Things Learned While Reading A Bridal Magazine

LAURIE: Here are some things I learned while reading a bridal magazine.

-You can customize jewelry for your effing cake.

-There are people in this country, probably even in the tri-state area, who will affix an enormous spray of fake flowers to the side of their heads while they are being married.

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-Young guests love to dress up.

-A box of a certain brand of tampons is slim enough to be held between the toes of a model doing a yoga pose.

-In addition to place cards, I have to make something called “escort cards.”

-Bridal magazines are perhaps the most egregious offenders when it comes to “writing for your very stupidest reader.”

-In addition to escort cards, I have to make something called “favors.”

-Bridal magazines will recommend without shame or irony that you surprise your baseball-loving groom with a groom’s cake shaped like a baseball.

-Despite our “no attendants” decision, we may have to draft ushers.

-The editorial might say, “sensible diet and plenty of exercise,” but the advertising will always say, “diet pills from GNC that will cause you profound heart damage.”

-If you want to have a nice, romantic movie date with your husband-to-be, you should rent Secretary.

-As a woman in her thirties, I should apply a yellow-based foundation on my wedding day.

-If you rent out some designer’s daughter’s money-losing, ADHD-exacerbating pet project retail store for a fashion photo shoot, the number of dresses featured in the layout may not exceed the number of times the logo of said fashion designer’s daughter’s money-losing, ADHD-exacerbating pet project retail store is the sharp central focus of the photo.

-Getting engaged has afforded me the right to fill my home with coral-inspired accents.