To: The Observer Staff
From: The Editors
Subject: Reminder – Appropriate Office Attire
In light of other publications’ recent instructions about office dress code, we thought it was time for our own in-house reminder about appropriate attire.
Lady reporters, as per the recent slew of gossip-girl-about-town “novels,” are required to wear 2.5+ inch bitch heels and a constant air of anxiety and lustiness mixed with exasperation. (Yoga mats are optional attire.) Male reporters are required to wear something horribly pleated up front, the scent of bourbon, and must also wear tidy sweater vests and “unusual” blazers, just this side of professorial.
Male and female editors both are permitted to bare midriffs, intentionally or otherwise. Male editors must shave at least once per month.
The web editor is instructed to wear a white belt at all times; also, a t-shirt promoting a band that is based in Brooklyn which was purchased at a concert in 2002 or 2003, New York’s “irony is dead, no really, Graydon Carter said so” years.
White pants on Fridays are mandatory, with flesh-toned thongs or underwear beneath. Your amount of muffintop-overspill is at your discretion.
George Gurley is required to wear human shoes in the office.
The editor-in-chief must wear khaki pants and should decorate his blue button-down with no fewer than two coffee stains each day.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.