May 25, – June 1, 2005

Wednesday 25th

Things we wish would stop: Freshly scrubbed twentysomethings in matching Patagonia pullovers accosting us on our way to work with a “minute” for Greenpeace (a great organization, blah-blah- blah) or for a few questions about our hair. Also, memo to CBS: Bring back Arthur Chi’en-we love that foul-mouthed f*cker! Speaking of an expression we’ve always had trouble with-i.e., J.A.P.-it’s now beaming out at you from bookstores everywhere. “I use the word with a wink. I first heard it in the 80’s, and I was horrified and rejected it completely,” said Isabel Rose, cabaret singer and author of the new novel The J*A*P Chronicles. The book follows seven women who spent a summer together at an elite Jewish girls’ camp in Maine. Ms. Rose is careful to make her intentions in using the term known: “The most painful accusation I can get is that I’m an anti-Semite. I mean, I’m a far cry from that-I have Shabbat dinner every night! Besides, for a Jewish girl to call herself a J.A.P. is empowering. I think, in a world post- Seinfeld and post– Sex and the City, it’s almost sexy to be wealthy on your own dollar. Now the term can apply to those who earn their own wealth. And, after putting it away, they’re going to indulge in great shoes and a Marc Jacobs purse.” Phew! Glad we got that straightened out. (Heck, speaking for ourselves, we’re not “post- Seinfeld”-we’re still pre- Alf.) Ms. Rose reads and signs on the Upper West Side this evening. Meanwhile, the Children’s Advocacy Center throws a Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory –themed bowling bash. Sadly, neither Johnny Depp nor any other cast member from the upcoming remake is expected to attend (though no word yet on the Oompa Loompas). However, you got honorary ball chair (heh) Libby Pataki-who’s probably ready to hit her clueless hubby in the noggin with a bowling pin right about now. Will she knock down a few pins with honorary chocolate chair (heh, heh) Jacques Torres, owner of chocolate shops in Manhattan and Brooklyn? “How lucky am I to be the honorary chocolate chair?” he enthused. “I feel it is my duty to help a great organization like the Children’s Advocacy Center raise money for kids. I especially appreciate their sense of fun in the way they approached the fund-raising event.” All we can say is: If these people would’ve had the sense to actually have chairs made out of chocolate, they’d be raking in some cold, hard cash.

[Isabel Rose signs and reads from The J*A*P Chronicles, Barnes & Noble, 82nd Street and Broadway, 7:30 p.m., http://www.japchronicles.com; Ninth Annual Bowling Ball, AMF Chelsea Pier Bowl, Pier 60, 212-517-3012.]

Thursday 26th

Lady Di’s brother, known to the world as Earl Charles Spencer but known to us as “Wigwam,” alights at ABC Carpet tonight for the unveiling of his furniture line, Althorp: Living History, which is inspired by the furnishings from the family’s “sprawling ancestral home,” which, we’re also told, has been collected over the past 19 generations. Sigh. (If he pops up at Soho House later, that’s it-we’re moving to Montreal.) Meanwhile, Tom Brokaw moderates a discussion, “Reality Bites: The Art of Documentary Film Making,” at the New York Public Library tonight, with a panel of documentarians: Ken Burns, Taylor Hackford, Albert Maysles and Morgan Spurlock. Mr. Spurlock, who became famous with his film Super Size Me, showed the proper amount of humility in being included in this distinguished group: “I’m going to be the guy sitting down on the end, speechless, because of how in awe I am. Tom Brokaw! Ken Burns! It’s amazing.” Mr. Spurlock is a believer in the power of film. “It’s such an inspirational medium,” he said. “This was a little movie I made for 65 grand, and now it’s played all over the world and touched millions. Film and television is really one of the last bastions of free speech.” Mr. Spurlock then ran off to work on his follow-up film on Taco Bell, titled Chalupa Me. Kidding! Ah, but what would a day be without a benefit? Brunette celebrities gather together as Marisa Tomei (hot and smart and Oscar-clutching), Mariska Hargitay (hot and smart and a standout on Law & Order) and Rob Morrow (wore a Silly Putty nose in Quiz Show) drink some Chambord cocktails, all in the good cause of fighting ALS. Burp!

[Charles Spencer at ABC Carpet & Home, 888 Broadway, 5 to 8 p.m., by invitation only; “Reality Bites: The Art of Documentary Film Making,” the New York Public Library, 42nd Street and Fifth Avenue, 7 p.m., http://www.nypl.org; the Chambord Project, NA, 246 West 14th Street, 7 to 9 p.m., by invitation only.]

Friday 27th

Holy cr*p! How is it Memorial Day weekend already? We don’t know about you, but we feel that the city kind of blew its fall/winter/spring-and now we’re almost in summer, when nothing happens except that the streets and restaurants are suddenly free of rich idiots on the weekends. Anyway, between the Star Wars whoop-de-do and the oncoming onslaught of the fabulous Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Batman: The Beginning ( Christian Bale wears bat wings like no other), what is a movie studio do? Release a family-friendly movie, silly! Hence we have Madagascar, and consider us on board with a movie that portrays penguins as psychotic conspiracy theorists (they are slippery little things) and David Schwimmer as a neurotic giraffe. Hooray!

[ Madagascar, for show times and theaters, http://www.moviefone.com.

Saturday 28th

Uh, oh-it’s that time of year, when the otherwise sane women of this city suddenly strip down to less than a regulation Hooters outfit …. Meanwhile, not surprisingly, there’s a flux of events taking place out in the ho-ho-Hamptons (where one used to be able to drink oneself to death in dignified, isolated style, rather than be surrounded by bleached-blond ninnies behind the wheels of killer S.U.V.’s). To wit and to woof, bring your dog to the booze bash for Hampton Hound, a store “designed for the fashion-conscious dog and the discriminating owner” ( sigh). “It’s going to be a low-key and very fun party,” said owner and president Roxy Kuzmak. “We’ll have drinks and hors d’oeuvres from the paw-tisserie, and there’ll be room for people to mingle with their dogs. The whole concept is for people to come and talk to other dog owners.” What do cat owners get? Mockery and derision. “It’s not that we’re discriminating against cats,” protested Ms. Kuzmak. “We have these amazing cat beds, made out of this very modern cardboard, which are functional and really chic.” Hiss. If you’re already out there and can’t find a ride back to the saner shores of Manhattan, do something good and support Planned Parenthood (before the White House cracks down on them, too!) with a live auction of Portraits for Choice at the home of Edwina (“Hot Fry”) Von Gal. If you’re in town, stroll through the Little Italy Oyster Shucking Competition. The guy running it goes by the name Mort Berkowitz (Berkowitz and oysters go together like giraffes and snowflakes!). “Last year it went superbly well,” said Mr. Berkowitz. “Traditionally it’s about presentation, but we do it for speed. We have the oyster shuckers shuck until we can give out 1,000 free oysters.”

[Cocktail party for the opening of Hampton Hound, 2485 Montauk Highway, Bridgehampton, N.Y., 3 to 6 p.m., http://www.hamptonhounds.com; Portraits for Choice, 964 Springs Fireplace Road, East Hampton, N.Y., 5:30 to 7:30 p.m., http://www.pphp.org; Oyster Shucking Contest, 133 Mulberry Street, 2 p.m., http://www.littleitalynyconline.com.

Sunday 29th

Hampton hoopla: Peggy Siegal, power publicist (but not the plowing-S.U.V. kind) known to wear kooky candy-striper-like outfits, throws a little shindig and screening for Lords of Dogtown, the slick skateboarding movie based on-and surely not nearly as good as-the gritty skateboarding documentary Dogtown and Z-Boys. The film, judging from previews, seems to follow a lot of shirtless guys who say “dude” a lot. Whatever-we’re not complaining! The private screening will be followed by margaritas and enchiladas at the Blue Parrot. Crash strategy: There’s a bathroom window big enough for a small child to shimmy through. We’re just sayin’, is all.

[ Lords of Dogtown, East Hampton Cinema, 30 Main Street, 7:30 p.m., by invitation only; Blue Parrot, 33A Main Street.]

Monday 30th

Happy Memorial Day! Today, mostly everyone-especially those who find themselves glumly holding a glass of warm, cheap champagne at a friend’s wedding-deserves a big, wet schmack! If you find yourself just sitting idly by, not ready to change over seasons in your closets, feel better (and worse) about yourself at the Coney Island Circus Sideshow (read: freaks). Yes, they’re still around, and yes, they are real live freaks-or, as the Sideshow bills it, “freaks, wonders and human curiosities.” Hey, leave our ex out of this! (Bada- bing!)

[The Coney Island Circus Sideshow, Coney Island, 1 p.m., http://www.coneyisland.com.

Tuesday 31st

Usually, if you find yourself  in the East Village and hear the word “Moby,” the speaker is referring to our favorite Lilliputian socialite vegan. However, this time it actually refers to the Herman Melville classic which is being adapted on the Metropolitan Playhouse stage, starting in previews tonight. Don’t worry: It’s just an hour! Expect to see psychoanalytically minded fellows in beards and tweed, as well as a few out-of-touch hipsters who show up to dance to the song “that was in that commercial.” Next! Up at the Time Warner Center (read: Upper West Side mall), today marks the last day where peeps can wander about on popular television-show sets. See Friends’ Central Perk and have your photo taken for $12.95! And then go pull your lip over your head and think about what you’ve done.

[ Moby-Dick (heh), Metropolitan Playhouse, 220 East Fourth Street, http://www.mobydicklives.com; “Time Warner TV: At Home in New York,” the Shops at Columbus Circle, 1 Time Warner Center.]

Wednesday 1st

If there’s one thing we love (and can’t understand why there isn’t more of), it’s the drive-in movie-theater concept. Start looking in at Bryant Park on a Monday night and you’ll see we are not alone. Tonight, see Matthew Broderick (back when he was skinny and un-rich) in the delightful movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (whatever happened to that Cameron guy? We love him!) “under the stars” (read: Gramercy smog) on Peter’s Field in the East 20’s-with, worryingly, “the backs of car seats provided for seating” ( uhhhh … ). The evening is sponsored by Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper. Which sounds like a character in a Batman movie.

[ Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Peter’s Field, Second Avenue between 20th and 21st streets, 7:30 p. m.]