The cousins are coming, the cousins are coming! One if by land and two if by sea…

MADELEINE: We finally have a headcount for our wedding – it’s 158 and holding. So I sit down to tackle the dreaded seating chart. After about 3 hours of problem solving, I have a damn good seating arrangement and I breathe a sigh of relief.

Then my mom calls to tell me that our cousin Ari is bringing four guests with him. Really. We invited him with one guest.

“But Ari’s coming from Canada,” she explains, “so he can bring more people if he wants.”

He can? I don’t know when Canada became relevant.

Fine. We’ll fit them in.

Then Mitch’s mom calls.

“Our cousin Doug had a change of heart,” she cries, “and is coming to the wedding after all!”

I hope Doug is slim with rounded shoulders, because I’m squeezing him into a full table and he’ll have to make himself fit. C’est la guerre.