Sir Harold Auberon, the Dinner-Nicknamer

Sir Harold: One’s wife says, “What shall it be?” To which one replies, sheepishly, “For dinner, then?” The wife nods. “Let’s see,” one says, while trying not to pull a face. Not a few divorces are rooted in this dinner business, I should imagine. Deciding what one shall eat. Deciding where one shall eat it. That kind of thing. Seen in that light, “The Bane of Marriage” should become clear.

Me: Quite.

Sir Harold: Interestingly, when one finds oneself alone, one simply rings the bell and feels quite content.

Me: Too true, Sir Harold. What about this one, page 36: “The Butler’s Friend?”

Sir Harold: When I was a lad, we had a butler named Jules. Round about 11 o’clock, summer nights, I would find this old fellow seated at a homely wooden table in the back kitchen, serviette tucked into his collar, like so. I once worked up the courage to inquire, “Having a snack, Jules?” “Why, no, young Harry,” he replied, “this would be dinner.” “Dinner?” said I. “At this late hour?” To which Jules replied, “Why, yes, Harry, dinner is the butler’s friend.”

Me: Curious fellow! But was he a very wonderful man?

Sir Harold: I should say he was.

Me: I should like to mention a few more of your nicknames so that I might hear your reactions to them.

Sir Harold: You are a most brutal interviewer. Have at it.

Me: “Hot Stuff.”

Sir Harold: Rather speaks for itself, I should think.

Me: “Pepper-Craver.”

Sir Harold: Certain dinners fairly cry out for a dash of pepper, that’s all.

Me: This one’s a bit of a puzzle: “Dessert-Hurdle.”

Sir Harold: At times a man feels he must fairly leap over dinner to get to the sweets. The meal seems a bother when a gooseberry pie awaits, or perhaps a vanilla pudding.

Me: You are a champion dinner-nicknamer, Sir Harold. Will there be a sequel to Nicknames for Dinner?

Sir Harold: Heavens, no. I’ve a firm to run, people to see and all that. This book is but an amusement, a memento to let the world know “Sir Harold was here and he had a little something to say about it.”

Me: You are too modest, Sir Harold.

Sir Harold: Perhaps. All this talk of dinner has put me in mind of having a little something. Would you care to join me, young man, for a little “Bumps-on-a-Plate?”

Me: Sir Harold! It would be my pleasure.

Article continues below
More from Politics
2. The general election. In November, whichever two candidates make it out of the gubernatorial primary will face off to become the next New Jersey governor. While Phil Murphy (pictured) is the presumed favorite in the race due to current New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s dismal approval ratings tanking Republican credibility for many NJ voters, the results are still up in the air. Additionally, with 11 months until the race, there is still ample time for a dynamic shift that could leave another candidate at the top.
Murphy Batters Wisniewski at Monmouth Dems Convention