“Post Poker” Poker: The Showdown After the Final Showdown

Flush–ha! Get it? “Flush”!–with excitement from last week’s low-stakes scratch-off poker competition, this week the Media Mob and the Daily Transom decided to up the ante. What would happen if we played the New York Post‘s unwinnable “Post Poker” game as if it were real poker, complete with betting and bluffing and other technical poker action?

Here’s what:

MEDIAMOB: Why are there five scratch-off windows in each day’s Post Poker that you’re not supposed to scratch off?
DAILYTRANSOM: I know. It’s ludicrous. Actually…that increases their odds somehow.
DAILYTRANSOM: I have a DECENT hand today.
MEDIAMOB: There are all these weird pointless procedural layers between you and the PRIZE YOU’LL NEVER WIN.
DAILYTRANSOM: It’s part of their existential program.
DAILYTRANSOM: It’s VERY Beckett.
MEDIAMOB: They’re really well protected against their own Scratch ‘n’ STIFF disaster.
MEDIAMOB: Oops! We mistakenly gave too many people our $100 grand prize!
DAILYTRANSOM: Sheesus.
MEDIAMOB: Does your estimation of the quality of your cards come with a dollar figure attached?
DAILYTRANSOM: Well, I’d see the ante.
MEDIAMOB: What’s the ante?
DAILYTRANSOM: Hmm…
DAILYTRANSOM: OK…wait, did you cheat and look at my card earlier?
MEDIAMOB: No.
DAILYTRANSOM: Ha ha.
DAILYTRANSOM: OK. I’d BET ONE BIG DOLLAR ON THIS.
MEDIAMOB: I’ll see your dollar and raise you a dollar. That’s TWO BIG DOLLARS.
DAILYTRANSOM: Fuck.
DAILYTRANSOM: Fuck fuck. Oh, you’re full of shit, I’ll SO SEE YOUR DOLLAR.
DAILYTRANSOM: CONSIDER YOURSELF CALLED.
MEDIAMOB: Boy, I really don’t know how poker wagering works.
MEDIAMOB: Do I have the ability to raise from here? Or are we done?
DAILYTRANSOM: No, that’s it, I’m sorry to say for you.
MEDIAMOB: What does “check” mean?
DAILYTRANSOM: Check means “no bet” before any other player has bet, but it does not take you out of the game, as fold would.
MEDIAMOB: So you sit there? With no money in?
MEDIAMOB: Like you’re auditing the hand?
DAILYTRANSOM: Yeah, but if someone bets after you, when it comes back around, you have to pay in or go home.
MEDIAMOB: I see.
DAILYTRANSOM: OK.
MEDIAMOB: So now we show ‘em?
DAILYTRANSOM: Yes. WHAT HAVE YOU?
MEDIAMOB: 3
DAILYTRANSOM: I have one of those!
MEDIAMOB: 8
DAILYTRANSOM: ME TOO!
MEDIAMOB: 10
DAILYTRANSOM: ME TOO!
MEDIAMOB: Hmmmmmmm.
DAILYTRANSOM: And…?
DAILYTRANSOM: A pair of whats?
MEDIAMOB: Jacks.
DAILYTRANSOM: GODDAMN I hate the NY Post.
DAILYTRANSOM: We are playing the same card.
DAILYTRANSOM: Let’s go steal other people’s cards!!
MEDIAMOB: Also? Presumably this means this ISN’T THE WINNING $250,000 CARD.
DAILYTRANSOM: Well, I would assume that too.