My Wedding Photos Need To Look Like a Calvin Klein Ad

amandaromangoddessphoto.jpg

AMANDA: “Now….what do you think of this one?” says our would-be wedding coordinator, her painted eyebrows arching up to meet her gigantic hair. My mom shoots me a look of terror. The wedding coordinator is wielding a “storybook” photo album, akin to my eighth-grade yearbook. Glossy, stilted photos of the lovely couple are accompanied by romantic quotes like “Love at First Sight” and “Together Forever” in an array of many different fonts and colors. The bride and groom, in 1985 prom attire, beam underneath heavy heads of feathered hair. The three foot tall plastic Roman goddess statue that she was pushing for cocktail hour decor should have been our first clue.

As far as I can tell, these artificial, awkward and super-glossy photos run rampant in the wedding industry. Where is the photographer who will make us look like our own Christy Turlington/random hot guy Calvin Klein ad? You know the ones in black and white, where they are hanging out in bed or with their precious child on the beach? (For purposes of my fantasy, this doesn’t also require a team of plastic surgeons.) I really hope we can find someone who will make us look, at the very least, like we’re enjoying our wedding.