I am writing to you to express my concerns about your psychological condition and, more importantly, the condition of your hair.
Your coiffure has become what the Jewish people of my acquaintance call “a total shanda !”
Is it your hair, or your nerve endings?
Seriously, Courtney: I feel you may be underestimating the importance of a well-maintained hairdo to your general well-being. Like many of today’s celebs, you are your hair. (See Nicole Kidman.) If you can improve the condition of your hair, all the other problematic aspects of your life will improve and fall into place. Your entire life is hair-contingent. It’s just that simple!
I have taken the liberty of consulting with beauty expert Scott Patric on your behalf. From Naomi Campbell to Angelina Jolie, Mr. Patric has helped many celebrities regain their equilibrium through hair therapy.
He prescribes the following emergency treatment for your tortured, bleached frizz: a mayonnaise and olive-oil poultice. Here’s the recipe:
Take one 12-ounce jar of vitamin E–enriched Hain Safflower Mayonnaise ($2.89 at most health-food stores; Hellmann’s will do in a pinch) and mix it with one 8.4-ounce bottle of that fabulous new couture Oliviers and Co. premium olive oil ($18 at Grand Central Terminal and elsewhere). Apply liberally to the scalp and cover in Saran Wrap. Wait half an hour. Alleviate your boredom by popping in a video/DVD.
Courtney, there is a specific movie which I would like you to watch while Scott’s poultice works its magic. This must-see is called The Trip Back and stars Florrie Fisher (“Classroom Scare Films, Vol. 3,” $19.99 at http://www.MoviesUnlimited.com).
“Who the hell is Florrie Fisher?” I hear you screeching in your inimitable fashion.
Well, Courtney, Florrie is a former junkie/prostitute. The Trip Back is a documentary film that covers one of her many speaking engagements in the late 1960′s. Amy Sedaris created Jerri Blank, her much-missed Strangers with Candy character, after viewing Florrie.
Ms. Fisher, like yourself, was a middle-class girl who took a number of wrong turns. She did a total of 17 years in prison. Florrie then became an anti-drug crusader … I think. It is actually quite hard to tell exactly what she is trying to accomplish.
In The Trip Back , you will see her smoking and braying like a lunatic at a group of high-school kids who watch her in shocked incomprehension as she details her “23 years of living with nothing but gutter-hypes [ sic ] and junkies.” Florrie has clearly embarked on this mission way too early in her recovery process. But so what? At least she’s entertaining!
“So what the f*ck has this got to do with me?” I hear you asking, not unreasonably.
Courtney! Here’s the deal. You could be the next Florrie Fisher. Think about it: You could go round to all the high schools in America and rail at all the kids about the evils of drugs-or about anything you want. It would be a total gas, and you would be back where you belong, in the spotlight.
Once you have finished the video, remove the Saran Wrap. Most of the olive oil and mayo will have been absorbed by your hair. The residue can be either scraped onto a salad or, better yet, washed out with a mild shampoo (Gil Ferrer Purifier 2, $14 at Gil Ferrer, 21 East 74th Street).
Can I hear your follicles saying thank you?
Now comes the fun part: your new look!
Before you embark on your career as an anti-drug crusader, you will need to get rid of that terrible bleached-out color. Scott recommends a Roux Fanci-Full Rinse in Frivolous Fawn ($5.99 at Ray’s Beauty Supply, 721 Eighth Avenue).
Now call Scott Patric at 917-407-0164. He will rush chez vous , or chez votre rehab , and give you a Kim Novak upsweep (think Vertigo ). Not only will this hairdo give you a scholarly appearance, it will hide all the breakage.
One final tip: Stop careening into public without your sunglasses! Your startled, buggy-eyed appearance is not helping your situation. Try the new aviators from Prada ($250, available in August).
Let me know if I can be of any further service.
Yours, in a kind and caring way,
P.S. Instead of the crazy-making drugs you are obviously taking, try silky-smooth Ativan-also known this summer in the Fire Island Pines as Addagirl!