Ask a Theoretical Physicist

world Ask a Theoretical PhysicistDear Theoretical Physicist:

I met a terrific girl a few months ago, and things are starting to become serious. I like her very much, but she wants children quickly and I still don’t feel ready. What should I do?

—Alexander F., East Village

Dear Alexander:

It might help to think of your girlfriend less as the potential mother of your child, and more as a swarming agglomeration of infinitesimal strings vibrating in 10, 11 or 26 dimensions. These strings would have length but not width or height, and they could either be closed, in which case they would look like squiggly ovals, or open, in which case they would look like shoelaces. The shoelaces would spin out “world sheets” through time, while ovals would make “world tubes”; and two world tubes could combine to form a single world tube, which would look like a pair of trousers!

Let me know what you decide.


P.S.: Don’t worry about those other dimensions—they curled up into a tiny ball just after the Big Bang.


Dear Theoretical Physicist:

I am looking for an apartment in the West Village, SoHo, or TriBeCa. I live alone, and the most I can pay is $1,300. Is there any possibility of my finding anything?

—Vernon Q., Long Island City

Dear Vernon:

According to some interpretations of quantum mechanics, it is indeed possible, although extremely improbable, that an inexpensive studio or one-bedroom apartment could arise spontaneously in the one of the neighborhoods you mention. Unfortunately, such a living space would be extremely unstable, probably coming into existence for a few billionths of a second at most before decaying into more fundamental particles. And, in any case, it would probably be snapped up in the first billionth of a second by a friend of the broker.



Dear Theoretical Physicist:

My best friend is more “developed” than I am on top, and the guys pay way more attention to her, even though she’s got the personality of a crouton. What is going on?

—Kimberly F., Upper East Side

Dear Kimberly:

One possible answer is that breasts are composed of some kind of superdense material, such as that found at the center of a collapsed star. Such a concentration of mass would have the effect of warping space-time in the vicinity of the breast, causing less massive objects, such as men, to gravitate towards it. This theory would also account for the fact that most women are not attracted to other women’s breasts (due to the inertial mass of their own breasts), and we can speculate that lesbianism may be primarily a question of aberrant breast density. However, while the supermassive breast theory (S.B.T.) does an adequate job of explaining the attraction phenomenon, it leaves certain questions unanswered, such as why the men who are attracted by the breasts are not then sucked into them and pulverized by their enormous gravity.



  1. MICHAEL says:

    Can energy exits without space?

  2. Bluezombiechick says:

    I’m not sure if I am posting in the correct spot first off. but I am a 27 year old mom to a 9 month old who has always kept my head  in the clouds of theoretical physics. I however had a head injury at 11 which made it where i am still quite intelligent (luckily my I.Q. was above average before the head injury that left my frontal lobes damaged)but I have a hard time with complex numbers, but on the philosophy side i can go on for hours like a crazy person. Honestly my dream job would be to be theoretical physist  but my math skills are erased and are not easy to access. But I have all these ideas I don’t know what to do with so I write them in notebooks, of course when I have time with a 9 month old daughter lol. I guess my question to you is what to do with these thoughts that feel so right but I can not do the math to see where they go? It drives me nuts sometimes I tell people about my theory’s and it’s like they don’t get it. I know I’m not crazy (Sadly I have been checked) but I feel as though none of my friends understand when I talk about string theory, reality, and quantum physics and so on so it leaves me very frustrated. Any suggestions on where I could take these thoughts and have people to talk to and bounce ideas off of would be very appreciated. Also I live in North Texas people here tend to drown themselves in religion and be somewhat blind to science. Of course no offense to religion. 
    Email: Bluezombiechick@yahoo:disqus .com
    Please get back to me when you have the free time.  

  3. Jrzdkwcz says:

    Could the dark matter in the universe be the feelings of conscious beings?  It’s the only common denominator to explain Charles Manson and Adolph Hitler to the Pope or the Dalai Lama.  Not memories, but genuine feelings of love, joy,  etc.  Then when the universe ultimately collapses into one black hole it rips the fabric of space/time and plunges into another universe.  Not a big bang, but a Big Push, like a syringe of matter plunged instantaneously.  Human beings are like honey bees … harvested for our dark matter feelings.  How those feelings are generated is irrelevant, be it worshiping God or Satan.  Even your dog feels happiness. Finally, the multiverse has to be eternal because if it was’t it would beg the question, what came before?  Just like mathematical numbers there’s always a before and after.  Or another example, where is the end of  a sphere?

  4. Bobby Cathey says:

    We accept the big bang theory, because galaxies are spreading apart so it appears that they were blasted outwards. Wouldn’t that be possible with multiple bangs? If black holes were like the sweeper at the bottom of a pool and scans across the universe sucking up matter, until it becomes so full that it collapses further yet, because it’s mass is so great. Then at this point it becomes so superheated by the compression that it explodes, essentially recycling everything it collected? Also if that is possible could the Universe be much older than 14.5 billion years? Many super massive black holes, being at the center of galaxies, could very likely suck up entire galaxies eventually once they die. The death of stars in the galaxies would create more black holes where the gravity interacts with each other and all eventually wind up in the biggest black hole. Do you think any of this is possible? Rather than just one big bang theory that couldn’t be explained other than it was just there?

  5. Alexanderwhite01 says:

    why isnt gravity considered a wave? Given space is the ultimate low pressure any atom that vibrates creates a wave that would create a higher pressure then the void of space which is why things are drawn towards each other. Also if you could define gravity as a wave there could be truth to astrological signs. If you look at gravity like any other way in relation to astrological signs you could say certain sections of sky emit certain frequency. Now here is a crazy thought if you people are born to a certain “Tune” a persons nirvana or heaven could be found in that direction of space where there tune came from. Also if you could quantitate it into what material creates that tune one could map out in what direction from earth into space holds the most material we would want like water. This is all part of an infinity theory I am working on but its foundation is built on gravity being a wave that creates pressure it seems like a very simple thing that none of my physics teachers mentioned they always just it exists.