It’s Raining Republicans! Here’s How to Hook One

Girls! They’re on their way-the Republicans are coming! And one of them is your future husband. It’s just that simple. Next week, 50,000 Republican revelers-most of them men-are coming to town, and one of them has your name tattooed on his butt. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

I don’t want to hear a lot of ideological whining. It matters not that you’re a committed Democrat! A shared belief system is not a prerequisite for a successful marriage. There is, in fact, nothing more smarmy and annoying than a couple with deeply held shared beliefs. Where’s the fun in that? My mother was a Tory and my Dad was a Socialist: Their volcanic political disagreements were therapeutic and entertaining for themselves and for everyone within earshot, which was often quite a lot of people. The contemporary tendency to surround oneself with “like-minded” folk promotes inertia and idiocy. This may also be the reason why you find yourself alone: You keep ditching men who don’t agree with you about absolutely every bloody stupid little thing.

So gird your loins and prepare to snag yourself a Republican husband.

Here’s more good news: While Democrats seem to prefer earnest women in dropped-waist denim dresses, ankle socks and Mephisto sandals (see Tipper Gore), Republicans have a much higher tolerance for self-indulgent uptown glamour (see Georgette Mosbacher). As a Republican spouse, you have total carte blanche to Get Dressed, which is very much what the fall 2004 fashion season is all about.

The autumn collections have already arrived in the stores. Here are some dos and don’ts to guide you through your frenzied weekend of preparations:

DON’T flaunt yourself with plunging décolleté. This season, the high-necked blouse is back! Yes,the1980’sMargaret Thatcher blouse, tie-neck (Marc Jacobs, $995) or turtle (Prudence at Barneys New York, $265), is everywhere!Giveyourblousea soupçon of sexy modernity by wearing it sans brassiere!

DO give yourself a new face. Republicans love cosmetics. (See, again, Georgette Mosbacher, the former C.E.O. of La Prairie.) Your makeover buzzwords are “sexy” and “competent.” Think Raquel Welch circa 1966; think Hilary Swank in the new Calvin Klein undie campaign. Start with a faceful of Chanel Voile Universel foundation ($38.50 at Chanel counters). It contains S.P.F. 15, which could be handy if you get stuck outside Madison Square Garden in any roadblocks or security checks.

DON’T leave the house next week without a bump-toe high heel of some description, e.g., Dries Van Noten or Marc by Marc Jacobs. The look you’re going for is Vargas Girl meets secretary.

DO buy a tight, straight skirt. There are loads to choose from: If you’re rich, go for the textured cotton number from Narciso Rodriquez (Barneys, $700); otherwise, try Theory or Club Monaco. Please note: You cannot run in a pencil skirt. If a hostile anti-Bush demo turns nasty and you need to flee, you must remove the skirt immediately. Leave the heels on in case of broken glass.

DO be the first to ditch your denim. Take your overly extensive, unbelievably depressing and overpriced jeans collection, shove it in a bag and drag it to the Goodwill. If you must wear blue denim, get the new jeans kilt from Burberry ($360).

DON’T underestimate Ann Taylor. This season Ann Taylor is reissuing the classic A.T. shirtdress with crinoline from 1954 ($199). Very Mamie Eisenhower. Log onto the peppy Web site http://www.Iamanntaylor.com (“oh, the Annticipation”) and reserve one immediately.

DON’T let your Republican splurge on jewelry-it’s a total waste of money. Yes, the oversized brooch is the accessory of the season, but the cheap baubles look just the same as the expensive ones. See the selection at Lord and Taylor, where prices start at $24.

DO allow your new Republican boyfriend to splurge on an Astrakhan duffel bag from Lanvin-for you, not him!-$28,220 at Barneys. (On an otherwise fairly unremarkable fashion landscape, by the way, the fall Lanvin collection by Alber Elbaz is insanely gorgeous and totally worth marrying a conservative geek for.)

DON’T assume that your new political hotshot is straight, especially if his best friend is an Israeli ex-sailor.

Happy hunting!