March 30, – April 6, 2005

Wednesday 30th

My goodness, my Guinness! Some lessons learned this week: We’ve given up on taking the subway, at least when it’s raining ( Moby-Dick or no Moby-Dick, the delays get our rage on); keeping a scale in the apartment does not inspire; other people actually enjoy Tony Danza; and New York Times Styles writer Nikki Finke loves her some marzipan. Speaking of the Plaza and all other things vaguely Eloise-y, quirky British handbag designer Lulu Guinness has a new book, Put On Your Pearls, Girls! “I was always charmed by the whole world of Eloise,” said Ms. Guinness. The book, an illustrated guide complete with pop-ups, dispenses the pithy wisdom that the very rich actually live by and use to numb themselves to the fact that their money likely came from some people doing some rather nasty things to some other people many years ago. Wisdom such as: “Less can be more-but some times more is more” and “If you’re feeling fat-why not shop for accessories?” ( sigh). The illustrated alter ego of Ms. Guinness is always clad in a Breakfast at Tiffany’s ensemble, with (natch) a good strand of pearls. “You can never get tired of them, and you can always go back to them,” Ms. Guinness pointed out with unnerving confidence. This evening, Sotheby’s hosts a cocktail party and private viewing of Ms. Guinness’ popular handbags, which will be exhibited at the auction house. There will be a mini Lulu Guinness shop with all sales going to a good cause (the Children Affected by AIDS Foundation). Attention, penguins: The invitation calls for “festive black and white,” but Ms. Guinness will no doubt be easy to pick out. “I’ve been instructed to wear bright red,” she said. “I’ll be easy to find!” Moving on and south, Matt (“Plugs”) Lauer interviews the slimmer-than-ever Bryant (“Growl”) Gumbel at the Museum of Television and Radio in celebration of the 10th anniversary of Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel. Tonight, there’ll be a screening of “the more dramatic and intriguing stories from the past 10 years”. And finally, what would an evening be without a random party at Crobar? Tonight, an unholy marriage of CNN and Gotham magazine ( bada- BIN!) produces cocktails and an “evening of entertainment” featuring the new hosts of CNN’s Headline Primetime: A.J. (not Benza) Hammer and Karyn Bryant, Nancy Grace, Mike Galanos and Erica Hill (we’ve never heard of them, either) and a private concert by the Wallflowers (fronted by dreamy yet sulky Bob Dylan spawn Jakob Dylan; who knew they were still a group?).

[Sotheby's cocktail party for Lulu Guinness, Sotheby's, 72nd Street and York Avenue, 7 to 9 p.m., by invitation only; Matt Lauer interviews Bryant Gumbel, Museum of Television and Radio, 25 West 52nd Street, 212-621-6600; CNN and Gotham party, Crobar, 530 West 28th Street, 6:30 p.m., by invitation only.]

Thursday 31st

Crazy like Fox: Nothing tastes zestier in the morning than a little right-wing conspiracy (goes with everything like rye toast). This morning, The New Yorker trots out writer Ken Auletta for a “Conversation With Roger Ailes” at Bryant Park Grill (keep Mr. Ailes away from the deep fryer!). We remember Mr. Auletta’s lengthy hatchet job a bout Mr. Ailes, chairman and C.E.O. of the Fox News Network, last year, but apparently Mr. Ailes is either big on forgiveness or is just your garden-variety maniac. Regardless, there’s a continental breakfast! Meanwhile, as the weather turns warmer and the nights stretch out like a sinewy, unwashed yoga teacher, nothing says “summer” quite like a bike ride (well, that and the ice-cream man). What better time, then, to hear a lecture on the history of the bicycle? David Herlihy, author of the newly published Bicycle: The Histor y, peddles on over to the International Poster Center to tell you stuff like the fact that Pierre Lallement is the original patentee of the bicycle. See, those wacky French do think of everything. The lecture kicks off a bicycle-themed poster exhibition, including works by our favorite wee drunk, Toulouse-Lautrec. Even more highfalutin is the John Simon Guggenheim Memorial Foundation’s celebration of its 80th anniversary with a literary reading. “This is the first time in history that this has been offered to the general public,” said Richard Hatter, director of development. “Everyone who is reading is a fellow, and we have a great lineup.” Expected to read will be Princeton prolificator Joyce Carol Oates, fun-to-say name Jhumpa Lahiri, Jamaica Kincaid and, interestingly enough, Eric Bogosian (remember him?). Two bucks to whomever can correctly identify poet Galway Kinnell! Much more gussied up will be the black-tied crowd at the Lotos Club on the Upper East Side for the Music Festival of the Hamptons. We’ll make an exception to this mention of the Hamptons while still in March, if only because the lovely Kitty Carlisle Hart is a chairwoman and Itzhak Perlman is on the advisory board. There will be cocktails, followed by a concert performed by preteen “virtuosos” ( meep) and dinner. Expect Long Island lockjaw and real martinis, none of that appletini hoo-ha ….

["A Conversation with Roger Ailes," Bryant Park Grill, 25 West 40th Street, 8 a.m.; Bicycle lecture, the International Poster Center, 601 West 26th Street, 13th floor, 5:30 p.m., www. posterauctions.com; John Simon Guggenheim Memorial Foundation literary reading, the Great Hall of the Cooper Union, Third Avenue and Astor Place, 7 p.m., http://www.gf.org; the Music Festival of the Hamptons, the Lotos Club, 5 East 66th Street, 6:30 p.m., 212-737-7100.]

Friday 1st

It’s April, fool! H elloooo, cruelest month, you that put poor Viv Eliot in the bughouse! April mixes memory of warm weather with desire for all-new clothes! To answer the question, what could possibly be better than an Asian art fair? Two Asian art fairs, of course! First up, the International Art Fair regroups from its gala preview last night to kick off six days at the Armory on Park Avenue. Look for items such as the bronze 11-headed Rajnaparamita (goddess of wisdom and compassion, sort of like Garfield). Or there’s the 14th Annual Arts of Pacific Asia Show at the Gramercy Park Armory. Or pack it all in and see Sin City … we’ve been waiting forever for a Mickey Rourke comeback! (Just between us, we think he’s had some work done …. ) Expect to see: every comic fanatic (a.k.a. skinny white Weezer-loving geeks in scuffed cords and boat shoes) waxing poetic about good versus evil. Sigh

[The International Asian Art Fair, Seventh Regiment Armory, Park Avenue at 67th Street, 11 a.m. to 7:30 p.m., 212-642-8572; New York Arts of Pacific Asia Show, Gramercy Park Armory, Lexington Avenue at 26th Street, 11 a.m. to 8 p.m., http://www.caskeylees.com; Sin City, for showtimes and listings http://www.moviefone.com.

Saturday 2nd

Do not be alarmed by the excessive amount of plaid around town: It’s Tartan Day, and the Scots once more try to throw their pale drinky selves into the same league as the Irish (but with better legs and accents!). Before the boozin’ comes the cruisin’: The parade starts at 45th Street and marches north on Sixth Avenue. (If you want a Scotsman to take a swing at you, point out that the Irish get to have their parade on much swankier Fifth Avenue …. ) Expect redheads, kilts, bagpipes and a lot of bristling burrs. Meanwhile, high jinks and laughs ensue as the Inner Circle, an 83-year-old posse of the city’s past and present political reporters, hold their annual roast and musical satire of the Mayor and other public figures. “We rehearse for two and a half months,” said Jim Harney, president of the Inner Circle and deputy suburban editor of the Daily News. “We’ll no doubt poke fun of the Mayor fighting with the Dolans; or at Pataki and his wife; or even at Martha Stewart still having an ankle restraint.” The whole shebang is for charity ( phew). But don’t poke too much fun at New York’s junior Senator, folks, unless you want the F.B.I. to suddenly start poking around your garbage. Remember what happened to the White House travel office!

[Tartan Day Parade, 45th Street and Sixth Avenue, 2 p.m., http://www.tartanweek.com; the Inner Circle, Grand Ballroom, New York Hilton, 53rd Street, 8 p.m. 212-326-6107.]

Sunday 3rd

Spring forward! Listen, it doesn’t matter how flagitious the weather continues to be … say goodbye to your seasonal affectation disorder and a big hello to leaving work while it’s still light and watching fat hairy men drinking beer outdoors with their shirts off! Adorable! Meanwhile, the mighty Scots are still trying to knock a dent in this city with the first annual ScotArts party, celebrating the opening of the Brits Off Broadway Festival at the 59E59 Theaters, which features 11 new theater works from the U.K., including Scotland. “This whole thing got started to get the idea across that it’s not all about kilts and tartans and pipers,” said Peter Tear, executive producer of the theaters. “What the Scottish Arts Council is about is that there are at least 12 leading playwrights in the world working out of Scotland. People don’t think of Scotland as cutting-edge.” Hell, we saw Trainspotting! Tonight’s party will have Scottish cuisine ( err … ). Expect to see: Barry Humphries or his alter ego, Dame Edna, as well as Tim Curry and the cast of Spamalot in jovial moods. And what of Scotland’s most famous export? “I talked to Sean Connery,” said Mr. Tear. “He was here for Tartan Day last year. I hope he’ll still come. Maybe he’s just playing hard to get.” That gets us every time. If you’re tired of all things Anglophile, see a small production of the play that put Six Feet Under creator Alan Ball on the path to HBO lucre, Five Women Wearing the Same Dress. The play centers around five Southern bridesmaids (wearing the requisite horrible outfit that anyone who has had the supreme pleasure of being in a “friend’s” wedding party can tell you cost them a bundle and was designed specifically to make one uglier than the bride). Meanwhile, the Cherry Lane Theater-that sweet Off Broadway venue nestled deep in the West Village-throws a gala to celebrate its 80 years with a reading from the great Edward Albee and the cast of Slag Heap performing an excerpt from their show. Being honored will be the playwrights A.R. Gurney, Marsha Norman and Michael Weller, with a champagne reception ( pop!).

[ScotArts Party, 59E59 Theaters, 59 East 59th Street, 7 p.m., by invitation only; Five Women Wearing the Same Dress, Manhattan Theater Source at Washington Square Park, 117 MacDougal Street, now through April 5, 8 p.m., 212-501-4751. Cherry Lane Spring Gala, 38 Commerce Street, 6 p.m., 212-989-2020.]

Monday 4th

Spring stirrings …. It’s opening day for the Mets ( thwwwwwack!) and the reopening of the Shake Shack for all the fatties in the Flatiron district. Hooray! But first, one more lit bit: Humorist Roy Blount hosts a shindig celebrating writers and writing to benefit the Authors Guild Foundation at the swanky Metropolitan Club. Expect heavy hitters (earners) including Mary Higgens Clark (don’t go upstairs!), Michael (“I © Dinos”) Crichton and John (“I have more money than Stephen King”) Grisham. More benefiting is going on at the Food Bank for New York City’s 2005 Can-Do Awards Dinner. Stanley Tucci is one of the honorees (along with the Altria Group Inc. and the Metropolitan Council on Jewish Poverty-wait, there are poor Jews besides the ones in publishing?). Mr. Tucci promises to put some pants on (remember he got naked and veiny on Broadway). Intriguingly, Steve Buscemi is stepping into the role of celebrity auctioneer.

[Authors Guild Award for Distinguished Service, Metropolitan Club, 1 East 61st Street, 6:30 p.m., 212-838-7400; the 2005 Can-Do Awards, Cipriani 23rd Street, 6 p.m., 212-675-9474.]

Tuesday 5th

Honk if you love Tony Danza! Sure, maybe we can’t figure out what he’s doing at Feinstein’s at the Regency on Park Avenue, but he’s there tonight through the 16th. Let’s just move on. This evening, celebrities read their favorite poems as part of ” Poetry and the Creative Mind,” a benefit for the Academy of American Poets. Celebs who will be orating include Meryl Streep, strapping Liam Neeson, wrapping Diane von Furstenberg and-oh, my- Dan Rather. (Call us strange, but what we wouldn’t give to hear Mr. Rather recite, “Do I dare to eat a peach? / I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach / I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each …. “) Meanwhile, off-island, B.A.M. presents the Fifth Annual Brooklyn Jewish Film Festival. This year’s theme: “Stand Up and Laugh,” in which the organizers purport to show “current and classic films celebrating Jewish humor.” Does that mean Saving Silverman? Tomorrow’s offering includes the quite promising-sounding Kinky Friedman: Proud to Be an Asshole from El Paso. Didn’t our President win on a similar platform?

[Tony Danza, Feinstein's at the Regency, 540 Park Avenue, 8:30 p.m., http://www.ticketweb.com; "Poetry and the Creative Mind," Alice Tully Hall, Broadway at 65th Street, 212-721-6500; the Fifth Annual Brooklyn Jewish Film Festival, B.A.M., 30 Lafayette Avenue, http://www.bam.org.

Wednesday 6th

Well, we made it, but just barely. Regroup tonight with the underfed gals over at America’s Next Top Model. We’re rooting for Tiffany (a.k.a. “The Weave”).

[America's Next Top Model, UPN, 8 p.m.]