New York World

022706 article world New York WorldPetition

We, the undersigned, call for the impeachment of Vice President Dick Cheney, for shooting an innocent man (Harry Whittington) with a shotgun. Mr. Cheney’s explanation—“I mistook him for a quail” — is not acceptable, we attest.

1. Sparrow

Phoenicia, N.Y.

2.

3.

So far, actually, I really have eight signatures (including me and my daughter.)

(My wife apparently won’t sign.)

—Sparrow

The First Cabinet: A Story of Late Neo-lithic Age New York

“Max, you old dog! Whatever have you been up to?”

“A little of this, a little of that.”

“What’s this thing here?”

“This? Oh, it’s just a little something I’ve made in my spare time. It’s for storing things.”

“Don’t be mysterious, Max. Show me how it works.”

“You would like a demonstration, eh, Peter?”

“Don’t tease! Get to it!”

“It’s simple. You open the door, like so, and you put something inside it—this little pebble will do—and you close the door once again, like so. And, well, that’s all there is to it!”

“So simple … and yet so ingenious. What are those, hinges?”

“Yes, simple hinges.”

“Where did you get the idea to use those on such a thing?”

“By looking at a door, I suppose.”

“Ha, ha! Of course. A door. Well, Max, I think you’ve really got something here. What do you call it?”

“I call it … ‘cabinet.’”

“‘Cabinet’? That’s no good. No, no, that won’t do at all.”

“If you can think of something better, let me know.”

“Well, I suppose ‘cabinet’ is all right, now that I think of it. What would you like to do now?”

“Oh, I don’t know. They’re having a nice woolly-mammoth supper down at the lodge.”

“Truly?”

“With a side of field greens and endive. Also buckets of fermented mare’s milk.”

“Endive I can’t stand. But put out some fermented mare’s milk and I am there. Will women be in attendance, do you suppose?”

“Yes.”

“Good! Let’s go, then. Maybe one of the women will see fit to fuck me.”

“Yes, there’s a good chance of that, I would say.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Don’t look so amazed. You’re not a bad-looking fellow. And the women have been very horny lately.”

“Truly?”

“Yes.”

“I’m afraid this cabinet building has gone to your head, Max. Shall we call a cab or hoof it?”

“Hoof it. I can’t spare the pooka shells at the moment.”

“All right, then, let’s be off. I just hope it’s like you said it would be.”

“Oh, it will be. I checked. Mammoth meat, mare’s milk and women.”

“Sounds like a party to me. What are you staring at?”

“Perhaps I should have put the door on top. Do you think it would be better that way?”

“Don’t be a fool. It’s great the way it is. Now let’s go.”

Dear Guy

Guy is a 39-year-old single Manhattan man who has had several successful long-term relationships. He welcomes questions from New York single women at DearGuy@observer.com.

Dear Guy,

I am a 37-year-old kindergarten teacher. I’ve been living with my boyfriend, Dan, a creative director at an ad agency, for three years. He knows that I’ve always wanted kids, though I’ve been very careful not to apply any pressure. Last night he came home and announced that he’d gotten a vasectomy. I couldn’t believe it! He says that it was a decision he came to after a lot of work with his therapist, but I just can’t understand why he wouldn’t factor me in before doing such an irreversible thing. I’m beginning to wonder if I’m not wasting my time with him. How much time do you think I should give him before calling a state of the union? I’m thinking six months.

Sincerely,

Barren in Boerum Hill

Dear Barren,

You’re crazy!

Sincerely,

Guy

Dear Guy,

A few months ago, I met this great guy at MoMA. He’s from London and dresses well and seems really smart. We usually see each other a few times a week, though when I try to bring up monogamy, he changes the subject and says I’m sounding like a Pilgrim. Anyway, the first few times we went out, he paid for everything, but now we’ve been splitting all our bills 50/50, because he hasn’t gotten his working papers cleared by the government or something. Recently, he’s talking more and more about how strapped he is for rent and how we spend so much time together, it would make more sense if he just moved into my place. I feel a little weird about it, but I also know how hard it is to find such a great guy in this city. What do you think I should do?

Sincerely,

Brit-Lovin’ in Brooklyn Heights

Dear Brit-Lovin’,

You’re crazy!

Sincerely,

Guy

Dear Guy,

I’ve been doing online dating for a couple of years now, and in that time I’ve met some jerks and a total of two decent guys. Recently, I started e-mailing with a good prospect, a writer named Ted who I think I have a lot in common with. I usually try to e-mail with men for at least two weeks before meeting them in person, since I’ve found this is an effective way of weeding out the losers. Ted seems very clever and fun (his response to most embarrassing moment in the questionnaire was, “Filling out this online dating form.” Ha!) and reads The New Yorker and has a dog named Vladimir. He’s been pushing me to meet for a drink for a little while, and I was just about to agree when, last Saturday, I think I saw him holding hands with a woman and strolling around the greenmarket in Union Square. I can’t be 100 percent sure it was him, but it looked like he was wearing the same exact sweater as in his online photo. Should I ask him if he’s already got a wife/girlfriend—or just go ahead and meet him and see what’s what? I mean, maybe he does have a girlfriend but isn’t happy with her? I’d hate to screw up a golden opportunity.

Sincerely,

Puzzled in Park Slope

Dear Puzzled,

You’re crazy!

Sincerely,

Guy

Dear Guy,

My boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year and everything has been great. I really, really love him, and we have lots of fun together; we still can stay up all night long just talking and laughing. We have so much in common! He even likes to watch Sex and the City! Anyway, the other night we went out to dinner at our usual place but drank about two bottles of wine, so we were a little bit tipsy. He told me that in college he used to “fool around” with men. He didn’t have sex with them or anything, but he would let certain guys give him oral sex. He says it doesn’t make you gay if you’re on the receiving end. Ever since we’ve had this conversation, though, I can’t help thinking about all these other little things about him that I’ve always tried to not dwell on. This is the best relationship I’ve ever been in, and I don’t want to screw it up. Is there a tactful way to ask your boyfriend if he still sleeps with men?

Sincerely,

Wondering on the Upper West Side

Dear Wondering,

You’re crazy!

Sincerely,

Guy

Dear Guy,

I’ve been in a relationship with a man I’ll call Roger for two years. We’re crazy about each other. In fact, I feel funny even typing this, but I don’t know any couple who is as consistently happy and fulfilled as we are. At the start, Roger asked that we take it slow, because his ex-wife—I’ll call her Marcia—was really devastated by their divorce (even though they never had kids and were only married for four years), and Roger didn’t see any reason to cause her unnecessary pain. I’ve never met her, but I really respect his sensitivity around her feelings. So anyway, we’ve been together two years—he’s 46, I’m 39—and we’ve been talking about moving in together. (My lease is up in March and his place is plenty big for the both of us plus my cats.) And there’s been some talk of starting a family. Roger is saying he wants to move in—he hates it when we don’t spend the night together because he sometimes has to get up at dawn for business flights—but he’s still worried about Marcia having what he calls a “downward spiral.” He thinks it’s best if we’re not selfish, and I renew my lease for a year, by which time Marcia will most likely have met someone, and so she won’t mind if he and I move in together. What should I do?!

Sincerely,

Romantic in Red Hook

Dear Romantic,

You’re crazy!

Sincerely,

Guy