Hop On, Everybody! Jane Fonda Taps Gas For Anti-War Bus Tour

From: Fonda Communications L.L.C. To: All members of the media Re: The Jane Fonda “Stop the War Now” Bus Tour, March 2006. Dear Editor, Blogger, Journalist, TV Producer or otherwise influential member of the media, including Native American Smoke Signalers:

The Eagles are back. Pink Floyd is back. The Beach Boys’ Brian Wilson is back. And now, another 60’s icon is taking her act on the road again: Jane Fonda.

Yes, that’s right. As you’ve no doubt heard, Jane Fonda—activist, memoirist, exercise mogul, Oscar-winning actress, born-again Christian and serial divorcée—is planning a bus tour though the heartland of America during March 2006, where she’ll be reprising her greatest hit: “Let’s stop the war, now.”

Or at least, let’s stop it sometime during March 2006.

Why wait till then, you ask? Why not take up this important cause sooner, like, well, now?

Because, unfortunately, Ms. Fonda’s demanding schedule will not allow for it.

But in the meantime, rest assured: As Jane herself might say, this Iraq thing won’t really be a true quagmire until Jane gets there.

Now truly, it doesn’t matter what side you’re on—whether you’re for this war, or against it. Because one thing is certain: Jane’s Bus Tour is bound to set off a media firestorm, generating tons of print, lots of outrage and countless opportunities for round-the-clock self-righteous punditry on cable TV.

It’s going to be the biggest, most important media event since the Michael Jackson trial.

And even if you’re a Neanderthal-era, knuckle-scraping, Bush-loving, Bible-thumping, draft-dodging, right-wing conservative Republican, surely even you too can see the bright side here: With Jane on the road again, she becomes the story, she becomes the target, she takes the heat, and all the cameras are focused on her, rather than Baghdad.

Now admittedly, right-wing cynics will snipe “that’s exactly what Jane wants.” But on the other hand, left-wing cynics will also decry “that’s exactly what the Bush administration wants.”

So any way you look at it, it’s a win-win for everybody in the media.

And luckily, with a nine-month lead-time, it’s not too late for you and your media organization to get on the bus with Jane.

Coinciding with the paperback release of Jane’s best-selling autobiography, My Life So Far, along with the DVD premiere of Jane’s latest hit film, the Jennifer Lopez–starring vehicle Monster-in-Law, and the in-store release of the special 24th-anniversary “director’s cut” edition of the classic Jane Fonda workout video, Jane’s media calendar is already filling up. Here’s a sample of what to expect:

— The Washington Post. Following up on her hard-hitting analysis of Dick Cheney’s outerwear at Auschwitz, Condoleezza Rice’s power boots in Paris, and the fashion statement made by John Roberts’ family at the White House press conference announcing his nomination to the Supreme Court, The Post’s Siren of Style, Robin Givhan, will be weighing in on what Jane is wearing, and what it means to the country, the war effort and the larger issue of fashion in our times.

— The New York Times Sunday Styles section. “Modern Love: The Boys on the Bus.”

— The Charlie Rose Show. Thrill to hear Charlie Rose say, “ … What is it about … Jane Fonda … That makes me want to have … Jane Fonda … At this table … On this broadcast?”

—E! Entertainment Television. Melissa Rivers will travel on the bus with Jane as her mother, Joan Rivers, broadcasts live from the camouflage carpet. (A preview of Joan’s first joke: “Ugggghhh! What is it with these anti-war women? Most of them would look better covered up in a burqa!”)

— Vanity Fair magazine. Full coverage of the star-studded bus-tour kick-off party at the Port Authority, hosted by Valerie Plame and Joe Wilson, with a light dinner to follow at Cipriani 42nd Street.

— 60 Minutes. Still riding that dead horse, Dan Rather will ask Jane Fonda to authenticate the Bush National Guard memos.

— Larry King Live. Yet another chance for Larry to put up those production stills of Jane’s bikini from Barbarella.

Baby, we’ve come a long way from the ragtag ways of the Vietnam-era war protests.

And in keeping with this new age of modern media consolidation and corporate sponsorship, Jane is pleased to announce that her bus tour will be sponsored by Covad Communications (“Don’t miss a minute of it, with Plain Jane media-streaming broadband DSL at only $9.95 per month”) and International Pulp (“We make the newsprint you’re reading less of every day.”) Other tie-ins include:

—The HBO documentary. Directed by Michael Moore, with special “guest director” Oliver Stone.

—The Mark Burnett reality show. Which network TV reporter will be first to get voted off the bus?

—The Weinstein brothers’ remake of Coming Home. Tentatively titled Coming Home Again, Jane and Jon Voight will reprise their Oscar-winning roles, with Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson playing their embedded-journalist sons, Tony Shalhoub as the Iraqi police captain, and Jennifer Lopez as the Army nurse who loves all of them. Surely hilarity and pathos will ensue.

— Pimp My Bus. A special NPR/MTV co-production: It’s Car Talk meets Pimp My Ride as Click and Clack—the Magliozzi Brothers—vie against the West Coast Customs crew to outfit Jane’s bus in style. (Brought to you by Courvoisier, Sony Plasma TV’s, the Cadillac Escalade and NPR’s listener-supported stations.)

Plus: J-Date. (“This time, let’s help Jane find a mensch.”) Jane Fonda Ring Tones (“War! What is it good for?”). The Drudge Report Interactive Bus Tour Map. MSNBC’s special correspondent Tom Hayden, offering exclusive on-scene color coverage for Chris Matthews. And, of course, the Fox News–sponsored Not-So-Swift Bus Veterans.

—See Jane Blog. Yes, Jane will be blogging live from the road. But rest assured that somehow Arianna Huffington will find a way to insinuate herself in this. The self-puffing Huffington may not get on the bus, but her publicists will definitely get her booked on 27 chat shows to pontificate about it.

As that sage of Pentagon wisdom, Donald Rumsfeld, has pointed out, “There are known knowns” in this world. And the Jane Fonda Anti-War Bus Tour 2006 is certainly one of them: It’s going to be big, it’s going to be loud, it’s going to be everywhere.

Don’t miss out on this unique opportunity for your own media-career advancement.

For more information, please contact K_Rove@Evil_ Mastermind_Productions.Com.

(Please note: All dates and times are subject to cancellation, depending on the prevailing status of the war in March 2006. Void where prohibited by law. “The Jane Fonda Bus Tour” is copyright 2005 by TurdBlossom Industries, Washington D.C.)