Kathy Griffin, the redheaded comedian, is sad that the Golden Globes didn’t really happen. But luckily for Ms. Griffin, a person largely famous for her ability to mock other, more famous people, NBC asked her to basically pretend that they happened.

In this clip from last night’s Dateline, Ms. Griffin says that she still loves Awards Season, “because everyone’s freshly Botoxed and shiny and pulled and everyone has long, pretty dresses that they had to puke all week to get into.” It’s true: watching her sling schtick can cause a bad case of the somebody-please-hug-her tingles.

During the special, Ms. Griffin, the queen of self-deprecating laugh riots and hour-long stand-up specials, offers viewers some earnest red carpet advice. (Why she does this is not really explained.) “People think that the red carpet is at 8 [p.m.], but in Los Angeles it’s from three to five. So if you’re an A-lister, you do not want to get there sooner that 4:40…I of course get there at 2:40.” Uh-huh. She then goes on to say that the downside of getting to an event early is that one has to stop and talk to all kinds of reporters—even, she laments, Good Morning Chatsworth and Wake Up Israel.

“When you’re really, really famous, then you blow by everyone else about ten minutes before the show,” the star of My Life on the D-List continues, “When in fact, those same people have probably been circling the hotel for two hours just doing their powder and stuff.” Apparently, Ms. Griffin has also decided that actors who bring their mothers as dates to red carpet events are “either gay or in a very troubled relationship.”

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