[em]Tabloid Wars[/em]: Hud Morgan, Hollywood Is Calling

Tabloid Wars–debuting July 24! On Bravo!–provides at least one important lesson about the New York media scene: Someone should keep a camera and microphone on ex-Lloyd Grove stringer Hudson Morgan 24 hours a day. The dapper, world-weary Morgan runs away with the series whenever the lens turns his way, delivering a reality-TV-ideal blend of astute self-presentation and clueless blabbing. He visibly knows what he ought to say, but he just as visibly can’t stop himself from saying what he oughtn’t.

Highlights of the wit and wisdom of Hudson Morgan, Former Boy Reporter:

* “There are basically two ways you can climb the media ladder. You can either slave away at, like, a magazine and just sort of be promoted from editorial assistant to editorial associate to associate editor to depu–you know. But that takes forever. The other way is you can somewhere less prestigious like the Post or the Daily News, and, you know, it’s not necessarily the most glamourous position but you cut your teeth that way.”

* “I think I should pitch this article about model / DJs, just because they seem neither good at modeling nor DJing.”

* “You don’t need a skill set so much as you need boundless energy. You’re going all day long dealing with lobotomized publicists.”

* [Into telephone] “That’s interesting, but he’s dead! We always have a problem writing about dead people. It’s just like: Who cares?

* [Into telephone] “So what were all those NBC people doing there? What was that all about? They’re like locusts.”

* “I’ve always been interested in other people’s business. I wouldn’t necessarily call it a flaw. I’d say it’s a vice. I’d say it’s a weakness. Why not apply it to a career?”

* MORGAN: Even Sheryl Crow can’t get Lance Armstrong into the sack during the Tour de France, blah blah blah, one quote.
LLOYD GROVE: Why is Sheryl Crow–is she, is she, like, a great piece of ass?
MORGAN: Sheryl Crow–yeah.
GROVE: She is?
MORGAN: Are you kidding?
GROVE: I don’t know!
MORGAN: Do you know who she is?
GROVE: That’s why you’re here, to tell me these things.
MORGAN: Yeah! Yes!

* “I used to bring my girlfriend to some of these things, but it’s just like–it was kind of a disaster. Well, we broke up two days ago. Because this job, like, it’s just, it’s, it’s pretty much impossible to maintain a serious relationship and do this at the same time.”

* “I don’t think I really thought this through. I didn’t think how it would affect relationships, goals, ambitions, not to mention health and inner peace and general feng shui. And I wasn’t ready for people to come after me, because I’m only, like, an assistant. Like Gawker linked to this website that was, like, speculating that I was gay… And, you know, my grandfather read it because my mom was showing him how to Google on the Internet. It was really weird. It was disorienting to be scrutinized like this.”

* “I’m too fucking busy with the column to figure out all the bad things it’s done with me.”

* “He [Adrian Grenier] was just like, ‘You should do something that actually contributes to the greater good.’ And I was just like, ‘Why?'”

* “I somehow expected more out of Hackensack. I thought it was sort of a bobo paradise. And these office parks are just brutal. I don’t do charity work because I get hives when I come to places like this.”

* “It doesn’t require any skill. Maybe it helps to be charming.”