Crowned: The Best Reality Show Ev-arr!

O.M.G.!—is all there is to say about the new CW show Crowned. For those unfortunate enough to miss the series premiere last night, we’ve included a clip that offers a tiny taste. The flavor? Reminiscent of frozen burgers kept in a Ziplock bag, like those prized by one of the show’s contestants, who keeps them on hand while the others munch on fancier fare, like burnt salmon chunks, prepared by the “Martha Stewart of the group.”

Judging 11 mother-daughter teams, who cattily compete to win a beauty pageant and some cash, are Queer Eye’s Carson Kressley, Meet the BarkersShanna Moakler and “television personality” Cynthia Garrett. Almost as precious as the antics of Patty and Laura—two villainous “Redhead Bombshells,” who wake up super early to practice their gross singing routine—are the you-must-be-kidding faces made by Mr. Kressley. Dressed like some kind of gay Hugh Hefner in velvet slippers, he gleefully sends up a stream of sassy jabs at the 22 down-home gals. “I need a Band-Aid for my eyes,” he tells the other judges after one team clops the stage in flapper dresses strewn with little mirrors. And though our eyeballs survived, our second-hand embarrassment proved pretty brutal.