Declaration of War Against Salon

BEGUN AND HELD IN THE TRANSOM’S TINY MESSY OFFICE AT 915 BROADWAY, 9TH FLOOR, ON THE FOURTH OF MAY, TWO THOUSAND AND SIX.

WHEREAS, for too long, beer-sharing, staff-crossover (we’re looking at you, Rebecca Traister and Suzy Hansen) and mutual liberal head-nodding has taken place between the staffs of the New York Observer and Salon.com, and;

WHEREAS, Salon.com Editor in Chief Joan Walsh thinks that Observer D.C. correspondent Chris Lehmann eats babies, or at least is one of the “apologists for the status quo” for his story in this week’s paper which roasts D.C. and its press corp lifers, and;

WHEREAS, Ms. Walsh also calls Mr. Lehmann’s wife, Ana Marie Cox, one of the “pathetic prisoners of the Beltway” (she’s actually allowed to pathetically venture up and down the seaboard, let it be known), and;

WHEREAS Ms. Walsh’s piece is the third attempt by Salon–on the heels of “Colbert’s Smart Bomb” and “The Truthiness Hurts”–to argue for what is supposed to be a self-evident proposition, thereby undermining itself by its own being, and;

WHEREAS, Salon’s interstitial ads confront would-be users with the message “Good commercials are as rewarding as the Salon journalism they support,” with which they must choose to “Agree” or “Disagree,” leaving the user in a desperate Tron-world binary conundrum of surely unintended ironies in which disagreement loops back around to agreement, and;

WHEREAS, Ms. Walsh cannot perceive what Observer senior editor Tom Scocca has since dubbed The Inverse Dean Scream Effect—the inverse part being that the Dean Scream made total contextual sense to those in attendance at that long-ago post-caucus rally in Iowa but only appeared ludicrous in endless media transmissions, whereas Stephen Colbert’s White House Correspondents Association Dinner routine was hilarious and sense-making in transcript yet not, according to attendees such as Mr. Lehmann, really at all funny in person, and;

WHEREAS, we are all equally fucked now that the Washington Post‘s Richard Cohen has finally arrived to the party to complain about Mr. Colbert’s “rudeness” toward Our Commander in Chief, thereby retroactively conjuring into being that same thin-skinned and comedy-deficient Washington Press Corps Reaction whose existence had been the subject of dispute, thus leaving this topic as dead as a minimum of 34,711 Iraqi civilians, still, then;

NOW therefore be it resolved that The Transom hereby executes an Authorization of Use of Military Force against Salon.com.