Some of the New York Observer office has returned from vacation, although Tom Scocca, our Off The Record columnist, remains abroad. Yet even across the oceans, it seems, the New York Times spreads its Thursday Styles section magic. As a public service, The Transom ventured via IM across time zones to check in with Mr. Scocca.
The Transom: So, guess what NEWSPAPER’S THURSDAY SECTION I am holding in my dirty, ugly, unworthy hands? Because it’s THURSDAY MORNING HERE.
Media Tom: It’s Thursday night here.
The Transom: Omg, it is? I thought it was like Saturday there.
Media Tom: In some sense, it is. But I tried to read Thursday Styles online and I got confused. Do they have different rules for the Web, or is this exactly the same as last week’s?
The Transom: Hmm… Well, yes, and no. Online, actually, looks much the same as the print edition–both this week’s paper and last week’s! Because there’s a big article on buying things? And one about a funky hairstyle? And then something about firing therapists. And, then, inside? Did they block this for the morals of the fair country in which you currently reside? The PUBIC HAIR LASER REMOVAL.FEATURE?
Media Tom: That’s not the same as the Mohawks-are-in piece?
The Transom: It is not, though it makes a nice feature package with it. The Mohawk has become cute — except near your vagina.
Media Tom: “Most guys I have dated prefer the totally bare look, and I hardly have any girlfriends who have any hair down there, either.” How does she know?
Media Tom: There’s much more of a story here than Thursday Styles is delivering.
The Transom: Oh, Tom, this is something women and gay men have not talked about in mixed company for years. You should know that we all share daily private ladyflower inspections.
Media Tom: And now Thursday Styles is spilling the secret.
The Transom: And? they set themselves up for a story this winter at the end! Pubic hair transplants! I really don’t relish reading that story.
Media Tom: Also: “Shanacy Kashani, 27, an airline scheduler who is one of Dr. Shamban’s patients, said that she and her boyfriend are enjoying sex more now that she’s had the treatment, which was a gift from her boyfriend.”
Media Tom: That sentence ran in The New York Times.
Media Tom: Complete with age! Because it’s a newspaper story!
The Transom: lkjlj;kdsfasdf
Media Tom: They did not, however, get comment from her boyfriend to confirm the claim that he too is enjoying the sex more.
Media Tom: Hello, Standards Editor?
The Transom: God I hope they run a correction next week. “Last week, the Times incorrectly described the sexual pleasure of an unnamed gentleman. He is Bob Jones, 33, who works at Bear Stearns. In fact, his appreciation of his partner’s punani has not significantly increased since her removal of pubic hair via laser surgery.”
Media Tom: “Once when I was at a pool party with friends, we all dyed our pubic hair pink,” Ms. Kashani said.
Media Tom: See, once when I was at a pool party with friends, we played Marco Polo.
The Transom: I believe Ms. Kashani is what we might commonly refer to as a “fun-loving party slag.” And now everyone she works with — at, apparently, THE AIRPORT — knows it too.
Media Tom: Newspaper of Record!
Media Tom: I thought het men were supposed to be the ones who always had pussy on their minds.
Media Tom: But clearly, Ms. Kashani spends more time thinking about vaginas than I did at, say, age 16.
Media Tom: Or at least she’s much more effective at collecting information about them.
The Transom: Right. Well, first, you were at the WRONG pool parties.
Media Tom: God, the airport. “So, Shanacy–all clear on Runway One?”
The Transom: Wow, she’s having a long day at work right now. I can’t believe she doesn’t have a blog. We should buy her askmeaboutmybaldvagina.com.
Media Tom: Ask Alex Kuczynski to chip in to buy it. She’s got cash to spend, it seems. Here’s another thing you can do when you’re Alex K.: defenestrate cash! ‘I thought the sequined ribbon belts were overpriced at $58, but I bought one anyway.’
The Transom: Some day there will be a store which features overpriced sequin belts and pudendal laser surgery. If only one could shop whilst getting permanently shaved bald down there.
The Transom: Alex doesn’t reveal much this week; Didn’t we already know she plays golf and has bizarre, culturally fetishistic tastes in clothing?
The Transom: Also, $138 sweaters are now listed as “Relatively inexpensive,” which is a fantastically loose phrase. Relative to what, exactly? To the Thunderdome that is Prada?
Media Tom: Relative to a secluded mountain retreat for a zillionaire?
Media Tom: Relative to a light-lifting writing contract at the New York Times?
The Transom: Seriously, I’m having relativity problems. To what shall I compare thee? Thou art more expensive than Marc Jacobs mules.
The Transom: But you know what really makes me lose sleep at night? Thursday Styles is the standards and practices revolutionary vanguard of the Times. But for what? Just because Al Siegal is throwing up in a waste basket under his desk right now doesn’t mean that any actual social progress has been furthered. Sure, hooray, a long feature on cooter baldness was sneaked into the NY Times.
The Transom: Hooray! And for what?
The Transom: Rome burns, yadda yadda.