Eight Day Week

Wednesday 25th

“We want to put the audience in a good romantic mood so they all go home and get lucky!” cackled Jonathan Karp , Random House’s horny editor in chief, who writes musicals in his spare time. “We think this is valuable community service we’re performing; we’re hoping to raise the birth rate for New York City!” Get it? The 40-year-old Brown grad was on his way to a rehearsal for How to Save the World and Find True Love … in 90 Minutes. Plot: A cowardly United Nations tour guide, a sexy diplomat and an idealistic slacker risk everything as office romance leads to global crisis. Sounds like our last “offair.” Has Mr. Karp ever found true love in 90 minutes? “I haven’t found it at the United Nations, I tell you that, and I even took the tour!” Meanwhile, apparently undaunted by the increasingly self-parodying Sunday Styles section and encouraged by God-knows-what sort of sadistic consultants, The New York Times has decided to start a Style Magazine , launched tonight at a party at Barneys tossed by Times Magazine editor Gerald Marzorati and Barneys chief executive Howard Socol. Come watch The Times piss a pot of money away! The poor sucker of an editor, Stefano Tonchi , forces a smile as pale-faced Times men, after too many wine spritzers , throw their arms over his shoulder and tell him their latest “sexy” ideas for the new magazine…

[ How To Save the World and Find True Love … in 90 Minutes , the Lucille Lortel Theater, 121 Christopher Street, 1 p.m., 212-279-4488; New York Times Style Magazine launch, Barneys New York, 660 Madison Avenue,

6 p.m. to 8 p.m., by invitation only.]

Thursday 26th

It’s no secret that gyms are breeding grounds for all manner of incubating viruses and mysterious rashes, so they’re having to come up with new ways to lure people, such as New York Sports Club’s politically themed week, including an “Inaugurate Voterobics” class and punching bags masked as John Kerry and George Bush. ” We’ll even have a live 500-pound elephant and a donkey outside the club to get people in the spirit,” said NYSC spokeswoman Cindy Carrasquilla. Which candidate does she think has the hottest bod? “Well, we have a poll on our Web site that says more people find Kerry attractive,” she said. You know it-just ask his interns! Meanwhile, if you’re looking to find babes for “protester sex” (see inevitable forthcoming Amy Sohn article in New York magazine), Wendy Tremayne , 36, an artist and “producer of creative projects” who lives in Williamsburg, is offering free yoga classes to all anti-Republican activists and artists. “I feel it’s the least I can do,” said Ms. Tremayne, who admitted she’d been feeling the strain herself, having just completed a five-month project titled Vomitorium 2004 . “I know how stressed out I was feeling,” she said. “I started thinking about all the activists, protesters and artists who, like me, were going to go dead broke , all for a cause, and I just started thinking everyone should do yoga! … I’m hoping that if the word gets out, then perhaps other yoga studios will be inspired to do the same.”

[www.newyorksportsclub.com; Free Yoga for Activists Working on R.N.C. Projects, 17 West 18th Street, eighth floor, 7 p.m., for activists and artists only, gaiatreehouse.com.]

Friday 27th

Pissed-off protesters continue to turn up in the city in search of free booze and possibly sex with New School faculty members (hey, Bob Kerrey-!) And hey -can anyone tell us why liberals can’t seem to argue? Colin Quinn took on the entire staff of Air America a few weeks back and reduced them to blithering, angry idiots. But we digress: Brace yourself for convention-themed comedy. To wit: “The coolant light is out and I’m scared me and my Volkswagen are going to blow up on the highway!” said comedian Kathleen Madigan, apparently doing a bit as she drove around L.A. last week in advance of her stand-up performance in New York tonight. She swore she’s not a babe: “It’s not like I come out onstage and people are like, ‘Who’s that hottie?’ I don’t come out looking like a hooker, because that’s just distracting. I’m 5-foot-1 and look like everybody’s cousin or neighbor. Guys don’t ask me out after the show -they just ask me to go out drinking with them!” The 38-year-old Missouri native will be doing a fake George W. Bush press conference tonight: “I love it when he says ‘In other words … ‘ for words that don’t need other words. Like he’s dumbing it down for us, even though we got it the first time.” And in an event which risks a high hippie quotient, guru/author Ram Dass -who told your parents to “Be here now!”-lectures on “Service as a Spiritual Path” at the Open Center.

[Kathleen Madigan, Carolines on Broadway, 1626 Broadway, 8 p.m., 10:30 p.m., 212-757-4100; An Evening with Ram Dass: Service as a Spiritual Path, New York Open Center, 83 Spring Street, 7 p.m., 212-219-2527, ext. 110.]

Saturday 28th

If you’re crazy enough to be in the Hamptons, wake up early, read the New York Post -hey, anyone else notice lately that the bigger Richard Johnson’s name appears on “Page Six,” the worse the column is?-and ride your bike to Amagansett (Is it a Hampton? We’re still not sure … ) to squeeze the heirloom tomatoes at the Great Tomato Taste-Off. Then peddle over to Sag Harbor (a Hampton? … ) for a John Kerry fund-raiser (fingers crossed that his bonkers wife and flasher daughter will be there) at the home of Marilyn Appel and Gordon Gould (gazillionaire, invented the laser). If you’re crazy enough to be in town, you can shout through that giant red megaphone -the Freedom of Expression Monument-in Chinatown, or let Margaret Cho shout at you in her one-woman show, State of Emergency , at the Apollo. If sports are your thing, Details editor Dan Peres hauls Andy Roddick to the Whisky Park bar at the W Hotel-Ian Schrager’s chain hotel with a white linen dress code-on Lexington Avenue, while Wilson- the tennis-racket company with the best cursive logo ever-blows out 90 candles at its swishy anniversary bash at the W Hotel on 39th Street. (All this and it turns out the real W. is only going to spend, what, five hours in N.Y.C. during his convention-how gracious of him.) But first, Governor George Pataki -who’s been joking he’ll run for President in 2008-and our favorite side-talking Mayor kiss and make up long enough to bribe, er, throw the media a party called “Media Welcome” in the Time Warner building. More drinks are swilled at some swampy place named The Tank on West 42nd Street as lefty members of Drinking Liberally team up with the New York Young Republican Club for “Sleeping with the Enemy: A Bipartisan Affair.” “The city is going to feel very divided throughout the week, so we Democratic New Yorkers decided to throw a bipartisan party!” said Justin Krebs, one of the founders of the left-leaning club, which meets once a week to share ideas and beer. “Drinks will be served in red and blue cups. We’re discussing whether to have green cups for Nader. And maybe black cups for the anarchists? As of now, it’s a cash bar-” Click !

[Great Tomato Taste-Off, the Apple Orchard, Amagansett, 9 a.m. to 12 p.m.; Kerry-Edwards fund-raiser, 69 Fourteen Hills Court, Sag Harbor, 5 p.m. to p.m., 917-991-6726; Freedom of Expression National Monument, Foley Square, Centre and Pearl Streets; Margaret Cho, Apollo Theater, 253 West 125th Street, 7 p.m. and 10 p.m., 212-531-5305; Andy Roddick party, Whisky Park, the W New York Hotel, 541 Lexington Avenue, 8 p.m. to 11 p.m., by invitation only; Wilson Code White Party, Icon, W Hotel, 130 East 39th Street, 8 p.m., by invitation only; Media Welcome gala, Time Warner Center, 10 Columbus Circle, 8 p.m., by invitation only; Sleeping with the Enemy: A Bipartisan Affair, The Tank, ground floor, 432 West 42nd Street, 9 p.m., 212-563-6269.]

Sunday 29th

Back in the innocent month of May, Hizzoner promised that the Republican National Convention wouldn’t be comprised of “bad cocktail receptions.” But he didn’t say anything about bad theater (just kidding!). Tonight, The New York Times offers delegates a “Salute to Broadway”: a delegate can choose from eight shows, including The Lion King , and still have plenty of time left over to go out for beers in the East Village, get into a shouting match with a nose-ringed, clove-cigarette-puffing protester, and end up sleeping with her when she finds out he’s got a suite at the Plaza. First, of course, said delegate stops by Roseland for a big rosy bush of Republicans, hosted by Jenna and Barbara Bush, with some, er, celebrities (rap star Andre 3000, actress Angie Harmon and the ever-amusing Stephen Baldwin ). If you’re in the ho-ho-Hamptons and have had it up to here with the hos and horsies, Peggy Siegal hosts a private screening of the Johnny Depp vehicle Finding Neverland. Watch Kerry stepson Chris Heinz clink glasses with social butterfly Fabian Basabe (wears preppy clothes, goes to every party, for some reason sits on every charity’s junior committee, was photographed dancing with one of the Bush girls, not sure if it was the drunk one or not).

[ The Lion King , New Amsterdam Theatre, 214 West 42nd Street, 5 p.m., by invitation only; Hampton Classic Horse Show, 240 Snake Hollow Road, Bridgehampton, 631-537-3177, 8:30 a.m.; Finding Neverland , 43 Hill Street, Southampton, 7 p.m., by invitation only; R.N.C. opening bash, Roseland Ballroom, 239 West 52nd Street, time T.B.A., by invitation only.]

Monday 30th

Eggers over easy? You still haven’t figured out a way to get this week off and go someplace far, far away? Give your MetroCard a swipe and travel to Brooklyn for some literary elbow-rubbing with author Dave Eggers and his McSweeney’s posse, who have put out a new anthology of humor writing, Created in Darkness by Troubled Americans. “It is my understanding that it will be the usual bag of McSweeney’s surprises,” says Dan Kennedy, McSweeney’s contributor, who added that he mainly knew Mr. Eggers through e-mail. Booze will be available-Brooklyn Lager. Of course. Plenty more to do: Monday is the new Thursday after all, and the dependable Upper West Side plays host for Planned Parenthood’s “Stand Up for Choice ” extravaganza urging Republicans to support the freedom to choose (good luck with that one). Who to expect : smoky Lou Reed, angry Lewis Black , Cynthia Nixon (now with bleach!) and the ubiquitous Moby. No word if Gap model Sarah Jessica Parker is expected. The evening promises comedy, music and “heart-warming stories by top-name celebrities.” Next! More Times news: Wee publisher Arthur (Pinch) Sulzberger Jr. pours on a posh cocktail reception at the Frederick P. Rose Hall (which really means the new Time Warner Center). The Gray Lady’s flack, Toby Usnik, kept his lips firmly clamped about who would be there or even who was invited (“a cross-section of distinguished New Yorkers and Republican guests.”) Crash strategy: shove some twigs in your hair and tell ‘em you’re Verlyn Klinkenborg …. A scooter ride south at Cipriani, Rock the Vote and the Edison Electric Institute salute the House Republican Caucus (who the hell are they?) to the live musical stylings of soul singer Angie Stone . Easier still would be to forget all of this, take the No. 7 train out to Flushing and help kick off the first day of the U.S. Open. Thwock!

[ Created in Darkness by Troubled Americans reading and signing, 826NYC center, 372 Fifth Avenue, Brooklyn, 8 p.m., http://www.826nyc.org; Stand Up for Choice Extravaganza, Beacon Theatre, 74th Street, 8 p.m. to 10 p.m.,

212-308-7171; Arthur Sulzberger Jr. cocktail reception, Frederick P. Rose Hall, Broadway at 60th Street, 6 p.m. to 9 p.m., by invitation only; Rock the Vote after-party concert, Cipriani's 42nd Street, 5:30 p.m., 212-499-0599; U.S. Open, Arthur Ashe Stadium, Flushing Meadows, Queens, 11 a.m., 1-866-opentix.]

Tuesday 31st

Keep Alec away from the ice cream! The Creative Coalition -you know, actor types who stress their play group is not composed of politically like-minded individuals-throw their second benefit gala of the season. The first was held in blue Boston, this one in red, rogue New York-just to make it clear that there’s no partisan pandering here. Activisto types Alan Cummings, Liev Schreiber and a few Baldwins hold down the fort alongside everyone’s favorite conservative, John McCain. Horny Bill Clinton alert on high. Or are you a brainy fella, eh? Then maybe you’d prefer the Imagine Festival’s Justice Day, if your idea of “justice” is listening to one guy recite the entire contents of The Iliad and The Odyssey starting at 6:30 a.m. “I imagine these two together will take between 55 and 70 hours,” said 44-year-old marathon reader Marshall Weber. “I start at sunrise and keep going. I don’t generally eat a lot. I have my special teas and special juices. Pineapple juice-big opera-singer favorite-is great at keeping you moist; it has a balanced pH. I have a crew of about a dozen who will feed me bits of bread and olives, and sheep or goat cheese.” ( Wait -are you actually Graydon Carter?) Anyway: Why these two tomes? “They are classic books about the ethics of war-and really, in that sense, especially where I am doing it, it is a piece about New York. It’s important to set war in its historical context.” Somewhere, Jenna and Barbie are still in bed, deciding which Leela Rose to wear this eve at the Yacht club, where-uncharacteristically!-the Brits at The Economist pay for drinks.

[ Iliad and Odyssey reading, Vietnam War Veterans Plaza, then Staten Island Ferry Terminal, 6:30 a.m., 718-383-9621; "Celebrate the Spirit of New York," New York Yacht Club, 37 West 44th Street, 9:30 p.m., by invitation only; Creative Coalition benefit, Spirit, 530 West 27th Street, 10 p.m., http://www.creativecoalition.org.

Wednesday 1st

Shhhhh … don’t tell the protesters! Phyllis Schlafly, who puts the “C” back in conservative , and the Republication National Coalition for Life invite you to celebrate the anti-abortion cause at a “Life of the Party” lunch at Tavern on the Green. According to its Web site, the R.N.C. for Life was formed on the principle of upholding the Republican position that “the unborn child has a fundamental individual right to life which cannot be infringed.” Who wants a drink? For a $125 ticket, you’ll receive a three-course meal, a performance by the Alex Donner Orchestra and an awards-like ceremony honoring Congress’ most active pro-life members-plus the unique opportunity to hear the word “life” bandied about a couple of thousand times . “The event is practically sold out,” said Alexandra Preate, whose company organized the festivities. “We expect almost 450 people to attend.” Expect speeches from CNN favorite Ann Coulter and 2003 Miss America winner Ericka Harold, and to see, somewhere out in the wilds of Central Park, a barely organized group of protesters hacking through brush with machetes, trying to find Tavern on the Green. Tonight, our un-gay Governor throws a very straight bash, “Amigos de America,” at the Copacabana. If Mr. Pataki brings his hottie son, Teddy, ask him to dance. The invite promises salsa and tango-can’t imagine which constituency they’re playin’ to …. More promising is the event thrown by the Friends of John McCain -and, really, who doesn’t love that guy?-at Cipriani honoring both the Senator and wife, Cindy McCain . Incongruous entertainment supplied by SNL alumnus Darrell Hammond and Joe Piscopo. “The Senator was a guest host on Saturday Night Live about a year ago and is a big fan,” explained the event’s rep, John Weaver. “He played Frank McCourt in one of the skits, and both Frank McCourt and Malachy McCourt are expected to attend.” Wild stuff! Finally, the company that gave us both Visine and Viagra , Pfizer Inc., honors Rudolph Giuliani – former N.Y.C. hero, current G.O.P. showgirl-at the Rainbow Room as the Count Basie Orchestra performs. Are we there yet?

[The Life of the Party, Tavern on the Green,

Central Park at West 67th Street, 1 p.m. to 3 p.m., 800-339-4016; Amigos de America party,

Copacabana, 560 West 34th Street, 11 p.m. to 2 a.m., by invitation only; Friends of McCain party, Cipriani's 42nd Street, 10:30 p.m. to 1:30 a.m., by invitation only; Pfizer Inc. honors Rudolph Giuliani, Rainbow Room, 30 Rockefeller Plaza, 10:30 p.m. to 1 a.m.; by invitation only.]