Bauer Publishing’s New Cafe: Sexy, High Maintenance, Like Living With Mom

Bauer Publishing—home of In Touch Weekly and Life and Style Weekly and In Touch Weekly Mexico (!!!)—will not be outdone by the grand eating accomodations of the Hearsts and the Conde Nasts. Their newly retooled cafe, in their Englewood, NJ, headquarters, opens on Friday, according to a memo distributed in-house today.

The cafe is composed of several vending machines and a microwave. (No celebrity chefs in Jersey, apparently!) Staffers are instructed to use ice scoops instead of fingers when getting ice, and to use trivets for hot items. Apparently Bauer is acting in loco parentis for its hapless, unhygenic employees. Oh and there’s a password on the door to keep the cafe for Bauer staff only. It is 0317. (That’s St. Patrick’s Day, if you need a mnemonic.)

The memo follows.

Dear coworkers,

Exciting news! The new and very improved Bauer Cafe will open on
Friday Nov. 10th!

We still have some things to do to be ready to open on Friday. Please
do not use the appliances yet. If you use the vending machines today
and tomorrow please make sure that you shut the main door behind you.
Again, please do not use the appliances the Café is not open until
Friday.

Please overlook the chairs; they’re rentals while we wait for the
beautiful bistro chairs we ordered, and are not part of the final
scheme.

We’ve put a little bit of our hearts and souls into creating a
beautiful, comfortable lunch/break environment everyone at Bauer will
enjoy. Please help us keep it nice:

* Please keep the door to the hallway closed. The Cafe is for Bauer
employees only; you will need to use the combination, 0317 (St.
Patrick’s Day), to enter. This new code will be in use Friday
morning. Please keep this code to yourself.

* Teen magazine staffers, please keep your entrance door closed as
much as possible, since it opens right onto a table where people may
be seated.

* Please clean up after yourselves, and leave the tables and counters
crumb-free for the next person.

* Garbage goes into bins that are hidden beneath the countertop–to
toss your trash, use the knob to carefully lift up one of the square
“doors” (watch your fingers–they’re heavy!) in the counter.

* Please do not cut on the countertop or put anything hot directly
onto the surface (please use the trivets).

* Please do not sit on the tables or on the countertops.

* Please use the ice scoop, rather than your fingers, when helping
yourself to ice from the ice machine.

* If you need to move the tables, lift them up at the stationary end
and “wheelbarrow” them to your destination. Please do not drag things
across the floor.

* The soap dispensers are automatic and hands-free–just pass your
hand in front of the sensor to dispense soap!

* Paper Towels and cups will be inside the cabinets.

* Instruction booklets are in the drawers for the toaster ovens,
microwaves and ice machine.

Again, we want you to have a nice enjoyable place to have your lunch
and relax, please keep it clean.