The ‘Salmons’ Score 11-10 Victory Against ‘Trader Monthly’

tradermonthly The Salmons Score 11 10 Victory Against Trader Monthly
The truly awesome ‘Trader Monthly.’

This morning, assistant managing editor and web editor Jake Brooks distributed a surprising email. (It follows after the jump.)

His email announced a stunning victory over the staff of Trader Monthly at last night’s softball game in East River Park. This morning, the bullpen was abuzz.

“They were worthy competition,” said politics reporter Jason Horowitz.

“Except for the girls,” said intern Max Abelson. Hey now.

“There was one guy who basically slid the distance from first base to second base,” said Mr. Horowitz.

Were any of the Trader Monthly fellows… well, hot?

“I’m no expert,” said NYTV reporter Rebecca Dana. “There was one guy…. he was sort of bridge-and-tunnel-hot.”

“They were really nice,” said Mr. Brooks sternly.

“Except for the one,” Ms. Dana said.

“Their two best players were on vacation,” Mr. Brooks said.

And what about heat exhaustion incidents?

“I had one later that evening,” Ms. Dana said. To wit: “I was exhausted and hot.”

“Friendly!” said Mr. Horowitz. “Friendly bunch!”

“I hit a guy with a ball,” said Michael Calderone, media and real estate reporter. Indeed he did. Right in the back. And: “There was a lot of glove sharing. And bat sharing.”

“Athlete’s hand!” said medical reporter Lizzy Ratner. “And fungus!”

The email from Mr. Brooks:

There were doubters. Naysayers. Many said it couldn’t be done. Not in this heat. People will die, I was told. But not only did the Observer softball team survive, it was victorious, beating Trader Monthly by the deceptively close score of 11-10. To the play-by-play…

After an inning, the score was tied at 2. Several errors, one by yours truly, marred what was to be a sterling outting by Matthew “Fingers” Schuerman. But the score didn’t stay close for long. Fueled by the homerun hitting prowess of Quint Newell, whose 3-run shot in the 3rd innning found a permanent home at the bottom of the East River, we jumped out to a commanding lead and held it due to some superb–and quite frankly, surprising–defense. Jason “I don’t need sneakers!” Horowitz (our MVP with a couple of RBIs to boot) was like a combination vaccuum and laser at third base, sucking up whatever came near him and rifling it to first with pinpoint accuracy. (Bad and mixed metaphors abound! He was that good. Did I mention he played in khakis and dress shoes?) Up the middle was the not too shabby Michael “Hose” Calderone who lived up to his own hype, and myself, at second, who was happy to stay on his feet and off his ass, until a pop up in the last inning ended that hope. Rounding out the cast was Anna “The Backstop” Schneider-Mayerson as catcher, the Right as Rain Rebecca Dana in right field and Max “I gotta go meet my dad” Abelson in Right Center. Everyone played their positions to perfection, allowing the Observer Salmon to enter the final inning with an 11-3 lead. Then Trader Monthly made it interesting, scoring 4 runs in the bottom of the inning. As time was running out, I was then informed of a “last licks” rule of dubious legitmacy, which gave them an extra at bat. If they could tie us or take the lead, then we would be allowed to hit. If they could not do either, than we woud win. They quickly scored three runs, bringing the score to 11-10. But with two outs, Ken Newman, our own Hideki Matsui, but without the wrist injury, made a leaping sno-cone grab to end the game in thrilling fashion. “The Observer has won a game! The Observer has won a game!” Bring it on, New York.