Naked People in Silver! Sports Cars! Kondylis-Designed Condo Shoots for ‘Power,’ Misses

“He looks like he could use a drink,” said one gray-suited visitor to yesterday evening's broker reception of Platinum, SJP Residential’s 43-story luxury condo high-rise at 50th Street and Eighth Avenue.

He was pitying a muscle-ripped, nearly naked man caked in silver paint from his eyelashes to his toenails standing on a plastic cube at the entrance and holding one of those inflatable yoga balls on his shoulder like he was about to collapse under its feather-light weight.

Aside from an occasional blink and finger twitch, the model wasn’t allowed to move much. “What a bum gig,” the gray-suited man said, swirling a white-cranberry and pineapple martini concocted especially for the event, called “The Platinum” of course.

Platinum’s marketers, The Marketing Directors, Inc., went a little overboard with the most cliché and cheesy theme used in residential advertising these heady days: power.

They used these Blue Man Group-looking figures to punctuate their ads, apparently to attract the “powerful” executive type.

Their Web site can’t get enough of the word, with slogans like, it’s “a rarified world etched in water and fire, stone and glass… and power;” “a Platinum residence exudes power;” and “with Platinum, we have powerfully reset the benchmarks for strong, contemporary style, in an ultra-sophisticated structure, designed and executed with extraordinary vision.”

Indeed, the advertising is just as cheesy as the design, by Costas Kondylis. Sparse apartments, with granite floors and acid-etched walls look like what “modern” was supposed to look like in the early 1990's with its black-and-white themes and creepy people walking around in all silver.

In the lobby at the broker’s reception, a video advertisement for the 220 condos for sale opened with a computer-generated, meatpacking district-like club scene. A racing black sports car then skids up to the condo entrance and an attractive blonde takes a bewildered companion up to her spacious apartment. Suddenly the shot pans outside the building and a giant, naked silver woman is leaning up against the condo tower. The scene looked straight out of a cross between Attack of the 50 Foot Woman and Godzilla.

The new building will include amenities like a “Social Sauna,” a “Golf simulation room” and a bicycle storage room.

Silly developers! "Powerful" people don’t ride bikes. They drive sports cars! Where would their leggy arm candy sit? On the handlebars? Pshaw!

Upstairs, a tiny room with a delicate model of the building was bursting with real estate brokers. They crowded around the stuffed mushroom and shrimp plates as a Platinum representative spun jams like “Play That Funky Music, (White Boy).” A broker with a group of women holding fort by the vegetable plate mused, “I wish they’d play more Sting, like they were playing in the model apartment.”

Sting, apparently, would’ve been more powerful.