plains, N.Y.

Then there was the forwarded e-mail I received from Catherine Owens, an Irish artist friend and stage designer for U2, asking me to wear red on Fridays between now and Election Day. The idea, the e-mail explained, originated in 1940, when Norwegian mothers knitted red caps for children to protest the Nazi occupation.

As bad as things are getting, I’m not sure we’re there yet. Besides, the only red garment I own is a pair of winter-weight socks. T-shirts are coming soon, Catherine reported, after attending a red-themed dinner party last week in Battery Park City. “A bunch of us are going to do stenciled T-shirts for our group, and that’ll be it,” she explained. “Nobody has the finances to get up the Web site and the MasterCard. I quite like the slogan ‘More trees and less Bush.’”

Even strippers from Scores are getting into the act. Lonnie Hanover, the Scores publicist, admitted that the girls traditionally haven’t proven especially reliable, let alone politically active. In fact, his greatest challenge as a strip-club publicist is getting the girls to show up for interviews. But the ladies are so riled up by the treatment that Howard Stern, a Scores regular, has received at the hands of the F.C.C., Mr. Hanover claimed, that they’ve started button-holing customers before and after lap dances.

“Very often, the dancers sit and talk to the customers as well as dance,” he explained. “They have been suggesting that everyone register to vote. The primary function was to support Howard. The girls have actually gone and learned politics. Many are first-time voters.”

Lo and behold, the ladies are so upset that one of them, an entertainer by the name of Chase, called to tell me of just such a conversation she’d had with a client from Florida. Seems the two of them were sitting around sipping champagne in the rosy afterglow of her performance when they got into a conversation about Howard’s difficulties.

What sparked the conversation was Chase’s appearance on Mr. Stern’s show that very morning, along with several of her bouncy, bubbly brethren, to promote Scores’ new West Side club.

When Mr. Stern’s E! channel show suddenly appeared on the club’s TV screens, featuring Chase’s star turn, her customer expressed surprise that the program was still on the air, since he lives in a Clear Channel market where Mr. Stern was pulled.

“He asked the typical questions,” Chase said (of Howard, not her date): “the last time we had sex; the last time we had sex with a woman.”

As much as I would have liked to know her answers, I didn’t think it relevant to my inquiry or the electoral landscape, so I tossed her off a question of a more substantive political nature: If the Presidential election were held today, who would you rather have sex with, Bush or Kerry?

Chase gave it some thought. “I’d rather have sex with myself,” she finally answered, which sort of says it all.

Getting back to Goddess Severa: I decided to give her a call to try and gauge what, if any, impact her Kerry endorsement might have in November. “I do have over 6,000 members,” she told me, referring to her Web site, Goddesssevera.com. “They’re not all as obedient as I’d like them to be. I do have a few very dedicated slaves who would do anything I wanted if it would make me happy.”

I told Jerry Skurnick I thought the dominatrix might be good for five or six votes. He sounded impressed. “She can really deliver votes?” he demanded. “That’s already more than a district leader can deliver.”