Coming from just about anyone, these words would guarantee an audience’s attention. Coming from someone who could plausibly lay claim to having enjoyed an Edwardian childhood, they had to be a bit of a shock. Sixteen years later, when she was about to turn one hundred, Brooke Astor was still savoring the contrast between this indisputably pungent nugget of wisdom with the decorous, ladylike picture she presented. With her well-cut suits, her omnipresent hats, her fine kid gloves and her three strands of good pearls, she was a throwback to a time when men and women dressed for an occasion. To find anyone who presented a comparable face to the public you would have to look to the British Royal Family. Like the Queen of England, she had perfected a style that rendered her immediately recognizable. Unlike the Queen, she was chic.

For more than four decades Mrs. Astor captured the attention of New Yorkers with words more in keeping with her public demeanor. “Good manners come from a good heart,” she liked to say. Her own heart, which rarely faltered, she ascribed to two loving parents. But a good heart can take you only so far. To discipline she credited the unfailing energy she brought to making life better for the citizens of this city. Her best known poem, published in The New Yorker the week after she turned 95, bears that name. It tells of how, when faced with “sorrow,” she discovered solace and even happiness by adhering to a code any self-respecting Edwardian parent might approve. The poet writes:

Then, lest this be taken for the words of a hopeless Pollyanna, she adds:

“Discipline” was written by a woman whose feckless first husband had suddenly divorced her, leaving her with a small son to raise; whose beloved second husband had died in her arms on a Thanksgiving weekend; and whose demanding but loving third husband had died only five-and-a-half years later. The poem can be read as a paean to selflessness. It can also be read as a ballad of good common sense: Put others first and everyone comes out ahead. Still, there remains a hint that life is best when it offers something more.

Brooke Astor was no late-blooming poet. By this point she was also the published author of two novels, numerous essays and articles, and two book-length memoirs, as well as a devoted friend and daughter, a self-professed romantic, an accomplished hostess, an intrepid dancer, and a valued guest who thought nothing of attending as many as four parties in one night. But, above all, she was a world-famous philanthropist. For 37 years, as president and guiding spirit of the Vincent Astor Foundation, she devoted the better part of her life to this city—securing funding and also ensuring attention for causes she deemed important. “I never give to anything that I don’t see,” Mrs. Astor liked to say. For her philanthropy was always personal.

In her own way, Brooke Astor was a great matchmaker—whether it meant bringing upstart organizations in need of funding to the attention of old friends with deep pockets or introducing attractive newcomers with money to the pleasures of philanthropy. Never was it only about money. Newcomers with talent who had something to say for themselves could always find a place at her table. Although she sometimes seemed like a throwback to another era, she kept an eye on the future. Her life might not be “sheer ecstasy,” but she saw to it that she and everyone who crossed her path had a good time.

Toward the end of her life, faced with an admiring reporter or some group that had gathered to honor her, she took pleasure in recounting how her beloved father used to warn her, “Brooke, don’t get beyond yourself.” Of course she would be the first to admit that by taking on the role of Mrs. Astor she had done just that. Dressed for a visit to a row of abandoned houses as though she were headed for a lunch at La Grenouille, she liked to say, “People expect to see Mrs. Astor.” For her it was a matter of good manners. It was also an act of faith. By the end she gave away close to $200 million. Even after she closed down the foundation in 1997, she made being Mrs. Astor seem like an adventure. She also made it seem as though, with a bit of application, anyone could accomplish what she had. Of course nothing could be further from the truth.

Frances Kiernan is the author of The Last Mrs. Astor: A New York Story (W.W. Norton)

Remember Mrs. Astor

BARBARA WALTERS
Television host

One sometimes hears, “Who will be the next Brooke Astor?” But there will never be another Brooke Astor. She was unique—charming, wise, funny, elegant and, most important, generous. Even her very long life was unique. To have her for a friend was a privilege.

JAMES WATT
Brooke Russell Astor Senior Curator for Chinese decorative arts at the Metropolitan Museum of Art

She never had any what we would call academic knowledge of art. She just liked what she liked. … But she had very good judgment as to what a good work of art is. It was nothing too ornate. But anything with a slight sense of whimsy—she would love it.

FELIX ROHATYN
Financier and former chairman of the municipal assistance corporation:

I think I met her when the city was facing bankruptcy about 30 years ago. … What she did with the New York Public Library [then] was very meaningful. At that time it had really run down and it was kind of a discouraging thing. But by having Brooke step forward and essentially put her arms around the Public Library and say, “I will bring this back to what it should be,” I thought that was an enormously important act of faith in the future of the city.

JOHN RICHARDSON
Art critic, author, former head of Christie’s U.S. operations

I always looked on her as a queen of New York. … Brooke used to give little parties and she gave a little dance … and Brooke was wearing a sash with an enormous emerald the size of a piece of soap. Huge, I mean too big to wear anywhere … And we were dancing like crazy, old-fashioned waltzes and polkas and everything, and suddenly this stone fell to the ground, and Brooke kicked it under the sofa and said, “Don’t worry, that’ll be found in the morning.”… And in the morning it was not found.

MARY McFADDEN
Fashion designer

She did a lot for the hat business in New York, because she always wore hats. There was a long time where people weren’t wearing hats in New York anymore, and the whole hat industry really had a resurgence due to Mrs. Astor’s hats, not to mention her emeralds, which she used to wear out in full splendor to Swifty’s restaurant, which is hardly a dressed-up place.

IVAN OBOLENSKY
Investment banker and nephew of Vincent Astor

She is the greatest adventuress that has ever been since Cleopatra, perhaps. … She shmoozed everybody in sight, whoever suited her. … She’d go around at parties whistling. She was a whistler, literally. She whistled very well. Like a leader.

ROBERT SILVERS
Editor, The New York Review of Books

She was in no way remote from the world. She knew very much what was happening. And this was, after all, indicated by this fact that she had taken an interest in this paper which had been put on the newsstands once. … She took the initiative, she wanted to see it, she wanted to be part of it, she wanted to invest. … At a later point, one of her businesspeople said, you know you’ve been going on for years and the paper is doing well, and she wants to make her shares available to you at low cost … and she just gave it back to us really.

KENNETH JAY LANE
Jewelry designer to the socialites and friend of Mrs. Astor’s for 40 years

One thing she always used to say all the time, even in her old age, was, “Kenneth, do I flirt too much?” And I’d say, “No, Brooke you flirt just enough. You better not stop.”

KENT BARWICK
President, Municipal Arts Society

Brooke wasn’t born into great wealth; I knew elderly snobs who thought that Vincent had married beneath himself. I guess, she was a showgirl, they thought. But she knew who she was. Vincent knew who she was. And, as it turned out, whether it was his idea or her idea, it was a great idea for her to get involved and to do so much good.

It was very much personal philanthropy, personal involvement. She came over to our building when it was a ruin. She walked through with a flashlight, with some of the trustees, and determined after marching through the dust and whatnot that it’d be a good idea to help us do it. So she gave us the money to get our first real headquarters.

AILEEN MEHLE
Longtime socialite columnist as “Suzy” and friend of Mrs. Astor

She was one of the women of that era, of that ilk, who was a personage who meant something. Someone who actually didn’t have a damn about what people thought of them. … She said to me, “I love it when you write about me, but never mention my jewelry. I’m a woman alone.”

—Compiled by Lizzy Ratner, Gillian Reagan, and David Foxley